Film Transformers: A Complete Cinematic Appraisal |ST| Beyond Good, Beyond Evil, Beyond Your Wildest Imagination

[PixelKnight]

Holy shit there’s six live action TF films? In my head I thought there was maybe 3 or 4 at this point.

 

[robertman2]

Holy shit there’s six live action TF films? In my head I thought there was maybe 3 or 4 at this point.

Another one coming next month, with no Bay

 

[Clov]

Me dropping 80s tf war stories in here like Kup but probably without the enthusiastic reception

I used to not care for Kup, but watching that now is like seeing a dear old friend. I miss Kup, and I miss his stories.

The only thing to say in defence of RotF is that somehow Dark Of The Moon is worse. Which I'll get into in a separate post.

God have mercy on your souls for committing yourselves to watching this trash, because these films are so unclean they will leave an actual stain on your psyche. I am actively a worse human being for having seen Revenge of the Fallen. All joy in my life is tainted with the knowledge that I have watched a destructobot's wrecking ball testicles swinging over the great pyramids, like the doom of humanity swinging ominously over civilization itself.

I remember how awful the second film was. I've never seen the third one, but hearing that it's somehow even worse fills me with a sort of primordial dread. How low are the depths I'm heading into here...?

it's kinda insane that film twitter has been gassing these up lately!

It... really is. I can't pretend there's any good artistry on display. Having rewatched the first film, I can only say that it's ugly in several ways.

Another one coming next month, with no Bay

And it actually looks... pretty fun? It's got both Arcee AND Airrazor, which is incredibly promising! I just wonder if it can stick the landing?

 

[robertman2]

I used to not care for Kup, but watching that now is like seeing a dear old friend. I miss Kup, and I miss his stories.



I remember how awful the second film was. I've never seen the third one, but hearing that it's somehow even worse fills me with a sort of primordial dread. How low are the depths I'm heading into here...?



It... really is. I can't pretend there's any good artistry on display. Having rewatched the first film, I can only say that it's ugly in several ways.



And it actually looks... pretty fun? It's got both Arcee AND Airrazor, which is incredibly promising! I just wonder if it can stick the landing?

I know vieweranon said it's supposed to be decent

 

[Clov]

I know vieweranon said it's supposed to be decent

Well, decent is a lot better than what we watched last night. I'll take it!

As a palette cleanser after last night, I'm going to consume some good Transformers media today. I'll be reading the Windblade comic!

For anyone who doesn't know her, Windblade was created as part of an initiative to make a "fan created" Transformer! She's gotten plenty of more appearances since her debut, in other comics, TV shows, and a lot of toys. This comic was actually the first Transformers comic created by an all-woman team! I'm really looking forward to diving into this one, especially with how good this phase of IDW's comics has been so far!

 

[Weiss]

It's been 14 years since I thought of Bayformers so all I remember are:

- the cranky old man robot

- the two robot brothers who were absurdly racist

 

[JazzPotatoes]

I remember how awful the second film was. I've never seen the third one, but hearing that it's somehow even worse fills me with a sort of primordial dread. How low are the depths I'm heading into here...?

So, in-between films, Megan Fox got canned off because she compared Michael Bay to Hitler, and Rosie Huntingdon-Whitely was cast as a new character to replace her.

Michael Bay's way of introducing this character is not to have her appear on screen doing anything relevant to her character's interests or motivations. He introduces her via an extended tracking shot of her bum as she walks around a flat wearing not very much at all.

That's the level of crass sexualization we're dealing with here. It's perhaps not as actively hateful as RotF, but instead it just carries on with all this nauseating ferishization and intolerance as if it's the most normal thing in the world.

Ken Jeong plays a character called sigh Jerry Wang. And because this is Michael Bay, he can't just be a normal, positive example of Asian representation. No, he's an obnoxious caricature who utters phrases like "I'm Deep Wang!"

If all this sounds awful, you can at least sit back and take in the sights of Optimus Prime continuing to be a total psycho. Not content with ripping faces off this time round, he must straight up executes bad guys this time round like he's Dirty fucking Harry.

I've not seen the films after this, as frankly, I don't think my liver could handle that much bile. From what I understand though, film four is where the series starts joking around with statutory rape and Romeo and Juliet laws.

So, you know... Have fun with that.

 

[Clov]

So, in-between films, Megan Fox got canned off because she compared Michael Bay to Hitler, and Rosie Huntingdon-Whitely was cast as a new character to replace her.

Michael Bay's way of introducing this character is not to have her appear on screen doing anything relevant to her character's interests or motivations. He introduces her via an extended tracking shot of her bum as she walks around a flat wearing not very much at all.

That's the level of crass sexualization we're dealing with here. It's perhaps not as actively hateful as RotF, but instead it just carries on with all this nauseating ferishization and intolerance as if it's the most normal thing in the world.

Ken Jeong plays a character called sigh Jerry Wang. And because this is Michael Bay, he can't just be a normal, positive example of Asian representation. No, he's an obnoxious caricature who utters phrases like "I'm Deep Wang!"

If all this sounds awful, you can at least sit back and take in the sights of Optimus Prime continuing to be a total psycho. Not content with ripping faces off this time round, he must straight up executes bad guys this time round like he's Dirty fucking Harry.

I've not seen the films after this, as frankly, I don't think my liver could handle that much bile. From what I understand though, film four is where the series starts joking around with statutory rape and Romeo and Juliet laws.

So, you know... Have fun with that.

Phos and I are stepping into hell...

There's such a long way until Bumblebee...

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

So, in-between films, Megan Fox got canned off because she compared Michael Bay to Hitler, and Rosie Huntingdon-Whitely was cast as a new character to replace her.

Michael Bay's way of introducing this character is not to have her appear on screen doing anything relevant to her character's interests or motivations. He introduces her via an extended tracking shot of her bum as she walks around a flat wearing not very much at all.

That's the level of crass sexualization we're dealing with here. It's perhaps not as actively hateful as RotF, but instead it just carries on with all this nauseating ferishization and intolerance as if it's the most normal thing in the world.

Ken Jeong plays a character called sigh Jerry Wang. And because this is Michael Bay, he can't just be a normal, positive example of Asian representation. No, he's an obnoxious caricature who utters phrases like "I'm Deep Wang!"

If all this sounds awful, you can at least sit back and take in the sights of Optimus Prime continuing to be a total psycho. Not content with ripping faces off this time round, he must straight up executes bad guys this time round like he's Dirty fucking Harry.

