Film The Summer of Schwarzenegger |ST| If he's in it, we can watch it

[big lantern ghost]

With 1996, we have officially crossed the line into probably the darkest, shit-nastiest phase of Arnold’s career.

And that’s fine by me; I throw dark.
EDIT: I forgot to add that I watched The Running Man the other night and had a wonderful time. Once again I must deem @Clov & @Phosphorescent Skeleton 's reviews to hit the nail on the head! To celebrate their cinematic insight, here is a picture I took of a dummy with a 'sploded head running toward the horizon for my wife.

 

[Clov]

Jingle All the Way (1996)

Oh great, here we go with another Arnold "comedy"... can't wait to see how awful this one- wait, no Ivan Reitman? It's a film about holiday cheer? Arnold fights a big Santa!? This... this might be pretty good!


To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. This... this is actually fantastic! "Put that cookie down! NOW!" had me completely howling with laughter. It's such a great moment, Arnold trying and utterly failing to conceal his contempt for Phil Hartman. Not to mention, "Where's your Christmas spirit?" is so, so threatening when it's coming out of his mouth.

The Pump Factor: 5/10. Arnold is, against all odds, supposed to be an ordinary person. As such, and given that this is a Christmas movie, you don't see his muscles a lot. But he DOES get some points for his giant, plastic muscles in that Turbo Man costume at the end. It's not much, but it's something!

What is Best in Life?: 10/10. For once, we have an Arnold comedy that understands who Arnold is; an action star! We WANT to see him fight guys! We WANT to see him make the lives of cops miserable! He's meant to be a hero, and this movie delivers. Arnold goes through extreme lengths to get his son a Turboman doll, and NOTHING will get in his way. Not the police, not a ring of counterfeiting Santas, not Sinbad in the action packed, 90s CGI heavy climax where Sinbad comes dangerously close to murdering a child for a toy. Fun stuff all around!

The Governing Factor: 10/10. This is a father who will move heaven and hell to get his son a toy. He KNOWS he messed up, he knows he's failed in the past, but he refuses to be defined by those failures! And in the end, he overcomes them and delivers! Sure, the end of the movie (in a hilarious scene) implies that he's failed once again by forgetting his wife's present; but is it not human to fail? The point is, he gets back up. He makes it right! I can believe in him, and surely you can too!

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. Who would have guessed that one of the all-time greatest opponents Arnold would face was in a comedy? Phil Hartmann plays a hideously evil single father who just wants to take Arnold's wife away. Always dogging Arnold for failures, always trying to direct attention away from his good points (such as his muscles). He's not only incredibly funny, but he's SO hateable! Seeing him get so firmly rejected is one of the most satisfying moments in Arnold's filmography. There's also Sinbad's character, a mailman also gunning for the elusive Turboman doll, who's just as willing as Arnold to get one for his kid. He's a tragic figure; you want to see him be Arnold's friend. But in the end, only one can prevail. How differently would the movie turn out if he got the Turboman costume instead? Who can say...

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10. It's back! Just listen to those pre-recorded yells as CGI Arnold zooms and twists across your screen! WOW!

Overall: 55

Verdict: I... I'm kind of shocked that it ended up with a score like this. This scored higher than The Terminator. It's not as good of a movie as The Terminator... however, this is a purely OBJECTIVE scale. Who am I to contest the results?

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Jingle All The Way (1996)

To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
Yes, yes, yes! We're back baby, we are so fucking back! Put that cookie down! You're my number one customer! Jamieeee!!! Oh, it feels like I'm breathing again. This movie has amazing lines and jokes from Arnold and others. Phil Hartman is an equal to our big man here. Baltazar!

The Pump Factor: 5/10
Phil Hartman is wrong, Arnold CAN bench press his way out of this one! He might not go full body pump, but for once a comedy reconizes the innate hilarity of Arnold's big ol' body. He's looking absolutely pumped in that turbo man costume.

What is Best in Life?: 10/10
Arnold and Sinbad tear a pass of carnage across this unnamed midwestern Ameican city, with a particular focus on punishing Cops and Jim Belushi, targets that must be punished with beating. This movie has more action than True Lies, and its funnier and less misogynistic.

The Governing Factor: 10/10
He's beating the shit outta cops, he's moving heaven and hell for his family, he's busting rings of evil Santas. This is a man America can believe in, the most morally pure character Arnold has ever played.

