Film Transformers: A Complete Cinematic Appraisal |ST| Beyond Good, Beyond Evil, Beyond Your Wildest Imagination

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Gobots: Battle of the Rocklords

Wow, thr first film in the Transformers multimedia empire. What humble beginnings.

Whats that you say? Not a Transformers movie? Actually it is, fuck you. Hasbro owns these dipshit now and they are part of the larger Transformers "toyaverse". Anyways this movie is...well...bad.

The Arcee Factor:
With movies like Crasher and Solitaire in them, you can't lose! Crasher is canonically gay in both IDW continuity and the bible! She's always laughing! She has the same powers as Rumble, but that's none of my business....
10/10
Wow Cool Robot:
The rock lords aren't robots, but they suck shit through a chainlink fence, and make no mistake. The gobots are also technically cyborgs or something, but they are also not good. Crasher and Cykill are cool. We have a toy of Cykill from the 80s, and our Megatron killed him. 2 cool robots outta...lets say 40 ain't good, even in golf.
3/10
The Mystery of Convoy:
This movie is about a revolutionary, The Brave Magmar, being crushed by the despotic Rock Lords. An all too real and common story, but like some kind of fascist propaganda film, this is presented as a good thing?! Also, you'd think the studio that gave us Flinstones could come up with better rock puns.
1/10
Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
There is actually a rock lord called Rumble, and much talk of rumbling each other. It is unclear whether this is meant to be murder or sex. These guys look like the toys I guess, who cares.
10/10
Are Their Songs Better?:
There is one song with lyrics here and it is awful.
1/10
Ride or be Ridden:
I made the wrong choice watching this movie for a 2nd time this year. I am Wheelie and this movie is Cykill. Oof ouch, my wheels.
0/10

Total score: 25/60
Verdict: This movie is more like...Rotlords
Suggestion: Read the Tom Scioli comic.

 

[Clov]

GoBots: Battle of the Rock Lords (1986)

Hey! This isn't a Transformers movie!

Actually, it technically is! Though originally imported by Tonka from the Japanese Machine Robo line, Hasbro bought Tonka... and along with them, the GoBots. Ever since then, GoBots have appeared in various Transformers media and toylines, including my favorite, Crasher! So, it, counts! Now without further ado...

The Arcee Factor: 10/10. Solitiare is literally a stone butch, and Crasher's tgirl vibes are off the chart. As I later found out, before the GoBots cartoon aired her toy was referred to with he/him pronouns. There's also her brief appearances in the Phase One IDW Transformers comics which, because of some poorly thought out worldbuilding from the clueless at best Simon Furman, lead to her being trans. She seems to be much happier now at least. Good for her!

Wow Cool Robot: 5/10. The rock lords are the most disappointing toys any child could receive. Imagine your friend gets a robot that turns into a truck, and you get stuck with something that turns into a rock you could find in any park or playground. Awful. The GoBot regulars fair better though. Cy-Kill looks very funny, Leader-1 is cool, but most of all, Crasher is great. Robot girl who can cause earthquakes and turn into a race car. She got a great looking Transformers toy very recently as part of the Transformers Legacy line!

The Mystery of Convoy: 2/10. Impossible to follow what was going on. No idea what the humans were doing here. Don't know why the GoBots care about these weird rock people so much. At least what Cy-Kill was doing made sense. Extra point for the scene where Cy-Kill picks up the human characters and flies directly into space with them (somehow they survive).

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 10/10. Well, they're pretty faithful to the GoBots toys? Kind of? They look like they do in the TV show. The toys look a little different. The recent Go-Bots comic book actually looks way more like the toys, which is surprising because of legal shenanigans, Hasbro doesn't own the toys themselves. Hm.

Are Their Songs Better?: 1/10. Judge for yourself.



Ride or Be Ridden: 0/10. There's no denying it, we were taken for a ride here. The movie is simply not good on any level. Well, the parts where Cy-Kill and Crasher are there are pretty fun. But they're the two bright spots in a chasm of wheel-spinning.

Overall score: 28.

Verdict: Just buy the Crasher toy instead of watching the movie.

Suggestion: Practice enunciating in Cy-Kill's voice.

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The Transformers: The Movie

This is one of the best movies ever made. Orson Welles, Arcee, Leonard Nemoy, Optimus Prime eating shit...wowg, all down hill from here leggies and gentleworms....

The Arcee Factor:
Here's a hint! Arcee is in this movie! She's gay and trans and she would be my friend!
10/10
Wow Cool Robot:
All my favorite toys are here! Literally got a coronation star cream today! This is not bad comedy!
10/10
The Mystery of Convoy:
An epic tale of sacrifice, heroism, being gay, and robot dinosaurs. This is what Shakespeare wanted to write, and the script for the film was literally found in his tomb. The world wasn't ready....and I'm not sure it'll ever be...
10/10
Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
You better believe it!!!!!!¡¡!¡!!!!
10/10
Are Their Songs Better?:
You got the touch. C'mon.
10/10
Ride or be Ridden:
A wild ride. A smile on my face the entire time.
10/10

Total score: 60/60
Verdict: Citizen Kane, Ikiru, Celine and Julie Go Boating...The Transformers The Movie
Suggestion: Dare to be stupid

 

[Clov]

The Transformers: The Movie (1986)
Here we go! The all-time classic, that introduces so many essential elements of the franchise. Is an all-star cast, a ton of licensed music, and Arcee enough to make a great movie? Here's a hint!

The Arcee Factor: 10/10. It's literally named after her! The TRANSformer herself is introduced in this movie, and she rules. While it would take until IDW's comics to show how gay and trans she is, let's face it. She's here, she's queer, and she's ready to transform and roll out!

Wow Cool Robot: 10/10. The toy robots here are perhaps at their best. There's plenty of the classic toys on display; Optimus, Megatron, Soundwave... but there's a ton of new, great toys introduced too! Galvatron, Arcee, and Unicron to name a few! ...though Unicron wouldn't get a toy for a while. Here's the original one they planned on making, which sadly was cancelled:

The Mystery of Convoy: 10/10. A perfectly paced story, revolving around the passing of the torch from Optimus Prime to his successor, Rodimus Prime. So many incredible moments. Optimus' last stand against Megatron, Megatron's reformatting into Galvatron, Starscream's death, the Dinobots trashing the Quintessons... but most importantly, Prowl eating shit and dying!

Fuck you, you cop piece of shit!

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 10/10. This is the platonic ideal of what a Transformers movie should be. Cool toys, gay robots, non-stop kick-ass action.

Are Their Songs Better?: 10/10. It has a Weird Al needledrop! And who can forget...



Ride or be Ridden: 10/10. We took this on a ride all the way through. Pure perfection, exhilarating no matter how many times I watch it! This IS Transformers!

Overall Score: 60

Verdict: Bah-weep-Graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong!

Suggestion: Watch the movie, buy the toys, live the life! Transform and roll out!

This... is truly the peak of Transformers. It's... a bit downhill from here. And by a bit I mean... a lot. Here we go...