I've not seen the films after this, as frankly, I don't think my liver could handle that much bile. From what I understand though, film four is where the series starts joking around with statutory rape and Romeo and Juliet laws.

So, you know... Have fun with that.

What's done is done it feels so bad
what once was happy now is sad
I'll never love again
my world is ending

 

[robertman2]

I will give Dark of the Moon this

Making Megatron a Mad Max looking truck is a very good idea

 

[Psycho_Mantis]

Transformers (2007)



Dear god. I am filled with such regret. This was so much worse than I remembered. A hideous and miserable film, devoid of color and joy. A death march.

The Arcee Factor: 0/10. There is not a single girl robot in the film, and if there were I'm sure Micheal Bay would have had her tortured and killed, given how misogynistic the film is in general.

Wow Cool Robot: 0/10. The robots here are hideous, misshapen coagulated junk. They don't look cool, they don't make for cool toys, and the action scenes involving them are impossible to follow, as hulking metallic beasts slam against each other and congeal into CGI blurs.

The Mystery of Convoy: 0/10. Sam Witwicky has to protect a cube or something, with the help of the US Military. I don't know. The damn thing is 2 hours and 20 minutes long, and much of its runtime is devoted to military jack-off sequences. I can't help but mention how much this movie hates non-white people here. One of the earliest "jokes" in the film is that a man speaks Spanish. Jazz, an Autobot who speaks in stereotypical Black vernacular, is the only Autobot to die. This movie is ugly and evil.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 0/10. The Transformers look nothing like their original toys or cartoon designs. Megatron and Starscream are completely unrecognizable. What's worse is that Starscream doesn't have anything resembling his original personality. In fact, Optimus is the only robot to really have much in common with his original incarnation. This movie actively has contempt for anyone who derived even a semblance of joy from the original cartoon or the original toys, and it can't even manage to create successful new incarnations.

Are Their Songs Better?: 0/10. Compared to the excellent needledrops in the 86 film, there's simply nothing to be found here. Maybe Linkin Park fans will enjoy the credits. I wouldn't know, because I'm not one of them.

Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. Not only was I taken for a ride, but I was dragged out of the car, beaten up, called slurs, and run over afterwards.

Overall Score: 0

Verdict: This is not a place of honor.

Suggestion: Drop and run.

I watched the next one ages ago and I know for a FACT it's worse. How is that possible!? Why did I let @Phosphorescent Skeleton talk me into this!? We have such a long, painful road ahead...

Glad you enjoyed it!

 

[Clov]

Glad you enjoyed it!

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

THE TRANSFORMERS THE REVENGE OF THE FALLEN



Boring, evil, and ugly. If anyone tells you Bay is an artist or that there is anything redeeming or artistic about this movie, they are Lucifer and make no mistake.

The Arcee Factor:
Arcee is killed in this movie because Bay hates women. Women can't be THE TROOPS and anyone who isn't a THE TROOPS is at best a 2nd class citizen. Women exist for sexual gratification, but watch out, they might use sex as a trap to corrupt you. An abhorrent movie.
-10/10

Wow Cool Robot:
The robots in this movie suck. They are even more visually incomprehensible than the last one, plus Tom "spongebob" Kenny to does a minstrel style performance as 2 robot brothers (one has a gold tooth). This movie is racist on a level few mainstream movies post the 1930s are.
-20/10


The Mystery of Convoy:
The mystery of what the fuck this movie is about. Not at all surprising that the script was unfinished. Michael Bay gets rock hard at the idea of our THE TROOPS killing foreigners.
0/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Frenzy called me a slur and Rumble has giant testicle and wants to have sex with megan fox and Jetfire blows a huge fart.
-10/10



Are Their Songs Better?:
Multiple green day songs. I wish weed was legal in japan, because booze helps, but weed would probably help more. Fuck thisssssss.
-10/10


Ride or be Ridden:
Ride? This is bad comedy!
-10/10

Overall: -60/60

Verdict: death by hanging!

Suggestion: read Tailgate x Cyclonus fanfic instead

 

[Clov]

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)



The human race is capable of such profound acts of evil.

So, what happens when you have a movie with no writers? Well, I found out tonight!

The Arcee Factor: -10/10. Arcee is actually in this movie, but she's three robots for some reason? And she gets one line before being killed off? Terrible. It's clear that Micheal Bay is a hateful man who can't stand to see yeag girls thriving. His treatment of Arcee in this film has convinced me he's the kind of guy who'd call me a slur if I walked past him in the street. There's also a Decepticon Pretender in this movie whose only personality trait is "wants to fuck Spike Witwicky". To say that this movie is contemptuous of women is to undersell how bad it all is.

Wow Cool Robot: -20/10. As awful as the toy robots were in the 2007 film, this one makes them significantly worse. Soundwave is now some floating silver space-thing, Ravage is a hideous cyclops, Devastator has visible robot testicles, oh, and did I mention the racist twins? It's shocking to see something this overtly hateful in a mainstream film.

The Mystery of Convoy: 0/10. The story is about a piece of a cube or something. Megatron comes back and tries to get the juicy cube knowledge from Sam Witwicky's head, which will help his master (?) the Fallen (?). I dunno. Mostly, just as in the last one, it's an excuse to feature a multitude of boring military montages. They go on for so goddam long! Hilariously they make sure to mention that Obama is hiding in a bunker while all this is happening, and that he wants to negotiate with the Decepticons.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: -10/10. As if the first movie wasn't insulting enough, Jetfire is now a dumb old man, there's some robot that humps Megan Fox's leg? The Matrix of Leadership is now a dagger? But the worst of all is what's become of the Autobots. They're no longer heroes protecting the planet, they're now tools of the US government and extensions of the US military industrial complex. Why the hell is Optimus taking orders from military goons? This sucks!

Are Their Songs Better?: 0/10. There's really nothing to say here. I think there was some Green Day? I guess that's not that much worse than Linkin Park.

Ride or be Ridden: -10/10. Chained inside of Bumblebee and taken on a 2 and a half hour tour of Micheal Bay's racism and misogyny factory.

Overall Score: -50

Verdict: I wish movies didn't exist.

Suggestion: Invent a time machine, kill Muybridge before he can photograph that damn horse. The medium wasn't worth it. We fucked up.

There's no POSSIBLE way the next one could be worse. It CAN'T be. Things HAVE to be looking up. Right? Please tell me I'm right.

 

[PixelKnight]

I think it’s probably a bad thing that ‘robot testicles’ is the only thing that reminded me that this was a film I experienced (and thankfully the last of the live action TF ones I watched). What a gross piece of media.