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
Phil Hartman plays such a slimy smug little creep its perfect. His vulgar innuendos, his shitty yuppie conspicuous consumption, his little shit head kid. In less talented hands, the viewer might want Arnold's wife to leave him, but old Phil, nope, you want him to put that cookie down and get his ass kicked. Sinbad as a deranged mailman, sometimes friend, sometimes foe of Arnold, is simply the cherry on top. I think he doesn't even have a kid. I believe he is a manifestation of Loki or Coyote, the archetypal trickster god.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10
He does it! A lot! This movie really understands his mouth as an instrument of comedy. Just the way he yells Jamie is beautiful!

Overall: 55

Verdict: I've watched this at least once a year for as long as I can remember and I don't know where the irony begins or ends with my enjoyment of this film. It might just be fully sincere at this point. Truly a Christmas miracle. Merry Christmas Famiboards!

 

[Ramune]

Late '90s is where I check out - I'm not sure I've seen anything post-Y2K with him? But Jingle All The Way and Batman & Robin are highs to go out on. Truly sick and twisted that the former was disrespected with a Larry The Cable Guy sequel from WWE Studios (!), and a tragedy that superhero movies in the subsequent years gradually moved away from the pure and beautiful spirit of the genre and what it should be (tacky, homoerotic, toyetic).

 

[PixelKnight]

I only just realised the Eraser spawned a straight-to-video reboot last year
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eraser:_Reborn. Which I only found out after seeing an ad for ‘The Equaliser 3’ and getting it mixed up with the Eraser

Apparently True lies had a Tv series on Disney+ this year too!

 

[Clov]

Batman and Robin (1997)

Well, it's time we broke the ice! Is this iconic superhero film an underappreciated classic or... hm. Nope, I CAN'T finish that thought.

Wait, now that I've finished the movie, yes I can! This rules actually!

To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. If I could give this beyond 10, I would! Arnold's Mr. Freeze is CONSTANTLY, CONSTANTLY using ice puns throughout this movie, and I laughed at them every goddamn time like a total mark. I don't care, this had me doubling over with laughter. "What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!" "It's time... to kick... some ice!" Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I loved every moment Arnold was on screen, and a big part of that was just waiting to see what amazing pun he'd bust out next.

The Pump Factor: 0/10. This PAINS me. Mr. Freeze is wearing this ice suit the whole movie. And it's SO cool! It looks awesome! Like, a really, really cool toy awesome! ...but you don't see any of Arnold's muscles like this. He's completely encased. I... have no choice but to give it a 0, even though he looks amazing. I'm sorry, Arnold!

What is Best in Life?: 5/10. Arnold, in his first villainous role since The Terminator, goes to town on Gotham with his freeze guns! He freezes guys left and right, he freezes Robin and says "Bye bye, bird boy". He's on a complete freeze rampage, complete with funny 90s CGI effects! But... it's just not as satisfying. I feel that Arnold is meant to be gunning down fools with a machine gun. The freeze gun just lacks... the punch that he needs.

The Governing Factor: 10/10. Now why would Mr. Freeze make a good governor? Someone who tried to freeze all of Gotham City? Well, let me tell you! The man's a scientific genius! Made freeze guns, made a cryo-suit, made cures for rare diseases. He'd obviously be a huge supporter of scientific endeavours that would push the world forward. And, he's a devoted husband, putting everything on the line for the woman he loves. But most importantly, his cooperation with Poison Ivy shows me how willing he is to support the transgender community (Yeag, Poison Ivy's got that tgirl swag in this one). I say, let's give him a shot!

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. Oh, you better believe he's evil! He doesn't care who he freezes. He'll freeze anyone or anything that gets in the way of his diamond hunt! He's villainous in the way that silver age comic book villains were villainous, which is the best way of all. Arnold is obviously having SO much fun here. He, and everyone else in the cast, ham it up to the absolute max in every scene. He joyfully laughs as he commits his many evil deeds; freezing Batman to a rocket set to explode, freezing Robin into an ice block, freezing all of Gotham from a big telescope... there's a reason that despite this movie's reputation, people remember Arnold's joyful performance. It's just fun!

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10. There's some GREAT Arnold yells in this, some truly wonderful "AUGGGHHHHH"s! Even in defeat, his Mr. Freeze is a joy to watch.