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Clash! Beast Warrior

I swear I dreamed this....what year is it?
Piercing screams fill your ears

The Arcee Factor:
Air Razor...Black Arcanea...uh, okay, that ain't nothing....5/10
Wow Cool Robot:
Yup, they are. I got a Tarantulus and he whispers secrets to me at night...
10/10
The Mystery of Convoy:
The mystery of what happened in this movie....what were they smoke in???????
1/10
Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
So far so good for this cat of gory. What could pawsibly to wrong. No rumple or fretzee though
5/10
Are Their Songs Better?:
The Op and ending them kick my ass
7/10
Ride or be Ridden:
Ouch ooof aghhhh my wheels!
0/10
Total score: 28/60
Verdict: This is bad comedy
Suggestion: take a shower and go to bed

 

[Clov]

Clash! Beast Warrior (1998)

Hey! This isn't a movie!

Shut up! Yes it is! It showed in Japanese theaters. It's a movie, no matter how short it is!

You're just delaying the inevitable! You'll reach the Micheal Bay movies at some point!

Shut up!

The Arcee Factor: 7/10. So, this is just Japanese dubbed Beast Wars. So we have Airrazor, and Black Arachnia. So the funny thing about Airrazor is that in the Japanese dub, they changed her to a boy for some reason. This had the side effect of making a later scene with her and Tigatron REALLY gay in Japanese. That's gotta count for something. Black Arachnia on the other hand, is still a girl in Japanese, and yes, she still has all the tgirl swag she had in the original English version. Did you know she kisses Airrazor in the Netflix series, War for Cybertron?

Wow Cool Robot: 10/10. The toys here are extremely cool. Love Airrazor, and Megatron, Terrorsaur, Dinobot? These are some COOL toys. They're actually releasing new toys of the season 1 cast in Japan, and they look incredible!

The Mystery of Convoy: 1/10. So, the problem with this movie is that it's essentially a redubbed Beast Wars clip show. The way it's been edited for the cinema here makes it REALLY hard to follow. Given that Japanese Beast Wars essentially is a gag dub with tons of ad-libbing, it doesn't help much. Phos and I rewatched Beast Wars recently while drunk, but I couldn't remember anything that happened here. I think if we were sober it wouldn't have helped.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 4/10. What IS the Beast Wars source material anyway? The original show? Because this ad-libs a bunch of stuff over it. The original toys? Most of the original Beast Wars toys don't resemble the CG models. Like, look! This isn't Airrazor!

Are Their Songs Better?: 7/10. The opening theme is really catchy!



Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. Short as it may be, it's incoherent. We were taken for a 35 minute ride.

Overall score: 29.

Verdict: Yessssssssss... but really, nooooooooo.

Suggestion: Watch the compilation of every time Megatron says "yes" in Beast Wars. You won't regret it!

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Beast Wars II: Lio Convoy's Close Call
I can't believe this this is the second time I've seen this garbage. Boring and cheap. Why did I watch this sober. Almost to the Bay movies...wait that's worse!

The Arcee Factor:
This movie has no girls, let alone Arcee. This sucks, uhg. I wish Lio Jr. was dead.
0/10

Wow Cool Robot:
Some of these toys look okay at best, and the toys based on this show are pretty infamously bad.
2/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
Big Hook vibes with the Lio Convoy/Lio Junior/Galvatron stuff, and we know how that worked out for old Stevy Spielberg...
1/10
Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
An insult to Beast Wars (a bad show) to call this Beast Wars II. Doesn't make sense continuity wise. I guess Optimus Primal show ups, but he doesn't even turn into a monke
2/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
The opening theme is okay, everything else is pretty generic
5/10

Ride or be Ridden:
Ridden, and there can be no doubt.
0/10


Total score: 10/60

Verdict: if you told me this movie didn't exist I would believe you

Suggestion: watch Hook instead.

 

[Clov]

Beast Wars II: Lio Convoy's Close Call! (1998)

Well... that's just prime. If you don't know what Beast Wars II is... in Japan, while they were waiting to bring over more dubbed Beast Wars, they made two anime series, Beast Wars II and Beast Wars Neo, to fill the gap, along with their own toy lines. Beast Wars II ended up getting a short movie. The result was, well...

The Arcee Factor: 0/10. Despite the original Beast Wars having a few girls, there's not a single one in this film. They should have summoned Airrazor from the past instead of Primal.

Wow Cool Robot: 5/10. The toys are overall pretty bad. They're just not as cool looking as the original Beast Wars cast. As an example, here's a recent toy of the main character, Lio Convoy:

He looks way less unique than Optimus Primal. He mostly looks like an Optimus Prime with some animal parts glued on. Funny looking beast mode though! Gotta give some credit for a cat transformer being the main character! And some extra credit for Galvatron being pink.

The Mystery of Convoy: 3/10. This is an original film, and it does have a story! Galvatron summons a big robot with some kind of device, the Maximals (Cybertrons, in Japanese) summon Optimus Primal to even the odds. It's not that hard to follow, but it's not very interesting. Maybe I'd like it more if I followed Beast Wars II, but I don't like any of the characters.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 2/10. They're pretty accurate to the toys, but the toys aren't very good. The best ones are all recolors of existing Beast Wars characters. And there's simply no way Beast Wars II makes sense as a sequel to Beast Wars given what happens in the series. An insult to fans of Canadian animated classics.

Are Their Songs Better?: 5/10. The opening song is okay. Pretty average stuff, really.



Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. Taken for a spin on Galvatron's pirate ship.

Overall score: 15

Verdict: I wish I was drunk.

Suggestion: Consider watching Kimba instead.

 

[Clov]

Beast Wars Metals Special (1998)

The last of 1998's theatrical Beast Wars releases! This is literally just the Beast Wars episode "Bad Spark" dubbed in Japanese, with, as is standard for Japanese Beast Wars, plenty of ad-libbing of varying quality (mostly bad, though it is charming). One of the best episodes of the show, from what my hazy memory can recall!

The Arcee Factor: 5/10. Blackarachnia is here with all her yeag girl energy as you'd expect! But tragically Airrazor is absent, as she had already died in the show prior to this episode. Bad move, honestly! They even made a new toy of her at the time that wasn't featured in the show at all. Disappointing!

Wow Cool Robot: 10/10. The original Beast Wars cast are of course, all extremely cool in their new Transmetal forms, but this episode introduces one of the best new toys, Rampage! He's a robot crab! And a tank! And a cannibal!

The Mystery of Convoy: 6/10. This episode is all about Rampage appearing, stalking Blackarachnia and Silverbolt, and the Maximals fighting him. It's very tense, even though Japanese Rampage's new personality as some sort of punk makes him not nearly as creepy. A great episode, though Beast Wars had better episodes involving him.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 5/10. The characters mostly look like the toys, but the Japanese dub is of course not very faithful to the original English version. Sometimes this can be fun (like with Doctor Megatron), other times it makes me roll my eyes. They just had to FILL the silence with something... constantly. But I gotta give some credit that they kept the funniest line from the original intact. "Welcome... to the Beast Wars!"

Are Their Songs Better?: 5/10. Pretty boring, not nearly as memorable as the original Japanese theme.

Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. Driven around on top of a murderous crab-tank-bot.

Overall Score: 26

Verdict: Pray that Hasbro makes a new Rampage toy after so long.

Suggestion: Get yourself some snow crab legs and chow down.

With that, we've finally finished the 1998 Beast Wars theatrical releases. Looks like it's finally time...

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Beast Wars Metals Special

I've seen the TV version of this, but being in dog shit quality and dubbed in Japanese really...adds...well, it doesn't add anything, but this is one of the better episodes of Beast Wars, so bangs gavel I'll allow it!

The Arcee Factor:
One less girl than the last of these Beast Films, but Black Arcanea is gay and trans.
7/10

Wow Cool Robot:
Much better toys than the last piece of shit. They need to make a modern Rampage! Also, I don't like yucky yicky spiders or nasty old waspos, but those are some of the coolest toys from this series! That's how good they are! Rats off to ya, Kenner!
10/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
A cannibal serial killer crab forged from Starscreams spark is a great premise for an episode that carries this shows typically shoddy pacing farther than usual. Plus it turn out that crab has a heart of gold! But thats a story from another, better episode.
6/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
The Japanese dub is not especially faithful to the English, which isn't amazing, but a lot of the adlibbing is charming though pretty groan worthy. Plus, you just can't beat the original Megatron voice! Welcome to the Beast Wars!!!

Are Their Songs Better?:
Pretty lack luster theme song that gets talked over. Bah! The ending theme is pretty funny though
5/10


Ride or be Ridden:
Looks like I'm under the saddle again folks.
0/10

Overall 28/60

Verdict: Pray the new beast film is better

Suggestion: avoid making a new robot out of the soul of a murder robot

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Beast Wars Metals Convoy's Great Transformation!

No no no! This can't be! Why is there another one of these! Good thing this is the last one...the next movie has to be better, right? Wait a minute.....oh no!

The Arcee Factor:
Just look at my last review. I guess there's a monsterous monkey girl now.
6/10


Wow Cool Robot:
Same, but optimal optimus looks dumb ass hell.
7/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
This episode has cyber raptors that megatron made to kill human to stop us evolvin'. It is unclear why he doesn't just kill humans himself.
4/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
See above review.
0/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
No, more of the same but slightly worse.
3/10

Ride or be Ridden:
What do you think?
0/10

Overall: 20/60

Verdict:
The Beast Wars are over, I lost!

Suggestion:
Stop watching here, I'm begging me!

 

[Clov]

Beast Wars Metals: Convoy's Great Transformation! (1999)

Huh? Were you expecting us to watch something else? Well, this released first! After 3:40 seconds of pure exposition, the final Beast Wars compilation movie begins!

The Arcee Factor: 5/10. Nothing has changed since the last one of these. You get Blackarachnia, but Airrazor is still gone (until a very, very brief cameo during the credits), and there's no other girls in the Beast Wars.

Wow Cool Robot: 7/10. The biggest new toy here is Optimal Optimus, who doesn't look like a cool toy at all. He looks more like a silly toy than a cool one. They never made toys of the Cyber Raptors as far as I know either. Plus one point for featuring Quickstrike, one of the best Beast Wars characters, who sadly is NOT a cowboy in Japanese.

The Mystery of Convoy: 4/10. This is not one of the better episodes of the show, as hilarious the idea of Megatron sending cybernetic raptors after proto-humans is. Megatron should have skipped this part in his plan and just created Dinobot II from the start. He's way cooler than the cyber-raptors anyway.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 5/10. There's honestly nothing new to add here. I've said everything I had to say with the last two Beast Wars compilations.

Are Their Songs Better?: 2/10. No, not really. The ending theme is actually pretty bad.

Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. Strapped to the back of a cyber raptor and carried off into the unknown wilds.

Overall score: 23

Verdict: They won't teach this one in the classroom! Teach the controversy!

Suggestion: Never send a cyber-raptor to do a Transmetal Megatron's job.

Alright, there's gotta be something else I can dig up! Some sort of compilation, TV movie or something... huh. There isn't. I guess that means there's no choice but to move onto... the big one... and when Transformers goes big, it goes Bay...

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Transformers (2007)

A profoundly evil film. Racist, misogynistic, and homophobic. A 2 hour and change us army recruitment ad and argument for why our boy over seas simply have to kill those evil foreigners. If you like this movie, fuck you, you should be permanently banned from not only this forum but from society at large.

The Arcee Factor:
No girl robots plus it is as I said deeply hateful towards women. The straightest movie ever made. If micheal bay had his way every queer person would be dead.
0/10

Wow Cool Robot:
These are the ugliest robots I have ever seen. Just visually incomprehensible messes.
0/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
Again, this is a recruitment ad and not a narrative. Who are the decepticons, the autobots, ect? Shut up and join the army you [censored], where even ethnics can make a difference as long as they speak American.
0/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Everything is gray and lifeless. The orginal cartoon was a crass and cheap toy commercial with 100x the integrity of this shit.
0/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
The music in this is generic shit and lazy needle drops
0/10

Ride or be Ridden:
I hope everyone involved in this movie is eaten by a tiger.
0/10

Overall: 0/60

Verdict: I regret watching this and am angry I have committed to watching all of these

Suggestions: dismantle the american empire and gill of teen the rich.

 

[Clov]

Transformers (2007)



Dear god. I am filled with such regret. This was so much worse than I remembered. A hideous and miserable film, devoid of color and joy. A death march.

The Arcee Factor: 0/10. There is not a single girl robot in the film, and if there were I'm sure Micheal Bay would have had her tortured and killed, given how misogynistic the film is in general.

Wow Cool Robot: 0/10. The robots here are hideous, misshapen coagulated junk. They don't look cool, they don't make for cool toys, and the action scenes involving them are impossible to follow, as hulking metallic beasts slam against each other and congeal into CGI blurs.

The Mystery of Convoy: 0/10. Sam Witwicky has to protect a cube or something, with the help of the US Military. I don't know. The damn thing is 2 hours and 20 minutes long, and much of its runtime is devoted to military jack-off sequences. I can't help but mention how much this movie hates non-white people here. One of the earliest "jokes" in the film is that a man speaks Spanish. Jazz, an Autobot who speaks in stereotypical Black vernacular, is the only Autobot to die. This movie is ugly and evil.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 0/10. The Transformers look nothing like their original toys or cartoon designs. Megatron and Starscream are completely unrecognizable. What's worse is that Starscream doesn't have anything resembling his original personality. In fact, Optimus is the only robot to really have much in common with his original incarnation. This movie actively has contempt for anyone who derived even a semblance of joy from the original cartoon or the original toys, and it can't even manage to create successful new incarnations.

Are Their Songs Better?: 0/10. Compared to the excellent needledrops in the 86 film, there's simply nothing to be found here. Maybe Linkin Park fans will enjoy the credits. I wouldn't know, because I'm not one of them.

Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. Not only was I taken for a ride, but I was dragged out of the car, beaten up, called slurs, and run over afterwards.

Overall Score: 0

Verdict: This is not a place of honor.

Suggestion: Drop and run.

