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Film Mario Movie Madness Marathon |ST| An Objective Analysis of the Cinematic Works of Super Mario

Clov

An ethernet cable girlfriend
Pronouns
She/Her
Welcome, one and all, to the Mario Movie Madness Marathon! With the new Mario movie finally releasing in Japan, it’s time to take a trip down Mario cinematic history. Together with the lovely as always @Phosphorescent Skeleton , we’ll be watching all three Mario movies in a row, to see how they stack up next to each other.

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Why are you doing this?

You got a lot of nerve asking that question. But in any case... It’s often been said that people who don’t like the new Mario movie are the critics, living in their ivory towers, too sophisticated and high brow for all of the fun the Mushroom Kingdom can provide. That’s where Phos and I come in; two common women, the raw public. We’re among the biggest Mario fans around (having played every Mario game). It’s time for us to make a definitive judgment on the Mario cinematic canon. Of course, we won’t be rating these films the way those snobbish film critics do; as women of the people, the raw, unwashed public, we understand that in order to truly judge these Mario films, we need to do so in the most relevant categories for them. The categories which we will judge the merit of these films by (on a scale of 0-10) are as follows:

Luigi Rating (AKA The Brothers Factor): Fundamentally, the Mario series is about the bond between two brothers (Mario and Luigi). Ergo, a successful adaptation of the Mario games must prominently feature a brotherly bond between the two plumbers.

Princess Power: Princess Peach is one of the foremost stars of the Mario saga, having starred in a game made by Japan’s most prolific developer, Tose. Any good Mario adaptation needs to treat its princess with the proper respect and gravitas that she deserves!

Brand Loyalty: Mario is a franchise owned by a massive corporation (Nintendo). Any successful Mario movie must show its deference to its corporate masters. Also, any deviation from the source material is a personal knife in the back of Mario’s legions of loyal shroom-heads.

Is This a Game?: The mediums of video games and movies are fundamentally different. Therefore a successful Mario movie cannot be a video game.

Too Many Levels?: Mario, as a game series, always has the perfect amount of content. Not too much leaving you bored, not too little to leave you dissatisfied. A successful Mario movie needs to be the right length to match the perfect pacing of the games.

Did They Find Alpha Trion?: Self-explanatory.

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What are the three Mario movies you will be marathoning?

We will begin with the 1986 animated classic, Super Mario Bros: The Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach. From there we will move to 1993’s legendary live action feature, Super Mario Bros. We will conclude our adventure at the cinema with 2023’s up and comer The Super Mario Bros The Movie.

How will you make it through such a harrowing ordeal?

Thankfully, Phos and I will have help on our journey.

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We will continue to receive such aid at the cinema at great expense.

With that, we’re off to start our Mario cinematic adventure! Please keep in mind that all opinions posted by Phos and I are completely objective, divorced from our own bias, and should be treated as such. We will broker no argument. Our words are merely carving the man from within the marble.

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"Let’s a go!" - Bob "The Boss" Hoskins
 
This movie was made by Shochiku, probably most famous for the films of Yasujiro Ozu. They are also responsible for the Incredibly popular, 50 film Tora-san series, a particular favorite of mine...is what I would say if I was a film critic egghead!

Mario wahoo!!
 
0
Mario is about one thing
Rock and or roll

Blue Luigi just like blue bowser...

Marios famous dog made of orbs

The vast billboard filled deserts of italy...

Luigi fell into the springfield mystery spot

This movie sucks
 
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I also sparkle when I sleep just like this

I forgot that this has some kind of rockin' theme song and that Mario works at a grocery store

Phos edit your posts, you're not even drunk


Edit: I love how they play the theme song like twice in a few minutes. I also love seeing Luigi visit the Springfield mystery spot
 
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This has the same plot as the game.

They keep playing the theme song about rock n roll!

I appreciate a the psychedelic visual style, at least feels true to the early spirit of the game. Also the enemies are super on model....do I smell brand loyalty???

Dog bites luigi
 
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I will be following this. I uh, didn't even know that first Mario movie existed. So I particularly look forward to your reviews representing 100% of my knowledge of the film!