Overall: 45

Verdict: Is this movie perfect? No! But is this movie actually a lot of fun? Yes! There's some parts that are boring, sure. The movie's too long, okay, true. But you know what else! THIS is the Batman I want! The extremely gay Batman! The Batman with the colorful sets, campy performances, elaborate costumes! This movie gives the Batman property the exact respect it deserves, which is none! Yes, it actually RULES that this opens with shots of Batman's butt and nipples! It actually rules that there's a Bat-Credit Card! It actually RULES that everyone is making puns, that hockey stick wielding goons attack, that Mr. Freeze has his minions sing the Coldmeitser song! Making Batman extremely gay was for the best! Enough of this grim Nolan nonsense, give me more goofy Batman!

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Batman and Robin (1997)

To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
Listen, you know...you've been on the internet...chill out...what killed the dinosaurs...every line is a new cone phrased from Arnold. He's great, career best performance, he's leaning in.

The Pump Factor: 0/10
Nope, he's in his ice suit. And its a great suit. It has huge booba! He's all blue and its not cgi bullshit, looks great. But a pump? Hardly...he does smoke a stogie, which I haven't mentioned much, but he's smokes one in nearly every movie starting with Raw Deal. It must have been in his contract.

What is Best in Life?: 5/10
He freezes a lot of people, which is terrifying to think about. Like irl, they would be dead. But its not especially thrilling. He has a buncha hockey goons, and they're great, but this movie has stale action across the board.

The Governing Factor: 10/10
I say, we give him a chance! Its way too hot out right now, and I would welcome his ice based administration! He turns good or some shit at the end, listen. Okay, just listen for a second. This movie isn't as bad as people say, hell its probably the 5th best batman movie, but it sucks. Are the Nolan movies worse? Of course, but that doesn't make this good.

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
One of Arnold's rare forays into being evil and he's great at it. A cartoon villian to end them all. You can tell he's enjoying this hammy role almost as much as the millions of dollars they paid him. Some men just want to see the world freeze. The Joker is just some asshole dressed as a clown, fuck that guy. Mr. Freeze has swag, he smokes a stogie, and isn't afraid to freeze kill a dog. That's evil!

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10
What can I say? He does it again! Aughhhhhhhahhaa. Love it! Funny everytime. The Iceman cometh!

Overall: 45/60

Verdict: This movie is great, it's super gay and colorful, and fun. The biggest problem is that it is also terrible, mostly boring, and way too long. Joel Schumakers only crime was being completely untalented. But as a vehicle for Arnold, its great. And by any metric better than True Lies.

 

[Sumio Mondo]

This scene:

Myron: I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em!

Howard: This man is totally insane.

Myron: Thank you!

And later Myron going to the cops:

Myron: I'll know if you move 'cause I have the ears of a snake!

In Jingle All The Way is still hilarious to me, the way Arnie and Sinbad deliver their lines there is brilliant throughout the movie.

And yes, Jingle All The Way is Arnie's best comedy by far. So wholesome and good!

 

[Ramune]

Just dropping in to mention that the animal-plant toxins had a rather unique effect on me: they replaced my blood with aloe, my skin with chlorophyll, and filled my lips...with venom.

 

[oomoepoo]

Say what you want about Schumacher's Batman movie but he was the last person that dared to make a silly Batman movie. And in the middle of the 90s to boot, man got balls of steel!

 

[Sumio Mondo]

What an interesting career Schumacher had, such a wide variety of movies. I remember loving Batman & Robin as a kid. Never seen it since aside from the funny clips on YouTube. Batman Forever I watched a few years ago and it was a noisy movie full of 90s neon chaos.

Just dropping in to mention that the animal-plant toxins had a rather unique effect on me: they replaced my blood with aloe, my skin with chlorophyll, and filled my lips...with venom.

 

[hologram]

As I've gotten older I've definitely soured on Batman conceptually -- "what if a billionaire was a hero?" is kinda just a non-starter, much more fantastical than anything else in the Batman universe - but somehow it never occurred to me to reevaluate Batman and Robin, which remained "bad because goofy" in my head

Am I... am I gonna rewatch Batman and Robin?!

 

[Clov]

As I've gotten older I've definitely soured on Batman conceptually -- "what if a billionaire was a hero?" is kinda just a non-starter, much more fantastical than anything else in the Batman universe - but somehow it never occurred to me to reevaluate Batman and Robin, which remained "bad because goofy" in my head

Am I... am I gonna rewatch Batman and Robin?!

It's worth another shot! It's far from perfect, but it honestly was just so refreshing compared to all the gritty, dark, and serious Batman takes. It's very clearly inspired by the 60s TV show, so if that sounds up your alley, give it a chance.

 

[hologram]

It's worth another shot! It's far from perfect, but it honestly was just so refreshing compared to all the gritty, dark, and serious Batman takes. It's very clearly inspired by the 60s TV show, so if that sounds up your alley, give it a chance.

