Godspeed you two! You are braver people than I am.
As for the movies, as someone who loves Transformers, all of these movies are etched into my brain. And yes, I read about the Legacy toyline, (better yet, I just completed my Legacy Menasor!) but there is the Studio Series '86 line which is great too! I'll add a picture of the dudes I have. Plus I can confirm, Rumble is blue. It says so on the packaging!
I'll just throw in a mega post now.
Transformers: The Movie (1986)
This movie debuted a few months before I was born, so in the year of our Primus 1991 a wide-eyed little boy of just six years old finally saw the Transformers movie. And while my young child brain understood that something happened prior to season 3 of the show, I was not ready for the absolute massacre that was the first twenty-five minutes of the movie. A planet eating destroyer causing mass genocide? It was disturbing. The Decepticons tearing down the Autobot ship, straight up murdering my favourite characters? What the hell. Megatron shoots Ironhide in the face. POINT BLANC. WITH HIS FUSION CANON
. After we get a full on war where the Cons are a ruthless bunch of fuckers and go off killing Wheeljack of screen. The hell is this? My mind broke when Optimus died. This is where my innocence kind of died too.
In the end, Transformers is a cynical cashgrab, but its one movie I will always talk about as it learned me a very important lesson; your heroes will die. It hurts.
BUT THEN HE RETURNS IN THE SERIES YEEAAAAAH ROBO-JESUS
As a kid it was bizarre to see Megatron surviving; "HOW DOES HE GET TO LIVE". As an adult you see that scene and it's one of the greats; a despot clinging to his life and signing a deal with the devil just to survive. But hey who is Cyclonus Thundercracker or Bombsh- SHUT IT. The rest of the movie is a fun space adventure movie with old man Kupp, the Dinobots showing the first signs of being turned into comic relief (poor Grimlock), Hot Rod... well, we all have an opinion on Hot Rod, we have a lady Transformer, finding friend and looking behind... and hey, it's Mr. Spock as Galvatron? That's cool. Dunno who this Orson Welles fellow is though, as my kid self would say back in the day. I didn't have internet back then, don't sue me.
These days I will consider the movie a classic. 8/10 would buy the toys and I wished I could time travel and tell Hasbro they're morons
My favourite robots in disguise will get a movie franchise!? Oh YEAH! When I finally saw the movie, I mostly said "Oh no". Let me start by saying, I really really really really really dislike Shia. I can't help it. It also does not help that Michael Bay directed this movie. So the first part of the movie its about Shia being a kid who gets what he wants (with some annoying ass parents) and his car turns out to be Bumblebee. Why are you acting like a scared child and run around like a chicken without a head? And oh, when Bumblebee finally transforms, why is he so ugly? Let me be fair, the movie isn't offensively bad. For 2007 it has some amazing CGI (the transformations are aces) and the action scenes are actually alright.
But you what ruined the movie for me? The fact when Simmons shows up with Sector 7 and Bumblebee starts pissing on the guy. And I hear Peter Cullen, the man, the myth, the legend, telling his soldier that "he should stop lubricating on the man". Why? Why? Why why why why? Afterwards the movie devolves into a screaming contest and the usual military porn Bay is famous is for. I was disappointed, that's what I remember the most. Maybe the next movie will be better?
Oh if I could pat my 20 year old self on the head and tell him, "Ha ha! NO!"
5,5 out of ten parts of Jazz
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Now this... this movie made my blood boil. If I were to make a list of worst movies ever, this would be the one right there in my top ten. I just read a very passionate, absolutely firey claim that the sequel to this movie is the spawn of satan. I beg to differ. It's close, not gonna argue, but this? This is even worse. Yeah okay I guess the forest fight is okay-ish. But everything else? They somehow made Shia even more unlikable. Even more. How is that humanly possible? I imagine Michael Bay and his writing staff sitting in a big meeting room, asking themselves, what can we do to make these human characters even worse? Let them yell even more. When they talk, let them say the stupidest shit. Actually, who needs a script anyway? Just put a camera in front of them and let them just frothe at the mouth. I mean, people don't care, they just want to see transforming robots!
Well, after these very sexualized shots of Megan Fox ofcourse. I mean, who doesn't like slightly bad girls with skimpy clothes? And if it doesn't connect, just let one of the little bots ride her leg. Even as someone who appreciates the beauty of women (sorry for liking girls) this, you now, I find, just ugh.