I've got the Mario Fever
Hope you've got it too
Pour me some bubbly, now it's
All you gotta do

It's Christmas for the Mushroom Kingdom
The Mario Movies
Pop up some popcorn
Welcome come with me

Who's gonna win
Who's gonna lose it

I've got the Mario Fever
Hope you've got it too

Who -

Who's gonna win
Who's gonna lose
I got the -
 
Did this movie originate the joke of the brothers getting high off mushrooms?

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He keeps giving Luigi different mushrooms that make him laugh, cry, or get angry. Then a giant paratroopa captures them.

Love the use of sound effects from the games, like how they play jumping noises when Mario runs.
 
0
Lady Kinopio has yeag girl energy. Estrogen is the strongest power up.

There's a lot of music montages in this

It's true! Just look at her

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She wears cat ear headphones, drinks Monster, and plays PC Engine on stream

And seriously, there's so many insert songs that just blend together. It's a bit annoying

Not much is happening in this movie, and yet things just keep happening, huh
 
It was nice seeing Peach at least try to trick Bowser and escape, though of course it doesn't work out and she has to wait for Mario to show up.

Finally they're back to finding the power-ups! ...why can't Luigi swim? He CAN swim in the games... hm...

It's gonna be a tough night, isn't it...?
 
0
...was picking up and throwing Bowser by his tail in Mario 64 inspired by this movie???
 
0
Luigi Rating (AKA The Brothers Factor): Mario and his favorite blue brother are equal in all things here. In their foibles, their triumph, their eventual frustration at the hands of a god damn dog that probably doesn't even eat god damn avocados. They are essentially the same person, leaving little room for brotherly bonding. Mores the pitty
7/10

Princess Power: The big B (bowser) kidnaps ol Peachy not for her magic power or what ever the hell the games are about, but to marry. She is merely a damsel to give a quest to our wayward brothers, and ends up married to a dog!
3/10

Brand Loyalty: The enemies look on model and there's plenty of Koji Kondo Block Rockin' Beats, but many of the characters look and act weird. I don't remember Bowser Shape Shiffting Or Peach Marrying a God Damn Hound! Some changes are welcome (lesbian toad, "bluigi") However, the loyalty to the makers of Mario Ramen and Mario Furikake is beyond rebuke.
6/10

Is This a Game?: Well, I wasn't having any fun! 10/10

Too Many Levels?: If a musical montage is a level, yes.
0/10

Did They Find Alpha Trion?: Not this time....
0/10

Overall score 26 out of You Do The Math!
 
Oh hey, it's the movie where Mario gets cucked by the dog, who turns out to be a prince that looks like he has a doorknob for a nose.
 
So the weird dog they had was a prince, who goes off with Peach. There's a post credits scene that reveals Bowser is now working at a grocery store, and much like the film's spiritual successor, Tetsuo The Iron Man, it ends with "Game Over."

Now, it's time to put my personal feelings on the film aside, and measure it objectively.

Luigi Rating (AKA The Brothers Factor): 7/10. Luigi features prominently in the film, however the bond between him and his brother is one of many things that are not a focus. There's no indication that Mario cares about him any more than the dog.

Princess Power: 4/10. Peach is clever and resourceful, attempting to fight back against Bowser and trick him... but ultimately her attempts fail. She can only wait for, and cheer on, Mario. I don't feel this paints a very flattering portrait of the princess. Much of this could have been remedied if she just dated that tall tgirl (Toad Girl) instead.

Brand Loyalty: 5/10. In one sense, this film is incredibly loyal to the Mario brand. It uses some music straight from the game, and features some very direct advertisement for contemporary Mario licensed goods such as Mario Ramen and Mario Furikake. And yet... Mario makes jump noises while RUNNING? I can feel my heart breaking into thousands of little pieces... And what's this about a "Flower Kingdom"!? Nothing short of a jab in the eye.