Yeah I mean the three main reasons why it's so derided are, in descending order, (a) it's silly and doesn't take Batman seriously, (b) it goes too hard on being one long toy commercial, and (c) it's not a very good movie. I think (b) is probably still fair, but (c) has not stopped people liking other superhero movies and (a) honestly sounds refreshing

 

[Mekanos]

Verdict: This movie is great, it's super gay and colorful, and fun. The biggest problem is that it is also terrible, mostly boring, and way too long. Joel Schumakers only crime was being completely untalented. But as a vehicle for Arnold, its great. And by any metric better than True Lies.

I feel like it's hard to lay too much of the blame for at Schumacher's feet; at this point he was absolutely inundated with corporate demands and notes regarding the Batman movies, pretty much told to make it a toy commercial. (Also, one of Hollywood's greatest hacks Akiva Goldsman wrote the script, but that's neither here nor there, just wanted to make a note of that.)

He gave us Lost Boys so I can't consider Schmacher untalented, at any rate.

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

I feel like it's hard to lay too much of the blame for at Schumacher's feet; at this point he was absolutely inundated with corporate demands and notes regarding the Batman movies, pretty much told to make it a toy commercial. (Also, one of Hollywood's greatest hacks Akiva Goldsman wrote the script, but that's neither here nor there, just wanted to make a note of that.)

He gave us Lost Boys so I can't consider Schmacher untalented, at any rate.

I did say "uh oh" when Akiva Goldsman's name popped up in the opening credits.

 

[Mekanos]

I did say "uh oh" when Akiva Goldsman's name popped up in the opening credits.

for me that name elicits a full on "ruh roh"

 

[Sumio Mondo]

for me that name elicits a full on "ruh roh"

Looking on his Wiki: He's writing for the Constantine sequel....I have zero faith it will be any good.

 

[Ramune]

Schumacher has a lot of bad movies under his belt, but also some bangers, and I think people are severely overlooking what he brings to cinema - an eye for hunks with rising stars, and a mission to undress them. Do I care about Tigerland as a movie? Not especially. Do I care about it as an important early stop on the road map of Colin Farrell being hot on film? Very much so.

In Batman & Robin we see Schumacher torn between primetime handsome rogues like Clooney, fresh-faced heartthrobs like O'Donnell, and the exaggerated masculinity of hulks like Schwarzenegger and, to an even greater extent, Swenson. It's one of the last bastions of some semblance of horniness and lustful gaze in superhero action movies - Schumacher unsubtly lingers on the body and fetishizes various parts during the 'suit up' sequences. There are literal zooms on pert butts and chest plates with nipples, tongue firmly in cheek with a knowing wink as we finally zoom in on a rock solid Ken doll groin bump - because of course these beautiful men aren't just suiting up, they're in the process of having their likeness transposed onto toys, no longer just commodified on film as objects of lust, but immortalised in cheap plastic, and god, at least Schumacher is able to have fun with some literal boy toy objectification. Fitting that Arnold is there too, a big dude we saw naked and scantily clad plenty of times, who represented physical strength and superiority but didn't shy away from the universal truths that his huge body was hot and funny. He showed ass back in the day! I mentioned earlier in the thread how hot he was in the sauna scene in Red Heat!

Now people in superhero movies are built and at their physical peak in one way or another, but it is desperately unsexy. It is serious. Please understand that being a jacked up dude is a matter of national and international security and that it is your duty to the government to be ready to make your body a weapon. All function, zero pleasure! Sure, they'll throw us a shirtless Chris every so often, but my response is almost always:

 

[Clov]

Schumacher has a lot of bad movies under his belt, but also some bangers, and I think people are severely overlooking what he brings to cinema - an eye for hunks with rising stars, and a mission to undress them. Do I care about Tigerland as a movie? Not especially. Do I care about it as an important early stop on the road map of Colin Farrell being hot on film? Very much so.

In Batman & Robin we see Schumacher torn between primetime handsome rogues like Clooney, fresh-faced heartthrobs like O'Donnell, and the exaggerated masculinity of hulks like Schwarzenegger and, to an even greater extent, Swenson. It's one of the last bastions of some semblance of horniness and lustful gaze in superhero action movies - Schumacher unsubtly lingers on the body and fetishizes various parts during the 'suit up' sequences. There are literal zooms on pert butts and chest plates with nipples, tongue firmly in cheek with a knowing wink as we finally zoom in on a rock solid Ken doll groin bump - because of course these beautiful men aren't just suiting up, they're in the process of having their likeness transposed onto toys, no longer just commodified on film as objects of lust, but immortalised in cheap plastic, and god, at least Schumacher is able to have fun with some literal boy toy objectification. Fitting that Arnold is there too, a big dude we saw naked and scantily clad plenty of times, who represented physical strength and superiority but didn't shy away from the universal truths that his huge body was hot and funny. He showed ass back in the day! I mentioned earlier in the thread how hot he was in the sauna scene in Red Heat!