 

[Clov]

I think it’s probably a bad thing that ‘robot testicles’ is the only thing that reminded me that this was a film I experienced (and thankfully the last of the live action TF ones I watched). What a gross piece of media.

It really IS gross. I feel gross after watching it. It's a deeply hateful film.

 

[PixelKnight]

It really IS gross. I feel gross after watching it. It's a deeply hateful film.

“The norm is to be a white, American straight guy. Everything else is to be mocked, feared, despised and/or shot at.”

 

[Dinoman96]

The Arcee Factor: -10/10. Arcee is actually in this movie, but she's three robots for some reason? And she gets one line before being killed off? Terrible. It's clear that Micheal Bay is a hateful man who can't stand to see yeag girls thriving. His treatment of Arcee in this film has convinced me he's the kind of guy who'd call me a slur if I walked past him in the street. There's also a Decepticon Pretender in this movie whose only personality trait is "wants to fuck Spike Witwicky". To say that this movie is contemptuous of women is to undersell how bad it all is.

To further iterate on this, look what good ol' MBay had to say on this subject matter back in the day:

Michael Bay Reveals 'Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen' Death

Michael Bay revealed the death of a "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" character. "I didn't like Arcee, so I kill her," the director said of the short-lived pink Autobot.

www.mtv.com

"You know what? I didn't like Arcee," the filmmaker revealed exclusively to us Thursday night, "so I kill her later, all right?"
We caught up with the outspoken filmmaker at ShoWest, where he received a Director of the Year award. The special-effects-driven Bay told us that technological advances since 2007's "Transformers" are allowing him to grab more articulate, complex performances from his metallic leading actors -- but still, at least one of his fictional stars turned out to be a bit disappointing.
"You know what? It's like actors," he explained, comparing his Transformers to flesh-and-blood stars Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox. "There are certain actors that blossom on screen, and there are certain others where you're like, 'Yuck, I'm cutting them out of the movie.' "
So Bay decided to kill Arcee -- a pink motorcycle who can be glimpsed in the movie's trailer during a chase scene in Japan. As some fans might remember, the death of Jazz in Bay's first "Transformers" film not only served as a reminder of the severity of the robot war, but also became one of the film's most touching moments. In the sequel, however, Bay was so eager to kill off Arcee that he had no desire to milk the moment for emotional impact.
"This isn't sad," he grinned, discussing Arcee's sudden death. "This is just 'get it out and get it over with.' "

Imagine taking literally the only female Autobot this series has had and just killing her off unceremoniously just because "you didn't like her".

God, what a fucking asshole.

 

[Sadist]

To bring a bit more positivity until we see more despressing Bayformers posts, I want to add something in the “Wow, cool robot!” category.

For people who don’t know, Hasbro still has a very active Transformers toyline. For the past few years they have been concentrating on the Legacy (Evolution) toyline which pulls from every series in existence; new toys based on characters from G1, G2, Beast Wars, Beast Wars Neo, Armada, Animated and even Prime! Its a really diverse line up of characters.

The other big series which keeps getting new additions is the Studio Series. First used to mostly add movie bots (and to be fair, these aren’t ugly) as this line gives people the chance to get rather faithful on-screen inspired characters against reasonable prices. Fans of G1 got a very nice surprise when Hasbro introduced the Studio Series 86 subline, which gave us rather faithful versions of the 86 movie characters, including the Dinobots! Those are pretty pricey, but still, the toys themselves is what made me love TF as a kid.

Okay this is cheating, but it’s not part of the Studio Series, but I just love him because the colour scheme is wild.

Its Megatron, right during the moment he gets reformatted into Galvatron. Accepting the terms Unicron gave him. This is a cool robot!

These are the ones I’m talking about. Rumble is blue! Equipped with his gear which he uses to first crack the shell, then the nuts inside!

And Starscream… treacherous, cowering Starscream. Finally crowning himself Decepticon leader. Its a glorious twenty seconds indeed. But look at that cape!

Autobot time! Wait Ratchet got a movie toy? Ha, yes. He gets like shot in a matter of seconds, but his dualwielding days are here in toy form. Jazz survives the events of the movie, and never stopped looking cool. And yes, Perceptor got a new toy too! Everybody’s favorite nerd gets the job done.

“I always knew you had potential kid! Now have some energon candy from this weary old man”.

Yes, that’s the matrix held by Hot Rod. It’s one of the best figures in the Studios 86 series, his vehicle mode being an exact copy of the movie’s version.

Btw, the Studio Series Bumblebee movie has some cool figures as well. Cybertronian Wheeljack is pretty cool.

So yeah, wow, cool robots!

 

[robertman2]

To bring a bit more positivity until we see more despressing Bayformers posts, I want to add something in the “Wow, cool robot!” category.

For people who don’t know, Hasbro still has a very active Transformers toyline. For the past few years they have been concentrating on the Legacy (Evolution) toyline which pulls from every series in existence; new toys based on characters from G1, G2, Beast Wars, Beast Wars Neo, Armada, Animated and even Prime! Its a really diverse line up of characters.

The other big series which keeps getting new additions is the Studio Series. First used to mostly add movie bots (and to be fair, these aren’t ugly) as this line gives people the chance to get rather faithful on-screen inspired characters against reasonable prices. Fans of G1 got a very nice surprise when Hasbro introduced the Studio Series 86 subline, which gave us rather faithful versions of the 86 movie characters, including the Dinobots! Those are pretty pricey, but still, the toys themselves is what made me love TF as a kid.

Okay this is cheating, but it’s not part of the Studio Series, but I just love him because the colour scheme is wild.

Its Megatron, right during the moment he gets reformatted into Galvatron. Accepting the terms Unicron gave him. This is a cool robot!

These are the ones I’m talking about. Rumble is blue! Equipped with his gear which he uses to first crack the shell, then the nuts inside!

And Starscream… treacherous, cowering Starscream. Finally crowning himself Decepticon leader. Its a glorious twenty seconds indeed. But look at that cape!

Autobot time! Wait Ratchet got a movie toy? Ha, yes. He gets like shot in a matter of seconds, but his dualwielding days are here in toy form. Jazz survives the events of the movie, and never stopped looking cool. And yes, Perceptor got a new toy too! Everybody’s favorite nerd gets the job done.

“I always knew you had potential kid! Now have some energon candy from this weary old man”.

Yes, that’s the matrix held by Hot Rod. It’s one of the best figures in the Studios 86 series, his vehicle mode being an exact copy of the movie’s version.