Oh wait the movie itself? Well, terrible script, nonsensical plot, even worse Transformers designs if that's even possible; who ever thought that racist twins are funny? Who? Did you test this in front of a delegation of Klan members? I guess they did. Jetfire is an old man who farts. What's wrong about an old man farting? Because he is a transformer. It doesn't make sense. Yeah okay transforming robots from the planet Cybertron aren't actually realistic, but you know, go with the flow. Thinking about the plot... there wasn't. Well barely. The only things from the script I remember are John Turtorro, who is actually more obnoxious in this film than the original, telling that he's beneath the Constructicons scrotum and Optimus turning into a full murderbot yelling to give him your face. And everything ends with a Linkin Park song as per usual.
Two Constructicon testies of ten wreckin'balls.
Transformers Dark of the Moon
I mean, the last movie is taking liberties with world history. The moon landing? Yeah we actually saw a space ship so that's the real reason behind it. Ooooh what an ingenious plot! You know what's even more unbelievable? Shia's character landing another girlfriend that would never, every have a passing interest in his scrawny ass. And the kicker? Bay being a petty kid by calling out Fox in the movie. Jesus Bay, stop being such a douche.
Oh the plot? Well, I mean, it's somewhat more understandable and there compared to the previous one. Still, can anybody explain me why they cast Dempsey as the villain? I mean, he just did not fit in. Like at all. I mean, what the hell. Why are the bots again so terrible. Why is everything so bad. Why is Sentinel worse. Why is Megatron such a little bitch? This movie is a big nothing burger. Well they kill of Ironhide. Poor Ironhide.
Three electricuted Patrick Dempsey's out of ten Dempsey BBQ's
Transformers: Age of Extinction
Well... when you think things couldnt get any worse. They trott out Marky Mark. Damn you to hell Bay. Damn. You. To. Hell.
And this movie is even worse at times. It starts with Optimus being all shot up (I guess I like that he transforms in his original form) and everything devolves from there. Humans hunting Cybertronians is weird to see, but them being stone cold killers when Autobots are pleading for their life is disgusting. I kind of like the concept of Lockdown and hey, they kill of the annoying human character with acutal fire, well, that's actually a hopeful beginning.
Shame that the slivers of hope get crushed right away when one of the few actually good aspects of the series, the transforming, gets a budget cut and the evil manmade Transformers change forms like they are cybernetic diarea. Again, I don't get it. Anyway, the movie gets worse, even with the introduction of the Dinobots. The freaking Dinobots man. They fucked up Grimlock and the gang. That's an incredible feat, a terrible feat, but uncredible nonetheless.
Oh at the end Optimus flies off into space. Cool.
2,5 cybernetic diarea out of ten puddles of diarea
Transformers: The Last Knight
Again... Marky Mark. And hey, you know continuity? Hahahahaha, yeah not gonna do that. So everything in earths history is because of Cybertron. Please listen to this nice British person played by Anthony Hopkins and his passive agressive somewhat senile robot butler called Cogman. You know, I'm pretty sure the scriptwriters saw this idea on paper and thought "PERFECT".
The leading lady was actually kind of nice. Yes the usual super attractive one, but not as hopeless as the other ones, so, yay, progress I guess? Btw did you know that Bee and Hot Rod actually fought in WW II? It completely contradicts the original movie, but hey who cares? ACTION. EXPLOSIONS. UNICRON? Really? ooooooh its only half assed. Prime becoming a true murder bot. Megatron and his goon squad. (Don't worry Nitro Zeus, you I kind of like. You said hi to that one guys wife!) In the end, its even more nonsense, but I guess Bay didn't want to hide it anymore.
Three badly written Marky Mark films out ten.
Oh come on when- wait, this movie isn't done by Bay? The Transformers designs actually resemble... Transformers? Human characters who don't suck? Who are you, you wonderful man? You even gave us a glimpse of G1 inspired Cybertron? Praise the Oracle, you are now a saint in the realm of Transformers!
All jokes aside, Bumblebee is a fun coming of age story where Hailee Steinfeld is lovely, the supporting cast pretty cool (Pamela Adlon is cool and even John CEEEEENNAAAA is actually pretty nice) and well, its a very lowkey movie. I like it, Bumbleebee transforms into a Volkswagen Beetle which is rad as fuck and its a fun ride. Doesn't reinvent the wheel, but within in the Transformers franchise, its a masterpiece.
So yeah, Seven Beetles ouf of ten