Now people in superhero movies are built and at their physical peak in one way or another, but it is desperately unsexy. It is serious. Please understand that being a jacked up dude is a matter of national and international security and that it is your duty to the government to be ready to make your body a weapon. All function, zero pleasure! Sure, they'll throw us a shirtless Chris every so often, but my response is almost always:

On top of my actual Yeag on your post, I want to give you a manual Yeag as well. Excellent post that really sums up what Schumacher brought to the superhero genre in Batman and Robin that's completely and utterly lacking in modern takes.

 

[Yamanoi]

Jingle All the Way (1996)

Oh great, here we go with another Arnold "comedy"... can't wait to see how awful this one- wait, no Ivan Reitman? It's a film about holiday cheer? Arnold fights a big Santa!? This... this might be pretty good!


To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. This... this is actually fantastic! "Put that cookie down! NOW!" had me completely howling with laughter. It's such a great moment, Arnold trying and utterly failing to conceal his contempt for Phil Hartman. Not to mention, "Where's your Christmas spirit?" is so, so threatening when it's coming out of his mouth.

The Pump Factor: 5/10. Arnold is, against all odds, supposed to be an ordinary person. As such, and given that this is a Christmas movie, you don't see his muscles a lot. But he DOES get some points for his giant, plastic muscles in that Turbo Man costume at the end. It's not much, but it's something!

What is Best in Life?: 10/10. For once, we have an Arnold comedy that understands who Arnold is; an action star! We WANT to see him fight guys! We WANT to see him make the lives of cops miserable! He's meant to be a hero, and this movie delivers. Arnold goes through extreme lengths to get his son a Turboman doll, and NOTHING will get in his way. Not the police, not a ring of counterfeiting Santas, not Sinbad in the action packed, 90s CGI heavy climax where Sinbad comes dangerously close to murdering a child for a toy. Fun stuff all around!

The Governing Factor: 10/10. This is a father who will move heaven and hell to get his son a toy. He KNOWS he messed up, he knows he's failed in the past, but he refuses to be defined by those failures! And in the end, he overcomes them and delivers! Sure, the end of the movie (in a hilarious scene) implies that he's failed once again by forgetting his wife's present; but is it not human to fail? The point is, he gets back up. He makes it right! I can believe in him, and surely you can too!

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. Who would have guessed that one of the all-time greatest opponents Arnold would face was in a comedy? Phil Hartmann plays a hideously evil single father who just wants to take Arnold's wife away. Always dogging Arnold for failures, always trying to direct attention away from his good points (such as his muscles). He's not only incredibly funny, but he's SO hateable! Seeing him get so firmly rejected is one of the most satisfying moments in Arnold's filmography. There's also Sinbad's character, a mailman also gunning for the elusive Turboman doll, who's just as willing as Arnold to get one for his kid. He's a tragic figure; you want to see him be Arnold's friend. But in the end, only one can prevail. How differently would the movie turn out if he got the Turboman costume instead? Who can say...

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10. It's back! Just listen to those pre-recorded yells as CGI Arnold zooms and twists across your screen! WOW!

Overall: 55

Verdict: I... I'm kind of shocked that it ended up with a score like this. This scored higher than The Terminator. It's not as good of a movie as The Terminator... however, this is a purely OBJECTIVE scale. Who am I to contest the results?

 

[Ramune]

On top of my actual Yeag on your post, I want to give you a manual Yeag as well. Excellent post that really sums up what Schumacher brought to the superhero genre in Batman and Robin that's completely and utterly lacking in modern takes.

Thank you! I'm all for variety in superhero stuff and obviously it can't all be fun garbage, but there's some 'house style' elements to the genre now that just make it so...lumpen and stodgy. I actually found Quantumania almost kind of fascinating because it was such a mess, and that misstep is at least funny to see!