Btw, the Studio Series Bumblebee movie has some cool figures as well. Cybertronian Wheeljack is pretty cool.

So yeah, wow, cool robots!

I've got ss86 Grimlock and he's so good. Been waiting for a leader class grimlock for ages

 

[Sadist]

Yeah, the Dinobots ‘86 look amazing as well. Grimlock is such a good looking figure. Shame they got sold out so quickly.

 

[PixelKnight]

To bring a bit more positivity until we see more despressing Bayformers posts, I want to add something in the “Wow, cool robot!” category.

For people who don’t know, Hasbro still has a very active Transformers toyline. For the past few years they have been concentrating on the Legacy (Evolution) toyline which pulls from every series in existence; new toys based on characters from G1, G2, Beast Wars, Beast Wars Neo, Armada, Animated and even Prime! Its a really diverse line up of characters.

The other big series which keeps getting new additions is the Studio Series. First used to mostly add movie bots (and to be fair, these aren’t ugly) as this line gives people the chance to get rather faithful on-screen inspired characters against reasonable prices. Fans of G1 got a very nice surprise when Hasbro introduced the Studio Series 86 subline, which gave us rather faithful versions of the 86 movie characters, including the Dinobots! Those are pretty pricey, but still, the toys themselves is what made me love TF as a kid.

Okay this is cheating, but it’s not part of the Studio Series, but I just love him because the colour scheme is wild.

Its Megatron, right during the moment he gets reformatted into Galvatron. Accepting the terms Unicron gave him. This is a cool robot!

These are the ones I’m talking about. Rumble is blue! Equipped with his gear which he uses to first crack the shell, then the nuts inside!

And Starscream… treacherous, cowering Starscream. Finally crowning himself Decepticon leader. Its a glorious twenty seconds indeed. But look at that cape!

Autobot time! Wait Ratchet got a movie toy? Ha, yes. He gets like shot in a matter of seconds, but his dualwielding days are here in toy form. Jazz survives the events of the movie, and never stopped looking cool. And yes, Perceptor got a new toy too! Everybody’s favorite nerd gets the job done.

“I always knew you had potential kid! Now have some energon candy from this weary old man”.

Yes, that’s the matrix held by Hot Rod. It’s one of the best figures in the Studios 86 series, his vehicle mode being an exact copy of the movie’s version.

Btw, the Studio Series Bumblebee movie has some cool figures as well. Cybertronian Wheeljack is pretty cool.

So yeah, wow, cool robots!

Thanks for the pics! I miss my old G1 toys I had as a child, these ones that focus on their cartoon look are amazing.

Takes me back to a fond memory one Christmas where I’d been collecting the small aerialbots all year, I could just about afford them with my pocket money. Then I asked for Silverbolt (the squad leader, the Concorde, is that right?) for Christmas as he was a bigger toy. Naturally the first thing I did after tearing open the packaging was link him up with the small toys to make Superion. My dad asked where the new toy had come from and I said ‘I’ve been building it all year, the big one was the final piece’. Good times

 

[Sadist]

Oh you had the original Superion complete? Awesome.

Then as a bonus pic, because essentially these are the G1 characters as well, and the team to oppose the Aerial Bots; (from the current Legacy toyline)

“Behold, the Stunticons!”

Motormaster to strike a pose, but with Wildrider’s chaotic personality stealing the thunder, Dragstrip egging him on, Deadend thinking “what’s the point of existence” and Breakdown feeling slightly paranoid, the group seems unbalanced.

“Ah, but my cars carry a secret Prime. Stunticons, merge into Menasor!”

 

[PixelKnight]

Oh you had the original Superion complete? Awesome.

Then as a bonus pic, because essentially these are the G1 characters as well, and the team to oppose the Aerial Bots; (from the current Legacy toyline)

“Behold, the Stunticons!”

Motormaster to strike a pose, but with Wildrider’s chaotic personality stealing the thunder, Dragstrip egging him on, Deadend thinking “what’s the point of existence” and Breakdown feeling slightly paranoid, the group seems unbalanced.

“Ah, but my cars carry a secret Prime. Stunticons, merge into Menasor!”

Nostalgia overload

 

[Clov]

Oh you had the original Superion complete? Awesome.

Then as a bonus pic, because essentially these are the G1 characters as well, and the team to oppose the Aerial Bots; (from the current Legacy toyline)

“Behold, the Stunticons!”

Motormaster to strike a pose, but with Wildrider’s chaotic personality stealing the thunder, Dragstrip egging him on, Deadend thinking “what’s the point of existence” and Breakdown feeling slightly paranoid, the group seems unbalanced.

“Ah, but my cars carry a secret Prime. Stunticons, merge into Menasor!”

Great pictures! I'm a huge fan of the recent Legacy line, it's what got Phos and I into collecting our favorites. Here's a few pictures from our own collection!

Here's Arcee killing Galvatron, for no particular reason. Did you know that in the IDW comics, Galvatron is actually a separate character from Megatron? He's Arcee's brother too!

This is our in-progress Lost Light display! We're planning on getting a few more members, and then some little furniture to make Swerve's bar.

Last one for now! Here's Tarn, a comics original character, being gaslit gatekept girlbossed.

 

[Sadist]

Great pictures! I'm a huge fan of the recent Legacy line, it's what got Phos and I into collecting our favorites. Here's a few pictures from our own collection!

Here's Arcee killing Galvatron, for no particular reason. Did you know that in the IDW comics, Galvatron is actually a separate character from Megatron? He's Arcee's brother too!

This is our in-progress Lost Light display! We're planning on getting a few more members, and then some little furniture to make Swerve's bar.

Last one for now! Here's Tarn, a comics original character, being gaslit gatekept girlbossed.

Ha, cool!

Before reading your text but saw the pics I saw that the theme is Swerve’s bar. MTMTE/Lost Light is a wonderful comic and yeah, I know the story beats of that one. Plus yeah, I love the earnest feels in regards to the relationships.

Lost Light is the reason why I got Tarn as well, the bot turned into one of my favourite Decepticons.