I watched the next one ages ago and I know for a FACT it's worse. How is that possible!? Why did I let @Phosphorescent Skeleton talk me into this!? We have such a long, painful road ahead...

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

THE TRANSFORMERS THE REVENGE OF THE FALLEN



Boring, evil, and ugly. If anyone tells you Bay is an artist or that there is anything redeeming or artistic about this movie, they are Lucifer and make no mistake.

The Arcee Factor:
Arcee is killed in this movie because Bay hates women. Women can't be THE TROOPS and anyone who isn't a THE TROOPS is at best a 2nd class citizen. Women exist for sexual gratification, but watch out, they might use sex as a trap to corrupt you. An abhorrent movie.
-10/10

Wow Cool Robot:
The robots in this movie suck. They are even more visually incomprehensible than the last one, plus Tom "spongebob" Kenny to does a minstrel style performance as 2 robot brothers (one has a gold tooth). This movie is racist on a level few mainstream movies post the 1930s are.
-20/10


The Mystery of Convoy:
The mystery of what the fuck this movie is about. Not at all surprising that the script was unfinished. Michael Bay gets rock hard at the idea of our THE TROOPS killing foreigners.
0/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Frenzy called me a slur and Rumble has giant testicle and wants to have sex with megan fox and Jetfire blows a huge fart.
-10/10



Are Their Songs Better?:
Multiple green day songs. I wish weed was legal in japan, because booze helps, but weed would probably help more. Fuck thisssssss.
-10/10


Ride or be Ridden:
Ride? This is bad comedy!
-10/10

Overall: -60/60

Verdict: death by hanging!

Suggestion: read Tailgate x Cyclonus fanfic instead

 

[Clov]

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)



The human race is capable of such profound acts of evil.

So, what happens when you have a movie with no writers? Well, I found out tonight!

The Arcee Factor: -10/10. Arcee is actually in this movie, but she's three robots for some reason? And she gets one line before being killed off? Terrible. It's clear that Micheal Bay is a hateful man who can't stand to see yeag girls thriving. His treatment of Arcee in this film has convinced me he's the kind of guy who'd call me a slur if I walked past him in the street. There's also a Decepticon Pretender in this movie whose only personality trait is "wants to fuck Spike Witwicky". To say that this movie is contemptuous of women is to undersell how bad it all is.

Wow Cool Robot: -20/10. As awful as the toy robots were in the 2007 film, this one makes them significantly worse. Soundwave is now some floating silver space-thing, Ravage is a hideous cyclops, Devastator has visible robot testicles, oh, and did I mention the racist twins? It's shocking to see something this overtly hateful in a mainstream film.

The Mystery of Convoy: 0/10. The story is about a piece of a cube or something. Megatron comes back and tries to get the juicy cube knowledge from Sam Witwicky's head, which will help his master (?) the Fallen (?). I dunno. Mostly, just as in the last one, it's an excuse to feature a multitude of boring military montages. They go on for so goddam long! Hilariously they make sure to mention that Obama is hiding in a bunker while all this is happening, and that he wants to negotiate with the Decepticons.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: -10/10. As if the first movie wasn't insulting enough, Jetfire is now a dumb old man, there's some robot that humps Megan Fox's leg? The Matrix of Leadership is now a dagger? But the worst of all is what's become of the Autobots. They're no longer heroes protecting the planet, they're now tools of the US government and extensions of the US military industrial complex. Why the hell is Optimus taking orders from military goons? This sucks!

Are Their Songs Better?: 0/10. There's really nothing to say here. I think there was some Green Day? I guess that's not that much worse than Linkin Park.

Ride or be Ridden: -10/10. Chained inside of Bumblebee and taken on a 2 and a half hour tour of Micheal Bay's racism and misogyny factory.

Overall Score: -50

Verdict: I wish movies didn't exist.

Suggestion: Invent a time machine, kill Muybridge before he can photograph that damn horse. The medium wasn't worth it. We fucked up.

There's no POSSIBLE way the next one could be worse. It CAN'T be. Things HAVE to be looking up. Right? Please tell me I'm right.

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The Transformers: The Dark of the Moon



While having a marginally more coherent script this movie triples down on the racism and misogyny.
I enjoy plenty of "problematic" movies, but if you enjoy these movies you're a bad person.
Michael Bay turning a big dial that says 9/11 imagery as everyone cheers

The Arcee Factor:
No girl robots and this movie is even more hateful towards women, it includes more homophobia and a borderline tranphobic joke.
-10/10

Wow Cool Robot:
Robots look as bad as ever. Nothing new to say here tbh.
0/10


The Mystery of Convoy:
This movie hates asians so much. Almost as much as it hates women. Women are sexual objects to be fought over at best, and shrews who want to stop our troops from doing what needs to be done at worst. There's a general distrust of all foreigners here. The mystery of why the decepticons talk in a threatening foreign language and the autobots speak english.
-20/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Shockwave is a damn Shai halud (old man of the desert for my dune heads)!?!? The wreckers are stooges of the us government!?!? Transform and fuck off!!!
-10/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
Who fucking cares?
0/10

Ride or be Ridden:
Michael Bay broke my knees and tied me around Optipiss Slime's wheel ooooffff
-10/10

Overall: -50/60

Verdict: not enough booze in the world

Suggestion: watch Xtro (1983)

 

[Clov]

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)



I'm typing this intro before watching, drinking, or rating this film in anyway. I just wanted to say that I finished reading the Elegant Chaos storyline in the comic, More Than Meets the Eye. The series continues to cement itself for me as one of the best pieces of Transformers media ever made, and even putting the Transformers brand and setting aside, a fantastic comic by itself.

And now I'm going to watch this.

Pray for Phos and I.

The Arcee Factor: 0/10. There's no girl robots in this film. In a way, this is an improvement from the last film. In a way. There's no ROBOT women for the film to disrespect, at least. There's plenty that's just as bad or worse.

Wow Cool Robot: -10/10. There's no robots as overtly racist as the twins from the last film, but nothing has really improved. There's a scene that stuck out to me, where the Autobots are in a stand-off with two unnamed Decepticons. The Autobots speak English, the Decepticons speak some unsubtitled foreign language, and one of them has robot dreads. Not very subtle. While watching this film, I had a revelation. An obvious one, but one nonetheless. It's not so much that these movies hate the source material, it simply doesn't care about it at all.

