just woke up from a dream where, in addition to living multiple days of my life (hauntingly incorrect details withheld), I watched a new Nintendo Direct with a group of people I know or knew at some manner of pool party.
There wasn’t that much fascinating, but the Splatoon 3 date announcement was something else. It was so off and weird that it broke me out of possibly three days of dream reality (in conjunction with snow plows rattling my apartment) a full half-hour before my first alarm.
It opened with a demonstration of the new amiibo, which was the size of a small dog on hind legs. You could squeeze the ink color out of their hair… but it malfunctioned and squeezed a tiny bit of the base color out too. Aonuma was presenting this whole section, smoking a cigarette and looking annoyed. He also went around with a media cart before the show in fake real life and took away everyone’s SNES and my advance copy of Portal 1+2 while I was playing it and it was still in my Switch.
Some of the details were obscured to me during the breakdown of new weapons / scenarios, so nothing super interesting there.
but then, we get to the meat of it, a trailer that supposedly has the release date at the end. Still partially obscured to me, but I could see enough to feel the walls start to unfurl.
The whole thing was set on either footage or very realistically rendered casino tables / equipment, with Inklings sliding down them and playfully shooting ink at each other.
and the song… the song was like if Frank Sinatra was somehow whiter and more boring (sorry fans white boys killed jazz a thousand times over). A simple medium-paced 3/4 or 6/8 waltzy bullshit, being sung by the terrifying man from the Ring Fit announcement like he was in a Rick Astley music video. Key melody was just just plonking along with nigh imperceptible swing to the eighths (70% sure now it was 6/8) — C# C# C# C# D# C# | C C C C C# C | A# A# A# C A# | G#… G# A# C | — and the lyrics were some basic ass statements about things this weird fuck was gonna do, presumably in the game but who knows! Including the key phrase “fight me for garbage” many many times, including in swells and breakouts. Like frequently one word per note. set to the melody above it was something like — I’ll grab a gun and you’ll | fight me for garbage it’s | fun invite all of your | friends… (and then we’ll) || all grab our guns and be | fighting for garbage my | friend now the fun never | ends… — like I swear to god it felt like reality was unraveling. and I just started losing it in front of all these people I haven’t seen in years and was trying to hold out to at least see the release date but… then I was awake.
and this stupid awful song is stuck in my head!
so now… it has to haunt you too