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The Transformers: The Dark of the Moon



While having a marginally more coherent script this movie triples down on the racism and misogyny.
I enjoy plenty of "problematic" movies, but if you enjoy these movies you're a bad person.
Michael Bay turning a big dial that says 9/11 imagery as everyone cheers

The Arcee Factor:
No girl robots and this movie is even more hateful towards women, it includes more homophobia and a borderline tranphobic joke.
-10/10

Wow Cool Robot:
Robots look as bad as ever. Nothing new to say here tbh.
0/10


The Mystery of Convoy:
This movie hates asians so much. Almost as much as it hates women. Women are sexual objects to be fought over at best, and shrews who want to stop our troops from doing what needs to be done at worst. There's a general distrust of all foreigners here. The mystery of why the decepticons talk in a threatening foreign language and the autobots speak english.
-20/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Shockwave is a damn Shai halud (old man of the desert for my dune heads)!?!? The wreckers are stooges of the us government!?!? Transform and fuck off!!!
-10/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
Who fucking cares?
0/10

Ride or be Ridden:
Michael Bay broke my knees and tied me around Optipiss Slime's wheel ooooffff
-10/10

Overall: -50/60

Verdict: not enough booze in the world

Suggestion: watch Xtro (1983)

 

[Clov]

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)



I'm typing this intro before watching, drinking, or rating this film in anyway. I just wanted to say that I finished reading the Elegant Chaos storyline in the comic, More Than Meets the Eye. The series continues to cement itself for me as one of the best pieces of Transformers media ever made, and even putting the Transformers brand and setting aside, a fantastic comic by itself.

And now I'm going to watch this.

Pray for Phos and I.

The Arcee Factor: 0/10. There's no girl robots in this film. In a way, this is an improvement from the last film. In a way. There's no ROBOT women for the film to disrespect, at least. There's plenty that's just as bad or worse.

Wow Cool Robot: -10/10. There's no robots as overtly racist as the twins from the last film, but nothing has really improved. There's a scene that stuck out to me, where the Autobots are in a stand-off with two unnamed Decepticons. The Autobots speak English, the Decepticons speak some unsubtitled foreign language, and one of them has robot dreads. Not very subtle. While watching this film, I had a revelation. An obvious one, but one nonetheless. It's not so much that these movies hate the source material, it simply doesn't care about it at all.

The Mystery of Convoy: -20/10. I guess the story itself is, in some ways, more coherent in the last one, but it's not good. The Autobots retrieve and revive Sentinel Prime from the moon, but he's actually working with the Decepticons, and wants to bring Cybertron into Earth for some reason? He's played by Leonard Nimoy, who did a much better job in the 1986 film, if I might add. Anyway, there's a ton of bizarre racism here, like an Asian character introduced and shortly killed off purely for jokes about his race... and some WEIRD homophobia. There's some lady sent by Obama's government that's there to get in the way of THE TROOPS, used for some weird gender based "jokes". While I gave this movie a higher score in The Arcee Factor because of how it has no robot women to demean, make no mistake, it hates women MORE than the last one. The women here who aren't obstacles in the way of the men are helpless damsels. Oh, and the Autobots are still tools of the US military. We even get a brief scene of them killing people in Iran at the beginning! But what gets me, what literally left me saying "oh my god", was a twist near the end (?). So the Autobots are exiled off Earth and supposedly destroyed. The Decepticons trash Chicago or something, killing thousands, millions, whatever. The Autobots turn out to be alive, and Optimus reveals... he LET it happen. Why? To prove that the Decepticons were evil... in the name of freedom. Megatron betrays Sentinel Prime after a girl calls him a bitch, and then Optimus repays him by ripping his head off after he offers a truce. There's no way around it. This is a fascist movie.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: -10/10. Optimus is a psychopathtic murderer. Shockwave is some kind of worm master now. Soundwave is just a car. You might say that this makes him more accurate to his G2 incarnation, and if you did say that, I would tell you to shut the fuck up.

Are Their Songs Better?: 0/10. If you told me there was no music in this movie, I would believe you.

Ride or be Ridden: -5/10. Swept up by one of Shockwave's robot sandworms and dragged through Chicago (?).

Overall Score: -45

Verdict: People who claim that Micheal Bay makes good art are simply wrong. It takes more than tapping into the hateful American psyche to make something meaningful and beautiful.

Suggestion: Read the More Than Meets the Eye comic, appreciate the lovely gay relationship that Chromedome and Rewind have. Embrace the beauty and diversity of life.

 

[Dinoman96]

Megatron betrays Sentinel Prime after a girl calls him a bitch, and then Optimus repays him by ripping his head off after he offers a truce. There's no way around it. This is a fascist movie.

The funny and sad thing there is that the movie was originally meant to actually have a more pacifistic ending.

After teaming up to take down Sentinel, Optimus and Megatron (who has especially grown tired of all the fighting), would actually have a peace treaty and truce for real, with Megs and the Decepticons going back to Cybertron and Prime and the Autobots staying on Earth, both trying to build up a new Transformers civilization together on the two planets, finally breaking the endless cycle of violence between the two factions. This original ending is actually still there in the DOTM novelization.

iirc it was changed at the last minute because I think the novel ended up coming out before the movie did and thus the studio wanted a different ending to surprise people or something.

 

[robertman2]

Relevant to thread

 

[PixelKnight]

Relevant to thread

I guess at least Optimus looks more like Optimus now? Is this one a follow-up to Bumblebee, what’s the explanation for the robots now looking, well, less crap?

‘Stranger danger’ is some terrible dialogue for a warrior robot about to get eaten by a robot cat though. Are the autobots now just incompetent rather than uncaring alien assholes?

 

[Clov]

I guess at least Optimus looks more like Optimus now? Is this one a follow-up to Bumblebee, what’s the explanation for the robots now looking, well, less crap?

‘Stranger danger’ is some terrible dialogue for a warrior robot about to get eaten by a robot cat though. Are the autobots now just incompetent rather than uncaring alien assholes?

The dialogue is not... great, but wow this looks so much better than the last three movies Phos and I watched. It's great seeing Arcee in a live action film that doesn't seem to treat her like garbage!

From what I know, this movie is a sequel to Bumblebee and takes place in the 90s. So maybe the Autobots are less experienced here, or maybe they're just no match for the Maximals. Really excited to see more of them, even if they don't look nearly as funny as they did in Beast Wars. Speaking of characters that don't look quite the same, I found out that Nightbird is in this movie! She looks absolutely nothing like she did in the original show, and likely has a completely different origin, but that's kind of neat. Three girl robots in one movie. I sense a high Arcee Factor score for this one!

On a different note, Phos and I have to work this week, so we'll be waiting until the weekend hits to continue our adventure into the complete cinematic Transformers canon. Three Bay movies in, and we're almost out of the woods...

I hope you're looking forward to what we think of the next movie!