Also thinking about how toy-centric these last movies in the Summer of Schwarzenegger have been, what this thread has really hit home is how much Arnold's career is like the archetypal action dude timeline, and how much it speaks to big trends and shifts - the early SFF stuff, the genre-defining '80s action like Commando, the 'buff action guy takes a swerve into straight-up comedy' stuff, his double bill as literal and figurative toys in Batman & Robin and Jingle All The Way, the 'Everyone Is Here' old guard ensemble action flicks of the '00s and '10s. What a career and influence. What has he wrought from the iron he once pumped.

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Thank you! I'm all for variety in superhero stuff and obviously it can't all be fun garbage, but there's some 'house style' elements to the genre now that just make it so...lumpen and stodgy. I actually found Quantumania almost kind of fascinating because it was such a mess, and that misstep is at least funny to see!

Also thinking about how toy-centric these last movies in the Summer of Schwarzenegger have been, what this thread has really hit home is how much Arnold's career is like the archetypal action dude timeline, and how much it speaks to big trends and shifts - the early SFF stuff, the genre-defining '80s action like Commando, the 'buff action guy takes a swerve into straight-up comedy' stuff, his double bill as literal and figurative toys in Batman & Robin and Jingle All The Way, the 'Everyone Is Here' old guard ensemble action flicks of the '00s and '10s. What a career and influence. What has he wrought from the iron he once pumped.

This thread has been a real journey through a portion of American cinema. We do this mostly for fun and goofs, but its interesting to see changing trends, attitudes, and styles. Like if you tried to make a big budget movie like Conan or Total Recall now, they would arrest you. Hell, I don't even think someone like Arnold could become famous anymore. He went from novelty celebrity to most famous man in the world looking and acting the way he does. Couldn't happen now.

 

[Ramune]

This thread has been a real journey through a portion of American cinema. We do this mostly for fun and goofs, but its interesting to see changing trends, attitudes, and styles. Like if you tried to make a big budget movie like Conan or Total Recall now, they would arrest you. Hell, I don't even think someone like Arnold could become famous anymore. He went from novelty celebrity to most famous man in the world looking and acting the way he does. Couldn't happen now.

Unfortunately they did not arrest Len Wiseman for his 2012 Total Recall, but at least it has an incredibly ripped Colin Farrell. Joel Schumacher oracle arc!

But yes it is cool how increasingly self-reflexive and meta Arnold's career gets as the general audience reckons more and more with what a strange, complex sort of star he is. Like we all got to the mid-90s and it hit us that we had made a huge celebrity that didn't entirely make sense but also made total sense, and there was a rush to try and unpack it before things got weirder (things got weirder before we could fully unpack it).

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Unfortunately they did not arrest Len Wiseman for his 2012 Total Recall, but at least it has an incredibly ripped Colin Farrell. Joel Schumacher oracle arc!

But yes it is cool how increasingly self-reflexive and meta Arnold's career gets as the general audience reckons more and more with what a strange, complex sort of star he is. Like we all got to the mid-90s and it hit us that we had made a huge celebrity that didn't entirely make sense but also made total sense, and there was a rush to try and unpack it before things got weirder (things got weirder before we could fully unpack it).

A giant Austrian muscle man with enough chrisma to become the biggest star in Hollywood for a decade despite a heavy accent, very little range, and an unmarketable name, became the governor of one of the biggest states in America, and not one person understands how this happened but it just seems normal now.

 

[Chie]

I'm interested in seeing the direction this thread goes now. Once you get past Jingle and Batman I've seen very little of Arnies film output despite loving his 80s and 90s work. The only films of his I've seen post 97 are Terminator 3 and his appearances in the Expendables films.

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

I'm interested in seeing the direction this thread goes now. Once you get past Jingle and Batman I've seen very little of Arnies film output despite loving his 80s and 90s work. The only films of his I've seen post 97 are Terminator 3 and his appearances in the Expendables films.

Lets just say this thread is almost finished

 

[Chie]

Lets just say this thread is almost finished

oh well shit. Lol. I guess there aren't as many iconic films left.

 

[chocolate_supra]

oh well shit. Lol. I guess there aren't as many iconic films left.

Yeah I had a feeling they wouldn't be delving into, like, Around the World in 80 Days or anything.

Though I would be curious to hear their thoughts on Maggie.

 

[Clov]

End of Days (1999)

The first movie in Arnold's renowned Days Duology stars our muscular hero as an atheist named... Jericho Cane!? Oh come on!

To Cone a Phrase: 0/10. What an absolute waste! You have a movie that pits Arnold against SATAN, and you don't even give him a cool one-liner when he defeats him!? What's even the point??? Arnold is frankly, miscast here, which is a huge problem with the movie. Maybe this was Arnold trying to evolve, take his career to a new stage, but... it's boring! This isn't the Arnold we knew and loved!