The Mystery of Convoy: -20/10. I guess the story itself is, in some ways, more coherent in the last one, but it's not good. The Autobots retrieve and revive Sentinel Prime from the moon, but he's actually working with the Decepticons, and wants to bring Cybertron into Earth for some reason? He's played by Leonard Nimoy, who did a much better job in the 1986 film, if I might add. Anyway, there's a ton of bizarre racism here, like an Asian character introduced and shortly killed off purely for jokes about his race... and some WEIRD homophobia. There's some lady sent by Obama's government that's there to get in the way of THE TROOPS, used for some weird gender based "jokes". While I gave this movie a higher score in The Arcee Factor because of how it has no robot women to demean, make no mistake, it hates women MORE than the last one. The women here who aren't obstacles in the way of the men are helpless damsels. Oh, and the Autobots are still tools of the US military. We even get a brief scene of them killing people in Iran at the beginning! But what gets me, what literally left me saying "oh my god", was a twist near the end (?). So the Autobots are exiled off Earth and supposedly destroyed. The Decepticons trash Chicago or something, killing thousands, millions, whatever. The Autobots turn out to be alive, and Optimus reveals... he LET it happen. Why? To prove that the Decepticons were evil... in the name of freedom. Megatron betrays Sentinel Prime after a girl calls him a bitch, and then Optimus repays him by ripping his head off after he offers a truce. There's no way around it. This is a fascist movie.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: -10/10. Optimus is a psychopathtic murderer. Shockwave is some kind of worm master now. Soundwave is just a car. You might say that this makes him more accurate to his G2 incarnation, and if you did say that, I would tell you to shut the fuck up.

Are Their Songs Better?: 0/10. If you told me there was no music in this movie, I would believe you.

Ride or be Ridden: -5/10. Swept up by one of Shockwave's robot sandworms and dragged through Chicago (?).

Overall Score: -45

Verdict: People who claim that Micheal Bay makes good art are simply wrong. It takes more than tapping into the hateful American psyche to make something meaningful and beautiful.

Suggestion: Read the More Than Meets the Eye comic, appreciate the lovely gay relationship that Chromedome and Rewind have. Embrace the beauty and diversity of life.

 

[Clov]

This is the one you were looking forward to us watching next, right?


Transformers Prime: Beast Hunters: Predacons Rising (2013)

Like an oasis in the desert of Micheal Bay's Transformers! Let's see how the season finale to a show I've never watched stacks up!

The Arcee Factor: 10/10. Arcee is in this, and she rules! She has a great voice, and some cool action scenes. For some reason she's blue now instead of pink, as you can see from the toy above. But it's a good look!

Wow Cool Robot: 7/10. Not the best robots, but some of them, like Arcee, are great! Starscream and Shockwave look pretty decent in this too. What's most important is, asides from looking like cool toys, you can actually tell what they're doing in the action scenes, which is a major (and welcome) departure from the Bay films.

The Mystery of Convoy: 6/10. It's not bad! But there's a lot of exposition. Which... we actually kind of need here, because this is a TV movie that serves as a finale to the Transformers Prime TV series. A TV series I haven't watched. I was able to mostly follow what was going on. Unicron's here and possesses Megatron, Optimus goes to get the All-Spark, the Decepticons are plotting, the Autobots have to save the Well of All Sparks or something. Oh, and there's Predacons here too, but none of them are the ones from Beast Wars. It's only a little over an hour, but it honestly feels a bit stretched at times. Not always the most exciting either. But you know what? It's good enough!

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 10/10. It's really just more of the Prime TV show, so it's very faithful to that! And I guess it's faithful to the toys or something. I dunno. There's a few toys from Prime that released as part of the Transformers Legacy toyline (Arcee and Bulkhead) and they look pretty much like they do in this. So that counts for something. Oh, fun fact! The Legacy toy for Arcee was slightly modified and used as toys for Road Rocket and, best of all, Flamewar!

She's so cool!

Are Their Songs Better?: 1/10. Micheal Ironside's voice is music to my ears, but the actual music is iron to my ears.

Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. The Predacons are rising, but I'm stuck on the ground.

Total score: 34

Verdict: Not too shabby! Some great voice acting, neat character designs, but some pacing problems. Maybe I'd like it better if I watched the show.

Suggestion: Imagine if Micheal Ironside played Autobot Ironhide. (????)

I guess there's no more avoiding it... we're going on... to the Age of Extinction... Primus help us all.

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The Transformers: The Age of the Extinction



The car's on fire, and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn
We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death
The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles
It went like this:
The buildings toppled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies
Picked through the rubble
And pulled out their hair
The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze
I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful"
"These are truly the last days"
You grabbed my hand
And we fell into it
Like a daydream
Or a fever
We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of death
I open up my wallet
And it's full of energon

The Arcee Factor:
No girlbots, but this movie is less hateful towards women than previous Bay turds. It is still extremely weird about women.
0/10

Wow Cool Robot:
The robots keep looking worse tbh. Well, maybe they looked worse before, but the dinobots are bad, hound is bad, and mark wahlberg is the worst robot design I've ever seen (what is she smoking???)
-10/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
This movie has 3 main villians (Galvatron, Lockdown, and Frasier "Slideshow Bob" Crane). Optimus Prime brutally murders the latter 2. Galvatron is serching for his seed, but he can't find it and goes home. Optimus Prime wants to kill humans as soon as he wakes up, claims he has sworn to never kill a human, and in the end kills Kelsey Grandma (???). The dinobots are forced to help under penalty of death. They seem to be a complete after thought. Unclear why this movie is called Age of Extinction.
-20/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Who gives a shit. Same as always. Fuck this.
-10/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
Less annoying, but still bad. Im sneepy and drank to many officially licensed Jack and Coke premixed can blarg bah
-10/10

Ride or be Ridden:

0/10

Overall: -50

Verdict: somehow the best Bayformers movie and its still total dogshit. Just a bit less evil.

Suggestion: send me 100 USA dollars.

 

[Clov]

Sigh...
Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

"I'll KILL YOU!" - Optimus Prime

"Go find my seed!" - Galvatron

The Arcee Factor: 0/10. There are no girl robots in this movie, which is probably a good thing because it's WEIRD about women. Like, everyone knows about the "Romeo and Juliet law" scene, which is incredibly uncomfortable, but it's just very weird about Marky Mark's daughter in general. She's a prize to be won by... her father and her boyfriend (an adult). Micheal Bay has some real issues to work through. But anyway, this category is about ROBOT girls specifically, and there's none to be found here. So zero!

Wow Cool Robot: -10/10. The designs are just as bad as ever, some even worse. Drift, who is a pretty cool character from the IDW comics, is now a samurai who speaks in stilted English, for some reason. Galvatron (voiced by Frank Welker this time, who does a better job than Hugo Weaving) still looks like a pile of scrap. Worst of all is Hound, who's like a robot Duck Dynasty guy or something. I think he was in one of the other movies but he's WAY more annoying here. He looks ugly and acts annoying. These robots suck.

The Mystery of Convoy: -20/10. Based off the title, I assumed that the Dinobots were going to be really important, but they're barely in the movie, and only show up for the last part. Kelsey Grammar, turning in a terrible performance, wants to kill all Transformers, and works with a Transformer named Lockdown to achieve this. Galvatron, a reborn Megatron created from Megatron's "evil chromosomes" is obsessed with obtaining his "seed", but doesn't do much of note and just kind of wanders off in the end. There's plenty of focus on Marky Mark being possessive of his daughter, but handing her off to someone else in the end, because girls are ultimately just the property of their fathers and boyfriends or something else insane that Micheal Bay believes. When you see those shots of the American desert wasteland, with some shack with an American flag sticking out of it, you just know Bay is sitting off-camera shouting "This is the REAL America baby!!!"