 

[PixelKnight]

The dialogue is not... great, but wow this looks so much better than the last three movies Phos and I watched. It's great seeing Arcee in a live action film that doesn't seem to treat her like garbage!

From what I know, this movie is a sequel to Bumblebee and takes place in the 90s. So maybe the Autobots are less experienced here, or maybe they're just no match for the Maximals. Really excited to see more of them, even if they don't look nearly as funny as they did in Beast Wars. Speaking of characters that don't look quite the same, I found out that Nightbird is in this movie! She looks absolutely nothing like she did in the original show, and likely has a completely different origin, but that's kind of neat. Three girl robots in one movie. I sense a high Arcee Factor score for this one!

On a different note, Phos and I have to work this week, so we'll be waiting until the weekend hits to continue our adventure into the complete cinematic Transformers canon. Three Bay movies in, and we're almost out of the woods...

I hope you're looking forward to what we think of the next movie!

Ah I’d stopped following TF by the time the Beast Wars cartoon came out so I don’t really know the characters too well. Still, as you say, it’s got potential! I should bump Bumblebee up my watch list.

 

[Clov]

Ah I’d stopped following TF by the time the Beast Wars cartoon came out so I don’t really know the characters too well. Still, as you say, it’s got potential! I should bump Bumblebee up my watch list.

Beast Wars aired when I was a kid, so for me, it was what more or less got me into Transformers! I didn't really get into the rest of the franchise until Phos and I drunkenly watched the 1986 movie on a whim during a holiday. Now we're hooked!

Bumblebee is one of the few Transformers movies Phos and I had seen before starting this thread. We watched it a month or two ago. It's a fun watch! The designs are, for the most part, a LOT better than the Bay films. It's not amazing, but it's good fun. Great opening sequence too!

 

[Sadist]

First impressions of Rise of the Beasts are actually decent, which for live action Transformers movies is a huge step from the big steaming pile of scrap the Bay movies are.

The Mirage stuff feels a bit too… kid friendly I guess, but the human characters not screaming their heads off is a huge plus

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Transformers Prime Beast Hunters: Predacons Rising

Jim Morrison Voice: Predacons risin'!

The Arcee Factor:
She's in this and she's blue! Thats pretty neat! Wow!
10/10

Wow Cool Robot:
These robots look okay. Way the hell better than the Bay films, even though some of them are clearly based on the Bay designs (esp Megatron) they are much cleaner and more appealing. Shockwave looks pretty cool, maybe my favorite design here. The Predacons looked stupid.
7/10


The Mystery of Convoy:
I have never seen an episode of the Primes series, but I had no problem following this, even if I found it dull and padded out. The Predacon stuff felt a little tacked on despite being in the title. Obviously 3 episodes stitched together, which probably accounts for the weird pacing.
6/10


Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Arcee is blue and Starscream is gray!? I assume this looks exactly like the show it the finale of so, uh, guess it gets a perfect score. Sorry folks, I don't make the rules (I do in fact make the rules).
10/10


Are Their Songs Better?:
If you told me this had no music I would have no way to prove you wrong.
0/10


Ride or be Ridden:
This truck is idealing. Can't get the car started guess it'll have to drive me.
0/10

Overall: 33

Verdict: this show has an amazing cast. Jeffrey Combs especially as Ratchet.

Suggestion: Double feature with Orson Welles' Macbeth (The Scottish Play) for more vaguely Scottish Welles voice.

 

[Clov]

This is the one you were looking forward to us watching next, right?


Transformers Prime: Beast Hunters: Predacons Rising (2013)

Like an oasis in the desert of Micheal Bay's Transformers! Let's see how the season finale to a show I've never watched stacks up!

The Arcee Factor: 10/10. Arcee is in this, and she rules! She has a great voice, and some cool action scenes. For some reason she's blue now instead of pink, as you can see from the toy above. But it's a good look!

Wow Cool Robot: 7/10. Not the best robots, but some of them, like Arcee, are great! Starscream and Shockwave look pretty decent in this too. What's most important is, asides from looking like cool toys, you can actually tell what they're doing in the action scenes, which is a major (and welcome) departure from the Bay films.

The Mystery of Convoy: 6/10. It's not bad! But there's a lot of exposition. Which... we actually kind of need here, because this is a TV movie that serves as a finale to the Transformers Prime TV series. A TV series I haven't watched. I was able to mostly follow what was going on. Unicron's here and possesses Megatron, Optimus goes to get the All-Spark, the Decepticons are plotting, the Autobots have to save the Well of All Sparks or something. Oh, and there's Predacons here too, but none of them are the ones from Beast Wars. It's only a little over an hour, but it honestly feels a bit stretched at times. Not always the most exciting either. But you know what? It's good enough!

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 10/10. It's really just more of the Prime TV show, so it's very faithful to that! And I guess it's faithful to the toys or something. I dunno. There's a few toys from Prime that released as part of the Transformers Legacy toyline (Arcee and Bulkhead) and they look pretty much like they do in this. So that counts for something. Oh, fun fact! The Legacy toy for Arcee was slightly modified and used as toys for Road Rocket and, best of all, Flamewar!

She's so cool!

Are Their Songs Better?: 1/10. Micheal Ironside's voice is music to my ears, but the actual music is iron to my ears.

Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. The Predacons are rising, but I'm stuck on the ground.

Total score: 34

Verdict: Not too shabby! Some great voice acting, neat character designs, but some pacing problems. Maybe I'd like it better if I watched the show.

Suggestion: Imagine if Micheal Ironside played Autobot Ironhide. (????)

I guess there's no more avoiding it... we're going on... to the Age of Extinction... Primus help us all.

 

[Dinoman96]

The Arcee Factor: 10/10. Arcee is in this, and she rules! She has a great voice, and some cool action scenes. For some reason she's blue now instead of pink, as you can see from the toy above. But it's a good look!

The TF Prime writers thought Jack (Arcee's human partner in the show) would look silly riding around on a pink motorcycle.

 

[Fercho]

The Bay´s Transformers movies are a rare achievement in cinematic history.

Who else can have several 4 hour movies about giant robots that transform in awesome vehicles waging war between themselves and humanity, using the most advanced SFX technology available and amazing music score in the background to boot and then make these movies the stupidest, most incomprehensible, offensive and BORING pieces of shit ?

Only Michael Bay, that´s who!! guy is special.