Is This a Game?: 3/10. There's a late sequence in the film where you see Mario and Luigi jumping from a side-scrolling perspective while underground. Despite the filmmakers attempt to obfuscate this by utilizing slideshow-esque limited animation, I could clearly tell it was a video game. What were they thinking???

Too Many Levels?: 4/10. It's only an hour long, which sounds good on paper. And yet there's so many musical sequences that really feel like they're dragging. I've seen someone beat Mario 1 in five minutes! The pacing here isn't even CLOSE to being that tight.

Did They Find Alpha Trion?: 0/10. I feel like they didn't even try.

Score: 23

Time to start the next step on our Mario cinematic journey... a 90s classic, remembered and known about by all. A true cinematic classic which Phos and I keep in a place of honor...

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It's time for Super Mario Bros...
 
What if the dinosaurs didn't die!!!!!!!!

I forgot that this movies opens with a weird unhinged monologue positing increasingly unlikely what-if scenarios at us

I mean, I dunno, what if!? How should anyone reasonably know that. How can you ask me this question
 
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Just like in the games!

Did the people call both Mario and the Scapellis? Does plumbing work like a race, where whoever gets there first gets to work??
 
It really has to be seen to be believed how drunk Bob Hoskins is


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0
I'm so glad that this movie gives an origin for why the Mario Bros can jump. Would be confusing otherwise

"You know the law, Toad!!!"

Mario Mario is canon btw
 
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If there's one thing kids like, it's germaphobic Dennis Hopper

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Oh right the old animated movie from 1986! I remember watching it on Youtube with no subtitles when I was like, 12.

I was so confused when the prince showed up at the end.
 
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Oh right the old animared movie from 1986! I remember watching it on Youtube with no subtitles when I was like, 11.

I remember being so confused when the prince showed up at the end.

It IS really confusing! One of the few original characters. It's weird!

Meanwhile in Super Mario Bros...

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Just like in the games!!

Spike and his buddy are written the way that dumb people think smart people sound

Yoshi's actually a pretty good animatronic! Or maybe not. Can't really tell

I wish I was as drunk as Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo
 
Jean Rollin's Super Mario Bros.

gay

Also I just realized, are those gas mask guys supposed to be Shy Guys?

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This place looks great, clearly some kind of gay bar. Great vibes frfr

Everyone Walk the Dinosaur!!!!!

Looking forward to see him again in the Illumination's Mario movie 5 for the sole purpose of shoehorning a love triangle.

They should use Maple from Mario Golf instead
 
Kids love to see Yoshi get stabbed and squeal in agony

"A dancing lizard, a dancing crocodile" what the hell are you on about Mario
 
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They're just a funny little guy!

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The Abyss (James Cameron, 1989)
 
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Terminator 2: Judgment Day (James Cameron, 1991)

Now, time to evaluate this latest Mario cinematic classic...

Luigi Rating (AKA The Brothers Factor): 3/10. There's actually a big focus on Mario and Luigi's bond! However, there's a major problem here. Mario and Luigi are supposed to be brothers. However, in this film, Mario is quite CLEARLY Luigi's father instead. I have to give it some points for having a bond in the first place, but it's simply all wrong.

Princess Power: 4/10. Princess Daisy is very important in the story. But she doesn't really do much. At least, I don't remember her doing much. They should have made a movie about Daisy gunning down Goombas like a Terminator or something. She looks like she's ready to do that in the ending! She should hang out at Bertha's gay bar

Brand Loyalty: 0/10. This has such little in common with the Mario game franchise, that there's no other explanation other than that the filmmakers had a personal grudge against all loyal Mario Monks. This film represents a powerful attack on the psyche of all Mario fans...

Is This a Game?: 10/10. By NO means is this a video game. Cinematic all the way through.

Too Many Levels?: 6/10. Longer than the last film, but somehow it felt much shorter? Maybe I can just tolerate this much better the more alcohol is in my system

Did They Find Alpha Trion?: 0/10 Neither hide nor hair of Alpha Trion in this motion picture

Final score: 23

Now, before we embark on our final Mario cinematic adventure, can we just appreciate this Blu Ray Menu????


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