The Pump Factor: 0/10. Arnold wears a trademark atheist coat in order to hide his muscles from the eyes of both God and viewers alike. The movie is just relying on him being Arnold to give the impression of strength. He's nothing but a paper tiger, a false Arnold.

What is Best in Life?: 5/10. It takes a long time for the action to even resemble what one would want from an Arnold film, but there's some VERY funny stuff in between. Early on, Arnold is dangled off a rope from a helicopter, that tries to use him as some sort of human claw machine to catch a bad guy. Arnold gets the shit beaten out of him by an old woman who he then slams through a glass table. And, in the best scene of the movie, Arnold opens a fridge, only to be met by an adorable cat that meows at him and jumps away. The movie acts like that's supposed to be scary. Some pretty good stuff overall.

The Governing Factor: 0/10. Look. You see the Internet as it is now. Would you trust an atheist calling himself JERICHO KANE to have good opinions on anything? Arnold's character would probably be just as bad as any conservative Christian jerk despite his lack of faith. He's probably a hardcore libertarian that refers to women as "females". How much effort would it take for "JERICHO KANE" to not bust out his poorly informed opinions on minorities? I don't know about you, but I'm not willing to take the risk and find out!

That is One Evil Dude: 0/10. Satan's in this, and he's like the Terminator or something, but he wants to have sex with a woman instead of killing her. No matter what happens to him, he comes back. He gets shot, blown up, run over by a train... but Arnold can't keep him down. It's why this is so disappointing that he's so forgettable! Whoever plays him just isn't doing a good job. You're playing Satan, ham it up a bit! Come on! The devil should be the kind of guy who steals pies from windowsills out in the country, not this loser. I'm going to be honest with you; before I watched this movie, I thought the devil was played by Al Pachino. Turns out that's a different movie called Devil's Advocate. That movie (if I'm remembering right??) had a scene where the devil pissed on a car and it exploded or something. This one has a scene where the devil bleeds and blows up cars. You see what I'm getting at here? This is just a bad Devil's Advocate rip off! It came out two years before this! Don't believe the hype!

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10. Here we go! If you want to hear Arnold yelling in absolute pain as an old woman beats him to near death, this is the one movie you'll have to watch!

Overall: 15

Verdict: This doesn't feel like an Arnold movie. Stupid, boring, and a poor way for Arnold to end the 90s.

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The End of The Days (1999)

To Cone a Phrase: 0/10
At one point be says "shit, Marge, what the fuck!" which was actually Homer Simpson's original catchphrase, taken from a line in Homer's Odyssey. A good Phrase, but you can hardly claim that Arnold coned it. Arnold really seems like he's trying to control his accent and some his most famous voice tics, though it just sounds weird. He most have gotten sick of all the jokes, but it really hurts the movie. Arnold must have felt the shifts in culture and that he had to change or his career would be over. The latter happened and I donr know if you know this, but he got into politics.

The Pump Factor: 0/10
This coulda been anyone. Arnold looks like shit. Just wearing an atheist trench coat the whole time. Also my phone suggests this emoji for atheist. Oh my fucking science!!! Listen, Im effectively an atheist, but I gotta get my dunks in.

What is Best in Life?: 5/10
No "cool" violence, but a lot of "funny" violence. Arnold slams an old lady into a glass table and shot guns the shit outta satan and associates. Satan also gets up to some flamable piss related mischief, but thats none of my business....

The Governing Factor: 0/10
He's like some cop dipshit who becomes born again Christian. I wouldn't vote for him! Fuck, what more do you want! This category is sometimes fun to write for, but the politics of this movie is "What is a movie was bad?" At one point they claim that numbers in dreams are upside down so the real number of the beast is 999. Guess that's why the dreamcast failed. He dies at the end, Arnold, which is what I wish most politicians would do (PARODY SATIRE!!!) so 10 I guess. Clov informed me that this is stupid so 0.

That is One Evil Dude: 0/10
He's Satan. Sure, he's a smarmy asshole, just central casting 90s bad dude snark Satan. This is the shit Neil Gaiman pulls and you rubes eat it up! Ohhh, what if Death was a hot goth GF????? What if you grew up!!! Sandman! Oohhhhh!!!!! Stories!!! What if a story was about a story!??? Innit!?!?! Go to hell, Neil!