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The Transformers: The Age of the Extinction



The car's on fire, and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn
We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death
The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles
It went like this:
The buildings toppled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies
Picked through the rubble
And pulled out their hair
The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze
I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful"
"These are truly the last days"
You grabbed my hand
And we fell into it
Like a daydream
Or a fever
We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of death
I open up my wallet
And it's full of energon

The Arcee Factor:
No girlbots, but this movie is less hateful towards women than previous Bay turds. It is still extremely weird about women.
0/10

Wow Cool Robot:
The robots keep looking worse tbh. Well, maybe they looked worse before, but the dinobots are bad, hound is bad, and mark wahlberg is the worst robot design I've ever seen (what is she smoking???)
-10/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
This movie has 3 main villians (Galvatron, Lockdown, and Frasier "Slideshow Bob" Crane). Optimus Prime brutally murders the latter 2. Galvatron is serching for his seed, but he can't find it and goes home. Optimus Prime wants to kill humans as soon as he wakes up, claims he has sworn to never kill a human, and in the end kills Kelsey Grandma (???). The dinobots are forced to help under penalty of death. They seem to be a complete after thought. Unclear why this movie is called Age of Extinction.
-20/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Who gives a shit. Same as always. Fuck this.
-10/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
Less annoying, but still bad. Im sneepy and drank to many officially licensed Jack and Coke premixed can blarg bah
-10/10

Ride or be Ridden:

0/10

Overall: -50

Verdict: somehow the best Bayformers movie and its still total dogshit. Just a bit less evil.

Suggestion: send me 100 USA dollars.

 

[Clov]

Sigh...
Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

"I'll KILL YOU!" - Optimus Prime

"Go find my seed!" - Galvatron

The Arcee Factor: 0/10. There are no girl robots in this movie, which is probably a good thing because it's WEIRD about women. Like, everyone knows about the "Romeo and Juliet law" scene, which is incredibly uncomfortable, but it's just very weird about Marky Mark's daughter in general. She's a prize to be won by... her father and her boyfriend (an adult). Micheal Bay has some real issues to work through. But anyway, this category is about ROBOT girls specifically, and there's none to be found here. So zero!

Wow Cool Robot: -10/10. The designs are just as bad as ever, some even worse. Drift, who is a pretty cool character from the IDW comics, is now a samurai who speaks in stilted English, for some reason. Galvatron (voiced by Frank Welker this time, who does a better job than Hugo Weaving) still looks like a pile of scrap. Worst of all is Hound, who's like a robot Duck Dynasty guy or something. I think he was in one of the other movies but he's WAY more annoying here. He looks ugly and acts annoying. These robots suck.

The Mystery of Convoy: -20/10. Based off the title, I assumed that the Dinobots were going to be really important, but they're barely in the movie, and only show up for the last part. Kelsey Grammar, turning in a terrible performance, wants to kill all Transformers, and works with a Transformer named Lockdown to achieve this. Galvatron, a reborn Megatron created from Megatron's "evil chromosomes" is obsessed with obtaining his "seed", but doesn't do much of note and just kind of wanders off in the end. There's plenty of focus on Marky Mark being possessive of his daughter, but handing her off to someone else in the end, because girls are ultimately just the property of their fathers and boyfriends or something else insane that Micheal Bay believes. When you see those shots of the American desert wasteland, with some shack with an American flag sticking out of it, you just know Bay is sitting off-camera shouting "This is the REAL America baby!!!"

Oh can we also just mention how insane it is that the first thing Optimus does after waking up is shouting "I'll KILL YOU!" at a bunch of humans, and how he threatens to murder the Dinobots to get them to work with him? Weird stuff.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: -10/10. The movie fundamentally misunderstands Optimus and the Autobots OR Galvatron. Hell, I'd say that this movie doesn't understand human beings in general.

Are Their Songs Better?: -10/10. There's a few needledrops in the movie but they're all pretty awful. Makes me wish I was listening to the Rock Lords song from GoBots.

Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. Tied to Grimlock's (????) tail and dragged across concrete.

Overall Score: -50

Verdict: The only reason this movie is called Age of Extinction is because it proves we deserve to go extinct.

Suggestion: Watch the two part "Desertion of the Dinobots" episode from the original cartoon instead.

 

[WestEgg]

 

[Clov]

The TF Prime writers thought Jack (Arcee's human partner in the show) would look silly riding around on a pink motorcycle.

That's a very stupid reason. I still like Arcee's blue design, but nothing beats the classic pink look!

The Bay´s Transformers movies are a rare achievement in cinematic history.

Who else can have several 4 hour movies about giant robots that transform in awesome vehicles waging war between themselves and humanity, using the most advanced SFX technology available and amazing music score in the background to boot and then make these movies the stupidest, most incomprehensible, offensive and BORING pieces of shit ?

Only Michael Bay, that´s who!! guy is special.

The CG is very impressive, I'll give the films that! Not that impressed by the music or the designs for the Transformers themselves, but those are far lesser problems compared to the actual content of the films.

What's funny about Age of Extinction is that despite being the longest, which you'd think would be an absolute death knell, it felt like the shortest. It's still an absolutely terrible movie, but the weird editing, bizarre narrative choices, and strange, unresolved fixations (the daughter, Galvatron's "seed") make it a more entertaining bad movie to watch. It's not as hateful as the first three movies either; while the movie is very, very weird about women and definitely objectifies them, there's far, far less racism!

I hope I'm not making this film sound too good, because it's still absolute trash.

 

[robertman2]

The Transformers vs Terminator comic makes Arcee a muscle car, and I like that idea a lot.

 

[Clov]

The Transformers vs Terminator comic makes Arcee a muscle car, and I like that idea a lot.

I love that comic! It's so fun! Arcee is great in it, but I also gotta shout-out Velocity. That comic was my introduction to her, and she made a big impression on me!

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Transformers vs. G.I. Joe: The Movie Adaptation

I know what you're thinking: this a comic, not a movie? Have you lost the plot young lady?

Well, calm down old timer. Unfortunately, the movie this comic is based on is lost media, being purely theoretical in nature. And anyways, how could I not talk about Tom Scioli's Earth shattering comics masterpiece Transformers vs. G.I. Joe?

The idea here is what if that comic was adapted into a movie and that movie was adapted back into a promotional comic.

The answer is that it would totally kick ass.