Oh can we also just mention how insane it is that the first thing Optimus does after waking up is shouting "I'll KILL YOU!" at a bunch of humans, and how he threatens to murder the Dinobots to get them to work with him? Weird stuff.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: -10/10. The movie fundamentally misunderstands Optimus and the Autobots OR Galvatron. Hell, I'd say that this movie doesn't understand human beings in general.

Are Their Songs Better?: -10/10. There's a few needledrops in the movie but they're all pretty awful. Makes me wish I was listening to the Rock Lords song from GoBots.

Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. Tied to Grimlock's (????) tail and dragged across concrete.

Overall Score: -50

Verdict: The only reason this movie is called Age of Extinction is because it proves we deserve to go extinct.

Suggestion: Watch the two part "Desertion of the Dinobots" episode from the original cartoon instead.

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Transformers vs. G.I. Joe: The Movie Adaptation

I know what you're thinking: this a comic, not a movie? Have you lost the plot young lady?

Well, calm down old timer. Unfortunately, the movie this comic is based on is lost media, being purely theoretical in nature. And anyways, how could I not talk about Tom Scioli's Earth shattering comics masterpiece Transformers vs. G.I. Joe?

The idea here is what if that comic was adapted into a movie and that movie was adapted back into a promotional comic.

The answer is that it would totally kick ass.

The Arcee Factor:
Scarlett, who is basically the main character here, becomes Optimus Prime's head and kills Megatron. No Arcee, but that's worth a perfect score in my books
10/10

Wow Cool Robot:
It doesn't get much better than Scioli drawing the Transformers toys in their G1 designs. I would kill for good toys based on his illustrations
10/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
It feels like a perfect summation of a movie that doesn't exist, but if it did it would be the coolest movie ever. There's even fake interviews with the cast and a feature on the special effects in the film. Like an artifact from a cooler reality.
10/10


Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Everything looks like it should, and in many cases better than it ever has.
10/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
Sadly this is a comic and is thus silent. This pains me, but I am mearly passing on the objective truth of the universe.
0/10

Ride or be Ridden: This ride was over too soon, but I'd gladly take it again.
10/10

Overall: 50/60

Verdict: GI Joes aren't as cool as the Transformers, but they're still cool toys

Suggestion: read Tom Scioli comics, demand a sequel to Transformers vs GI Joe

Yo Joe! Transform and roll out!

 

[Clov]

Transformers vs GI Joe: The Movie Adaptation (2017)

Hey! This is a comic book, not a movie!
Oh yeah!? Well, perhaps you were unaware, but given that the original movie is totally lost media, or something, this comic book adaptation is all we have left. So, I'll be reviewing this next!

You can't do this!
Oh yeah!?

The Arcee Factor: 10/10. Now unlike the actual Transformers vs GI Joe comic, The Movie Adaptation sadly does NOT feature Arcee. However, it DOES have the GI Joe girl Scarlett become a Headmaster and control the body of Optimus Prime to defeat Megatron. And THAT is pretty incredible.

Wow Cool Robot: 10/10. The robots here are looking their best! The sketchy style makes them look very toy-like, which is really the ideal for Transformers. Not much else to say here!

The Mystery of Convoy: 10/10. While the comic is sadly an abridged version of the lost film, we can see the broad strokes of everything that happened, and it's exciting! Ancient Decepticon alliances, psychological warfare, father and son conflict, and even a human and robot love story. It's got everything! There's even a look behind the scenes of the film with the cast and crew, including the suit actor for Optimus!

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 10/10. All the Transformers and all the GI Joes look exactly as they should. The film appears to have been a love letter to the dedicated fans of both franchises, and of the old comics.

Are Their Songs Better?: 0/10. It's sad, but given that the original film is lost, and a comic obviously can't have music, I have no choice but to give it a zero. I'm sure the soundtrack WOULD have been great, but alas...

Ride or be Ridden: 10/10. Stand aside Scarlett, I'm piloting Optimus now!

Total Score: 50

Verdict: A perfect little story for fans of either franchises. Funny in concept, extremely well done in execution.

Suggestion: Even if you don't care about GI Joe, just pick up and read Transformers vs GI Joe in any way that you can. It's a fantastic ride all the way through!

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Transformers: The Last Knight



Well I'll be double damn dog shit dipped, this is far and away the best of the bayformers (2/5 on the "real" scale). It doesn't hate women or minorities. It is merely a mediocre piece of dreck (a huge improvement on the way things used to be).

The Arcee Factor:
The Quintesen is a gatekeep gaslight girlboss who unlocks Movie Optopiss Slime's true shithead nature, only to be defeated by Marky "Hate Crime" Mark. God forbid a woman do anything.
5/10

Wow Cool Robot:
The baby dinobots (Dean "Deno" Martin (Denobot=Dinobots (Martin and Lewis (Jerry Lewis (Phos' Jerry Lewis Quest to continue??? (Mr. Police, I gave you all the clues))))) are cute. Cogman is gay.
1/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
King Arthur and the TRANSformers. Optishit Crim is a huge asshole. I don't know, who cares. The begining of the movies is Spielberg kids on bikes shit, but it gets bored and than Marky "I should be in prison for murdering someone" Mark show up and they don't matter. British people apparently exist in this universe and a british woman is the "new" merlin, but I forgot if that acually matters.
1/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk what the fuckkkkkkkk.
-10/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
I don't even know. Its music.
0/10

Ride or be Ridden: All aboard me.
0/10

Overall: -3/10

Verdict: I WILL kill you!

Suggestion: ALL SONS OF OLD GODS DIE!

 

[Clov]

At last... it's almost over...

Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)

The Arcee Factor: 5/10. I know! This is the first positive rating I've given one of these Bay movies. But this movie is surprisingly not even close to being as bad or weird about women as the other Bay films. On top of just treating women like normal characters rather than objects to be won or impediments to men, there's actually a girl robot in this movie who's not treated all that badly! She's the main villain, Quintesson, who's based off completely unrelated aliens from the cartoon. She's a girlboss who wants to kill Unicron (who's also the planet Earth?) to fix Cybertron or something, but who can blame her? Anyway she needed to be in more of the movie. She only shows up a few times, sadly enough.

Wow Cool Robot: -10/10. Sorry, but the robots still just look awful. They introduce a bunch of new, awful looking Decepticons, and kill off a bunch of them minutes later, because they have toys to sell and Anthony Hopkins to film, but they look bad! Hound is still here and sucks, Drift is still here with all the issues of the last movie. Worst of all one of those horrible little guys from the third movie is here. Don't know his name and don't care, he belongs in the trash.

The Mystery of Convoy: 0/10. Something about Merlin's staff, Megatron's serving a girlboss to get her staff, Hot Rod is French, Transformers in WWII? A watch Transformer killed Hitler, that's cool! Anthony Hopkins has a gay robot butler. There's a lot happening in this movie and not all of it comes together very well. Optimus gets brainwashed but honestly, he just seems like he always does in these Bay films, a murderous asshole. Anyway, I think Quintesson should have drained the Earth's energy, she was cool. Some British lady stole her staff or something.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: -10/10. Well, none of the characters are really faithful to the franchise. Quintesson doesn't have multiple faces like the aliens in the show, Hot Rod isn't French... but I actually don't mind French Hot Rod that much. It's pretty silly. Anyway I don't believe Megatron would serve Quintesson without an ulterior motive or something. It's really just as bad as the other Bay films here.

