Yeah I've fallen victim to the mixing up of creativity and capitalism a bunch. Not being afraid to share because of that link but being afraid to even
do. I've left so many dreams and hobbies and loves behind because at some point my brain went "ah dang, gotta make money now though" and being in a rural area there just weren't opportunities to turn creative endeavors into careers so "job" came first and "hobby" fell by the wayside.
I decided that I'd be able to pick any of my loves back up once I got a "real" career and solid footing under me so I tried hard to do that, and fifteen years later I'm uuhhhhh
still not there. Now the internet is an option for an outlet but it intimidates me so much that I wouldn't even know how to get started or seen. "Just pick up a camera and film anything" they say! Okay, but I gotta figure out how to eat first, and I don't even know what I'd film. I have no stories in my head anymore.
And even as I try to put a life back together now, as I am now earnestly trying to finally move to a more economically healthy area with more opportunities, I still find myself hoping I can get a creative job. A creative
job. As though my brain still doesn't wanna do it if I'm not making money at it. I've tried drawing again, tried brushing up on cinematic techniques again, played with video editing software a little bit (mostly for shitposting) but it's like I can't bring myself to go out and really do it regularly unless I find a "point" to it. And making it a career seems to be the only way to make it make sense.
It sucks. Not just the commodification of creativity but the absolute time- and soul-sink that work now has to be in order to barely (not really) make ends meet. How do we find time and funding to do the things that nurture our souls if the vast majority of time is spent just trying to not be homeless? Making money at the creative stuff seems to be the only way to have both, because there's not enough time to
do both. I feel like I need three or four lifetimes to do all the things I want to do, let alone
afford them.
We shouldn't have to do it for the money. We aughta do it for the love. But our loves have gotta be yet another thing to feed the capitalist machine instead. Boooooooo