Phos and I have had plenty of time to reflect on the series so far. Seeing as we're still a year out from Transformers One, we might as well post an overall ranking of the Transformers Cinematic Canon, from Best to Worst to Truly Unconscionable! I've passed my laptop to
@Phosphorescent Skeleton for her comments on each category.
Paradiso: The absolute peak of Transformers movies. Everything that rules about Transformers, perfectly distilled into the art of the cinematic format.
The Transformers: The Movie (1986): 60
Clov's Comment: The only movie in this category is one that has absolutely everything. From an montage set to corny rock where a ton of fan favorite Autobots (and Prowl) get slaughtered, to Orson Welles sleepwalking through his final performance, to the introduction of Arcee, the greatest of all Transformers, it's a movie I only appreciate more after having seen some of the horrific lows this franchise would reach.
Phos' Philosophy: Are you kidding me!? The Transformers The Movie is better then your favorite movie and it's not even my favorite! But don't worry, stranger, I just have immaculate perfect taste, this is still a movie that kicks ass. It makes the next best movie on this list look like fucking some Christopher Nolan nonsense (gottem). Clov said it all in her write up. Cool toys, cool music, anime, Orson Welles treating the material with the proper respect (something below contempt, above damnation).
Mount Olympus (on the Border of Paradise): These films (?) are a wonderful time! Though they fall short of perfection, they're still worthwhile Transformers media to seek out and watch.
Transformers vs GI Joe: The Movie Adaptation (2017): 50
Bumblebee (2018): 50
Clov's Comment: Though it's a shame that we've lost the true, original cinematic form of Transformers vs GI Joe, this movie adaptation is wonderfully entertaining, with beautiful art and jaw dropping twists. Bumblebee on the other hand, while flawed, stands head and shoulders above the rest of the live action Transformers films. A fun story, (mostly) great robot designs, and a girlboss the IDW comics incarnation of Elita-1 would be proud of, Bumblebee is well worth your time.
Phos' Philosophy: Tom Scioli TvsGIJTMA "gets" Transformers. He also knows how to draw purty pictures and arrange words to a pleasing effect. You do the math. The only thing keeping it from winning a Phoscar (like an Oscar, but for good movies) is the fact that it isn't a movie...but it's a better movie than some I could name (the filmography of Ron Howard). Bumblebee is some warmed over self reflective Spielberg stuff, but it's better than anything old Steve has done since, I don't know, Indiana Jones (gottem). Bumblebee is there. wow.
Purgatorio: The merely adequate Transformers films. These are often good, but held back by glaring flaws. Watch these if you're a diehard fan who can look past the imperfections.
Jem and the Holograms S2E23 (1988): 43
Transformers Prime: Beast Hunters: Predacons Rising (2013): 34
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts (2023): 29
Clash! Beast Warrior (1998): 29
Clov's Comment: There's a lot of stuff in here, but not that much to say! Jem is a truly magical experience, as Phos is well aware of, though that could go for any given episode of the show. I would have appreciated Transformers Prime more if I watched the show, which I'm not planning on doing. Rise of the Beasts, while having an excellent Arcee Factor score (one of the best out of everything we reviewed) was lacking elsewhere. Arcee had some GREAT moments, and so did Nightbird! But Airrazor, much like in the source material, really got screwed over.
Phos' Philosophy: This is the who cares part of the list. Neither good enough or bad enough to waste my gigantic cinema brain thinking about. This isn't a place of honor, but not some nuclear dumping ground. Jem is funni. My philosophy here is to be not afraid! Just don't watch. I'm trying to be clever and funny here, but I can't get any juices from these oranges.
Mid-gar (home of ye lowly mortals): The TRUE mediocrities. Neither good nor bad, but lukewarm, much like mediocre people are. Not that all people are mediocre! There's some great ones, like Phos and I.
GoBots: Battle of the Rock Lords (1986): 28
Beast Wars Metals Special (1998): 26
Beast Wars Metals: Convoy's Great Transformation (1999): 23
Beast Wars II: Lio Convoy's Close Call! (1998): 15
Clov's Comment: The best of these by far is the GoBots film, because Crasher is one of the best Transformers (and the best GoBot by far) and Cy-Kill has a funny voice. The worst of these is Beast Wars II because it's terribly dull, but nowhere near as dire as the depths we would soon plunge into.
Phos' Philosophy: All of the movies in the last category probably belong here. Also, while the numbers are crunched, and da numbers don't lie, baby, the GoBots film is probably my third favorite thing on this list. I could watch it again. Reminds me of the taste of Zima. Better than you could say of any film directed by Michael Mann (gottem).
The Inferno: The terrible, the horrific, the insufferable. Avoid these films at all cost. There is nothing good here, not even for ironic attempts at viewing. You will regret this.
Transformers (2007): 0
Transformers: The Last Knight (2017): -15
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011): -45
Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014): -50
Clov's Comment: These have been some of the most painful movie-watching experiences of my life. While these are clearly the work of an auteur, that doesn't make them good. All of Bay's hatred of women and minorities is on display, as is his disgusting reverence of the American military. Boring at best, terribly uncomfortable at worst. I hated every last minute of these overly-long patriot parades.
Phos' Philosophy: The I Wish I and The Rest of The Earth Was Burnt To A Coldly Smoking Cinder portion of our list. You can argue that American cinema began in earnest with Birth of a Nation (you'd be wrong, but I hope you enjoyed that Film 101 class) and it could equally be argued that it ended with Bay's Transformers movies. Born in explicit racism, dead in racism, misogyny, homophobia, and 9/11 patriotism carried in the barely imaginable computer generated steel ribcages of diseased Reagan era avatars of consumerism. This is the beast that killed cinema, who's dying was the sacrifice to bring forth the New God's of Marvels hideous machine. The money men rejoice as art is strangled by psychotic patriot super people who can't even take themselves seriously. Fuck these movies.
The Ninth Circle: The irredeemable. The worst. This is a nuclear level category of bad. It will destroy your spirit and shatter your psyche.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009): -50 (but really it should be much, much lower)
Clov's Comment:
"Down, down, down you go
No way to stop
As you fall, hear me call
No, no, no
Listen to this warning and
Consider these
Simple words of advice
Stop, stop, stop"
- 'Spiralling Shape' by They Might Be Giants
One of the worst movies I have seen in my entire life; it has everything bad about the movies in the previous categories, but taken to its most extreme. Cinema didn't deserve this movie. YOU don't deserve this movie. Your worst enemies probably do deserve this movie. Save yourself and don't watch it. You don't understand. This is not a joke, I'm begging you, stay far away from this film.
Phos' Philosophy: Enjoying this movie is the only proveable test of ethics and morality. Anyone who enjoys this movie should be banished from society and made to wander the barren wastes with the ghosts howling in the night, across plains and roads where Revenge of the Fallen fans enact bloody reenactments and battle wars over "guzzoline" in a white line nightmare.
The lake of hell is frozen
At the bottom of that vaunted
Pit of flames
Sits frozen Lucifer, cooled
By the flapping of gigantic wings
Crying Crystal Tears of Ice
The layer of the betrayers
At his side freezes Michael Bay
I, a mere spiritual tyro,
A modern Parody of Dante
Ask
"What Is Your Betrayal?"
He answers in slow
Cold wrecked breaths
"I have betrayed the cinema"
And that's all we have for now! It'll sure be interesting to see where Transformers One lands on this ranking next year. Until then, feel free to discuss all things Transformers in this thread. Meanwhile, we've decided on a theme for our next review thread, so keep your eyes peeled if you're interested. See you next time!
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