Are Their Songs Better?: 0/10. Absolutely nothing memorable. I guess that's better than having Holding Out for a Hero in your movie, at least.

Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. The Knights of Cybertron combine to make a King Ghidorah robot dragon, and I'm being dragged off into the stratosphere with it..

Total Score: -15

Verdict: Not nearly as bad as the other Bay films. Not good, but honestly enjoyable in some ways. Far less hateful, far more silly.

Suggestion: Be thankful that we're finally through the Bay films, and if you can't help it, don't watch ANY of them.

It's over... the Bay films are finished, and we're almost done our appraisal. Our journey nears its end...

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The Bumblebee

The Arcee Factor:
Arcee is here, she's cool, and the main villian is a gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss girlbot. The main human is a girl too. Let's hear it for the girls folks!
10/10

Wow Cool Robot:
Hmmmm, a damn bit better than bays baleful bm bot buttholes. Wish their faces weren't that way but Soundwave, Shockwave, and Ravagewave wave hello to being good designs and Bumblebee is a beetle and you better believe it butterball. Nothing to see here folks, move along.
7/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
I like and care about these characters. Thats the Nazo to making a good script the "easy" way. Real Critter vibes from this one folks. No fucking way this ties into the last 5 movies.
8/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Everyone is the right colors. The toys they made for this, especially the Studio Series Soundwave, actually look cool. Sorry folks, I'm a sniveling Soundwave simp simply insufficient in shame.
9/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
Bumblebee said fuck Morrissey. Folks, if that doesn't take courage, I know what does and its not including a fucking "remember the 80s" needle drop every 3 minutes. I don't remember the 80s. Time to die oldman. I like some of these songs at least. Wish Morrissey wasn't a fascist. That's awfully Decepticon* of him.
*Deceptive Con Artist -Smilin' Stan
5/10

Ride or be Ridden:
A cool ride, folks! Only and hour 50. Cool and easy!
10/10

Overall: 49

Verdict: The Iron Giant but it doesn't suck

Suggestion: don't watch every Transformers movie

 

[Clov]

Well, it's finally time! To finish this thread for now. The last Transformers movie as of this writing, is...

Bumblebee (2018)

The Arcee Factor: 10/10. As you can see above, Arcee is in this! And she looks very cool! Sadly she's only there briefly in the beginning, but thankfully the film more than makes up for it with its main antagonist, Shatter. Shatter is a girlboss on a mission to kill the Autobots and bring the Decepticons to Earth, and who am I to question her? She's an original character made for this film... sort of! You see, in early planning from the film, Shatter was named Fracture, and Fracture was a character from the comics based on the Bay films... who was in fact, Crasher, the GoBot, with her name changed for trademark reasons! Those tgirl vibes Shatter was giving off? Not a coincidence! We've come full circle!

Wow Cool Robot: 7/10. Most of the robots look very, very good! Unlike the Bay films, where the robots look like hideous metal husks, the robots in Bumblebee strike a good balance between cool toys and real war machines. Many characters get designs that resemble their old toy-like selves, but updated in a way that still makes them look good. Soundwave and Ravage are standouts here, but I also gotta give a shout-out to Shockwave's brief appearance!

The Mystery of Convoy: 8/10. Bumblebee is a simple story about a girl and her cool robot friend. It's like if the Iron Giant had way more cool toys. The Autobots are losing the war on Cybertron, Bumblebee hides out on Earth, becomes friends with a girl, and then two Decepticons, Shatter and Dropkick, team up with John Cena's US military to hunt him down. The story is straightforward, but very enjoyable. The pacing is excellent; at an hour 50, it's the shortest of the live action films. An absolute breath of fresh air compared to the over-stuffed Bay films, and for once it doesn't worship the US military! What's even better, is that this movie doesn't seem to even be in the same continuity as the Bay films, since The Last Knight establishes that Bumblebee was on Earth during WWII, while this places his first arrival in the 1980s. The movie actually makes you care about the stakes for once! All in all, good fun!

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 9/10. As mentioned before, while the characters look updated, they still look great! Optimus, in his few appearances, acts like a hero instead of a murderous psychopath. It manages to do its own take on the franchise while still clearly caring and respecting the original incarnation. The action scenes here are very legible and exciting, whereas in the 5 Bay films they're blurry and difficult to parse. I only wish that Shatter's face was a little less like the robots in the Bay films, but that's just nit-picking.

Are Their Songs Better?: 6/10. Do YOU like NEEDLEDROPS? Do YOU want to REMEMBER the 80s??? Well I got the movie for you! The songs here are mostly fun, but the needledrops do get a bit tiresome after the 7th one or so.

Ride or be Ridden: 10/10. Hitched a ride on Ravage to fight in the war on Cybertron.

Overall Score: 50

Verdict: The best live action Transformers film by far! Great designs, fun setpieces, Yeag Girls, what more could anyone want?

Suggestion: Hope that Rise of the Beasties (as it's called in Canada) doesn't jinx it!

Well, that's it everyone! We've watched every Transformers film. Now it's time for us to look back and rank them-

Wait. What's this? There's something else we have to watch? What could it be!?

Who's this nice young woman? Jem? And her Holograms? That's right! We still have to watch Jem and the Holograms, Season 2 Episode 23! Truly outrageous!

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The Jem and Her Holograms: The Journey Through Time

I can't believe Johnny Beldrix is in this

The Arcee Factor:
A hologram is a robot. A computer is a robot. They're all do the being girls. You do the math!!!
10/10


Wow Cool Robot:
Is a truck a robot? No. Is a Jem a Robot? Am I? The Robot Ate Me was a good band that no one has ever heard of.
3/10


The Mystery of Convoy:
Is that Truck Oprimis Prune???? A mystery..................of Convoy!?!?!?!

You Got the Touch!
10/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Optimus is orange! Ehat the fuck!?
0/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
These songs totally suck shit.
10/10

Ride or be Ridden:
I'm riding orangr optimus to the bank...the blood bank!!!
10/10

Overall: 43

Verdict: Ben Tiller, Johnny Bendrix, Elvis! Lets burn rubber baby!!!!!!

Suggestion: make more characters orange!!!

 

[Clov]

Jem and the Holograms (Season 2 Episode 23) Journey Through Time (1988)

So it's come to this! Jem and her Holograms.

Hey! This isn't Transformers at all!
Shut up! Optimus Prime is in this!

Look, it's Optimus! So what if he's orange!!

You can't do this!!!
Shut up!!!

The Arcee Factor: 10/10. So, Jem and her gal pals use robot powers to make costumes! That's cool! But also there's a computer girl named Synergy who's like, their manager and makes holograms or something. Very cool!

Wow Cool Robot: 5/10. So, uh... Optimus is here. Synergy is... a computer. Uh, this kind of counts. Hm.