The Arcee Factor:
Scarlett, who is basically the main character here, becomes Optimus Prime's head and kills Megatron. No Arcee, but that's worth a perfect score in my books
10/10

Wow Cool Robot:
It doesn't get much better than Scioli drawing the Transformers toys in their G1 designs. I would kill for good toys based on his illustrations
10/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
It feels like a perfect summation of a movie that doesn't exist, but if it did it would be the coolest movie ever. There's even fake interviews with the cast and a feature on the special effects in the film. Like an artifact from a cooler reality.
10/10


Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Everything looks like it should, and in many cases better than it ever has.
10/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
Sadly this is a comic and is thus silent. This pains me, but I am mearly passing on the objective truth of the universe.
0/10

Ride or be Ridden: This ride was over too soon, but I'd gladly take it again.
10/10

Overall: 50/60

Verdict: GI Joes aren't as cool as the Transformers, but they're still cool toys

Suggestion: read Tom Scioli comics, demand a sequel to Transformers vs GI Joe

Yo Joe! Transform and roll out!

 

[Clov]

Transformers vs GI Joe: The Movie Adaptation (2017)

Hey! This is a comic book, not a movie!
Oh yeah!? Well, perhaps you were unaware, but given that the original movie is totally lost media, or something, this comic book adaptation is all we have left. So, I'll be reviewing this next!

You can't do this!
Oh yeah!?

The Arcee Factor: 10/10. Now unlike the actual Transformers vs GI Joe comic, The Movie Adaptation sadly does NOT feature Arcee. However, it DOES have the GI Joe girl Scarlett become a Headmaster and control the body of Optimus Prime to defeat Megatron. And THAT is pretty incredible.

Wow Cool Robot: 10/10. The robots here are looking their best! The sketchy style makes them look very toy-like, which is really the ideal for Transformers. Not much else to say here!

The Mystery of Convoy: 10/10. While the comic is sadly an abridged version of the lost film, we can see the broad strokes of everything that happened, and it's exciting! Ancient Decepticon alliances, psychological warfare, father and son conflict, and even a human and robot love story. It's got everything! There's even a look behind the scenes of the film with the cast and crew, including the suit actor for Optimus!

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 10/10. All the Transformers and all the GI Joes look exactly as they should. The film appears to have been a love letter to the dedicated fans of both franchises, and of the old comics.

Are Their Songs Better?: 0/10. It's sad, but given that the original film is lost, and a comic obviously can't have music, I have no choice but to give it a zero. I'm sure the soundtrack WOULD have been great, but alas...

Ride or be Ridden: 10/10. Stand aside Scarlett, I'm piloting Optimus now!

Total Score: 50

Verdict: A perfect little story for fans of either franchises. Funny in concept, extremely well done in execution.

Suggestion: Even if you don't care about GI Joe, just pick up and read Transformers vs GI Joe in any way that you can. It's a fantastic ride all the way through!

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Transformers: The Last Knight



Well I'll be double damn dog shit dipped, this is far and away the best of the bayformers (2/5 on the "real" scale). It doesn't hate women or minorities. It is merely a mediocre piece of dreck (a huge improvement on the way things used to be).

The Arcee Factor:
The Quintesen is a gatekeep gaslight girlboss who unlocks Movie Optopiss Slime's true shithead nature, only to be defeated by Marky "Hate Crime" Mark. God forbid a woman do anything.
5/10

Wow Cool Robot:
The baby dinobots (Dean "Deno" Martin (Denobot=Dinobots (Martin and Lewis (Jerry Lewis (Phos' Jerry Lewis Quest to continue??? (Mr. Police, I gave you all the clues))))) are cute. Cogman is gay.
1/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
King Arthur and the TRANSformers. Optishit Crim is a huge asshole. I don't know, who cares. The begining of the movies is Spielberg kids on bikes shit, but it gets bored and than Marky "I should be in prison for murdering someone" Mark show up and they don't matter. British people apparently exist in this universe and a british woman is the "new" merlin, but I forgot if that acually matters.
1/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk what the fuckkkkkkkk.
-10/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
I don't even know. Its music.
0/10

Ride or be Ridden: All aboard me.
0/10

Overall: -3/10

Verdict: I WILL kill you!

Suggestion: ALL SONS OF OLD GODS DIE!

 

[Clov]

At last... it's almost over...

Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)

The Arcee Factor: 5/10. I know! This is the first positive rating I've given one of these Bay movies. But this movie is surprisingly not even close to being as bad or weird about women as the other Bay films. On top of just treating women like normal characters rather than objects to be won or impediments to men, there's actually a girl robot in this movie who's not treated all that badly! She's the main villain, Quintesson, who's based off completely unrelated aliens from the cartoon. She's a girlboss who wants to kill Unicron (who's also the planet Earth?) to fix Cybertron or something, but who can blame her? Anyway she needed to be in more of the movie. She only shows up a few times, sadly enough.

Wow Cool Robot: -10/10. Sorry, but the robots still just look awful. They introduce a bunch of new, awful looking Decepticons, and kill off a bunch of them minutes later, because they have toys to sell and Anthony Hopkins to film, but they look bad! Hound is still here and sucks, Drift is still here with all the issues of the last movie. Worst of all one of those horrible little guys from the third movie is here. Don't know his name and don't care, he belongs in the trash.

The Mystery of Convoy: 0/10. Something about Merlin's staff, Megatron's serving a girlboss to get her staff, Hot Rod is French, Transformers in WWII? A watch Transformer killed Hitler, that's cool! Anthony Hopkins has a gay robot butler. There's a lot happening in this movie and not all of it comes together very well. Optimus gets brainwashed but honestly, he just seems like he always does in these Bay films, a murderous asshole. Anyway, I think Quintesson should have drained the Earth's energy, she was cool. Some British lady stole her staff or something.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: -10/10. Well, none of the characters are really faithful to the franchise. Quintesson doesn't have multiple faces like the aliens in the show, Hot Rod isn't French... but I actually don't mind French Hot Rod that much. It's pretty silly. Anyway I don't believe Megatron would serve Quintesson without an ulterior motive or something. It's really just as bad as the other Bay films here.

Are Their Songs Better?: 0/10. Absolutely nothing memorable. I guess that's better than having Holding Out for a Hero in your movie, at least.

Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. The Knights of Cybertron combine to make a King Ghidorah robot dragon, and I'm being dragged off into the stratosphere with it..

Total Score: -15

Verdict: Not nearly as bad as the other Bay films. Not good, but honestly enjoyable in some ways. Far less hateful, far more silly.

Suggestion: Be thankful that we're finally through the Bay films, and if you can't help it, don't watch ANY of them.

It's over... the Bay films are finished, and we're almost done our appraisal. Our journey nears its end...

 

[robertman2]

I truly want to know what Bay was cooking with the insanity that is the ever changing aspect ratio