The Mystery of Convoy: 8/10. Jem gets sent back through time by the Misfits (whose songs are better!). Jem in Vienna! Jem in WWII! Jem at Woodstock! Jem domination!!!! It ends with the Misfits almost killing a man by sending him to the dinosaurs

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 0/10. Optimus is orange for some reason

Are Their Songs Better?: 10/10. The Misfits songs are better even though they don't play, also Jimmy Hendrix (named Johnny Beldrix????) shows up???? Wow

Ride or be Ridden: 10/10. Surfin through time on Orange Optimus baby!!!!!

Overall Score: 43

Verdict: Fashion and fame! Jem is Truly Outrageous!

Suggestion: Read the IDW Jem and the Holograms comics, they're gay and trans!

And that's a wrap! I hope you've all enjoyed our look through time, through space, beyond good, beyond evil, beyond your wildest imagination! An objective look through ALL Transformers cinema! We're going to go watch Killer Klowns from Outer Space now, so we're going to have to look back at our prior rankings later. And then, we'll play the waiting game... for Rise of the Beasties is almost at hand...!

 

[Clov]

Well, we're back at it again! It's time for us to take a look at the newest entry in the Transformers cinematic canon, one inspired by Beast Wars, my favorite childhood toy commercial! I'm very optimistic about this one, while Phos remains skeptical, a doubting Doubtatron. Who will vindicated? Who will be punished and reviled for all time in the ring of honour? Let's find out, with our viewing of...

Transformers: Rise of the Beasts (2023)

The Arcee Factor: 10/10. A movie with Arcee, Airrazor, AND Nightbird? Hard to go wrong with that! And there's plenty of them throughout the whole movie. They're really fun anytime they're on screen. It kind of looked like Arcee mouths "holy fuck" in that one car chase scene, which is cool. But you know what's coolest of all? Nightbird is voiced by a trans woman! Yeag Girls just keep winning tonight!

Wow Cool Robot: 5/10. So, this is a really mixed bag! You have designs like Arcee, that look very similar to the original incarnation, and look great! There's some like Nightbird, that are totally different, but look really cool! And then there's ones like Stratosphere, which just reek of the Bay stink. Really divided in this category. But what really, really disappoints me here? We never get to see Airrazor transform! Come on! Her robot form in Beast Wars was so cool! You can't do this to me!

The Mystery of Convoy: 4/10. So, Unicron is here! And Scourge (of all characters) is the main villain who's out to summon him with some wrecking ball guy and Nightbird! There's some guy who has a sick little brother and who helps out the Autobots to get cash. It's very cool that a bunch of cops get killed chasing Mirage. Sadly the story is pretty generic here. They're just trying to get a key or something. Not that interesting. And where are the Predacons???? You bring in the Maximals, and have them fight... the Terrorcons, who are totally different from the Terrorcons in the original? Nothing that great here sadly. Better than any of the Bay movies at least, but it feels like it lacks the heart that Bumblebee had. Pretty funny final scene in this one.

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 5/10. Another mixed bag. Some characters are very faithful to the original, like Optimus and Arcee. Others, like Scourge and Nightbird, are big departures to varying extents. Scourge is basically a new character, having little to do with the original character in the 1986 film. or the toy that's just a recolor of Optimus. Wheeljack is completely different as well, though he doesn't matter that much in the movie. Overall not BAD, but I wish they got rid of some of the overarticulation that plagues the designs of these films.

Are Their Songs Better?: 5/10. The needledrops are not as frequent as Bumblebee! What's here is alright. Plenty of 90s rap. A lot better than any of the needledrops in the Bay films, and less annoying than Bumblebee.

Ride or be Ridden: 0/10. I was really hoping I'd be riding this one, but I think in the end I'm being trampled by a Maximal stampede.

Overall Score: 29

Verdict: A land of contrasts! As much as I love and appreciate the triple threat of Arcee, Airrazor, and Nightbird, most of this movie is merely okay.

Suggestion: For more Premium Yeag Girl content, read the Transformers: Lost Light comic! It's got these two trans lesbian robots named Anode and Lug who are everything to me

And now, we're really at the end of our Transformers cinematic journey! Hope you enjoyed the ride! I'll be looking back and ranking everything later. But we won't be out of the game for long. Next year, a new animated Transformers movie is getting released! It's called Transformers One, it takes place on Cybertron, Elita-1 is there or something. We're honour bound to review that as well once it releases, so look forward to it!

Oh, and seeing as Phos considers the movie "bad" and I consider it "okay", it looks like NOBODY is getting punished and reviled for all time. Better luck next time, sickos!

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The Arcee Factor: 10/10

Arcee and all her girlfriends are here and they're all yeag girls.


Wow Cool Robot: 5/10

Half the robots look like shit and the other half look like idiots. Arcee and Nightbird save this movie. Fr, they look pretty cool compared to that bayshit. There's this dumbass scottish stereotype pilot. No tha ks!


The Mystery of Convoy: 2/10

Unicron hell yeag! Transparent space crystal that generates portal? Sentimental human story about dying kid brother? Uh ohhhh! Plot doesn't really start till an hour in. The human cast is pretty bad.


Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 5/10

Most of the robots look ok (oll korrect) but wheeljack(off) is some kind of nerd, optimus is a sad old man, scourge is a big stinky bug man. I dunno, you decide.


Are Their Songs Better?: 4/10

Some good 90s rap needle drops, but mostly generic. When they go to peru they play the most stereotypical peru music imaginable. There's no reason for this movie to take place in the 90s btw.


Ride or be Ridden: 0/10

I feel like a gobot made for other gobots to ride at this point.

Final Score: 26/60

Verdict: This is the Vanquish movie.

Suggestion: Just read the Transformers comics and buy the toys. No other TF media lives up to those tbh

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Transformers Prime Beast Hunters: Predacons Rising

Jim Morrison Voice: Predacons risin'!

The Arcee Factor:
She's in this and she's blue! Thats pretty neat! Wow!
10/10

Wow Cool Robot:
These robots look okay. Way the hell better than the Bay films, even though some of them are clearly based on the Bay designs (esp Megatron) they are much cleaner and more appealing. Shockwave looks pretty cool, maybe my favorite design here. The Predacons looked stupid.
7/10


The Mystery of Convoy:
I have never seen an episode of the Primes series, but I had no problem following this, even if I found it dull and padded out. The Predacon stuff felt a little tacked on despite being in the title. Obviously 3 episodes stitched together, which probably accounts for the weird pacing.
6/10


Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Arcee is blue and Starscream is gray!? I assume this looks exactly like the show it the finale of so, uh, guess it gets a perfect score. Sorry folks, I don't make the rules (I do in fact make the rules).
10/10


Are Their Songs Better?:
If you told me this had no music I would have no way to prove you wrong.
0/10


Ride or be Ridden:
This truck is idealing. Can't get the car started guess it'll have to drive me.
0/10

Overall: 33

Verdict: this show has an amazing cast. Jeffrey Combs especially as Ratchet.

Suggestion: Double feature with Orson Welles' Macbeth (The Scottish Play) for more vaguely Scottish Welles voice.