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10
Whoa! Ahggggghhhh. Thats comedy. I wished we had done a category rating Arnolds character names, because Jericho Cane is the best name anyone has ever had. All writers cried the day this movie came out, and many forsook writing forevermore afterwords because they would never be equal to this name.

Overall: 15/60

Verdict: sorry for going so hard on Neil Gaiman, Sandman is okay....for me to poop on!!!

 

[Clov]

The 6th Day (2000)

Welcome... to the Arnold millennium. We're near the end now, everyone! In the second movie of the Days Duology, Arnold gets cloned after using the Virtual Boy's successor in public. So you'd expect this would be a buddy film where Arnold and Arnold wreak havoc for most of the runtime, right?

Wrong!

To Cone a Phrase: 5/10. Towards the end, Arnold tells Elon Musk to clone himself and fuck his clone. That was pretty funny! Not much else of note here. To be honest, not much else of note in this whole movie. It's really, REALLY boring. The only thing that kept me entertained was the occasionally insane early 2000s editing. It's a bog-standard action film with, much like the first movie in the Days Duology, a weirdly religious slant. So, for the parts of my review where I don't have anything particular to say, I'm going to talk about painting my nails instead.

The Pump Factor: 0/10. We actually tried watching this movie last night, but got too bored to finish. We started again tonight, and I decided to use my time productively and paint my nails. My original plan was to use three kinds of nail polish to make a trans pride pattern. However, I made the stupid mistake of accidentally buying a transparent base coat instead of white. On top of having to watch The 6th Day, this only made my mood worse.

What is Best in Life?: 3/10. So, backup plan. I decided to paint my nails dark purple instead. This is where the violence came in. I had been drinking, so it was really difficult to keep my hands perfectly steady. Let's just say mistakes were made that needed to be corrected with acetone.

The Governing Factor: 5/10. Now the real problem was trying to use the nail polish remover to get rid of the parts that had gotten on my fingertips without getting rid of the nail polish I wanted to stay on the nails! It was a tricky balancing act that I didn't quite manage well. I accidentally rubbed off some parts of the nail polish I wanted to keep in the process, necessitating another coat.

That is One Evil Dude: 3/10. Okay, back to the movie! The villain is Elon Musk! He gets all melty when he tries to copy his mind to his next clone, because he doesn't get enough clone juice or something. He dies after he falls through a window. Anyway, more importantly, nail polish smells really bad! But I can't argue with the results!

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10. My nails turned out pretty good, all things considering.

Overall: 16

Verdict: What did I miss?

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The 6th Day (2000)

To Cone a Phrase: 5/10
Arnold tells the main villian to clone himself while he's still alive so he can fuck himself. That's not bad! Arnold doesn't get many good lines here, but its a delight to see him act off himself. Truly surreal. Sadly, there's barely any clone shenanigans in this clone movie.

The Pump Factor: 0/10
He looks like some guy. This really feels like another generic film that happens to star Arnold and it doesn't use his massive body to any effect. I wonder if he just started to let himself go.

What is Best in Life?: 3/10
There is a Jame's Bond level of violence here, which means its poorly shot and edited and not particularly exciting. Lots of laser beams and cg helicopters, plus all the thrills of the XFL, but Arnold is just some guy.

The Governing Factor: 5/10
He's weirdly religious at one point, but Arnold does dedicate himself to murdering a tech billionaire, which is what we need more of in the hell of an Earth.

That is One Evil Dude: 3/10
The actor sucks, and the roll has no juice, but the main villian is basically the Elon Musk of cloning and at one point he accidentally turns himself into the Castle Freak. I don't know, I'm sorry, just not a lot to say about this one.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10
Nope. The clones could have had a fight where they fought and we got aughhhhh in stereo, but Hollywood is a factory of cowards.

Overall: 16/60

Verdict: Another stinker in the Days Duology. The Heisei Arnold series was a step down from the Showa era, but had some real highs. I'm afraid I won't be able to say the same about the Arnold Millennium series.

 

[Clov]

Alright everyone, this is it. The final Arnold movie we'll be reviewing. The final Arnold movie, before he abandoned the screen for the pulpit! That film is...


Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Pictured: Arnold carrying his film career


To Cone a Phrase: 0/10. This movie just tries to play the hits. The only new thing we get is "Talk to the hand", which isn't that funny. The others are just phrases taken from the first two, much better movies. Dull and uninspired.

The Pump Factor: 2/10. You get to see a bit of his muscles at the beginning when he first travels back in time. Otherwise, it's as barren as the rest of the movie.

What is Best in Life?: 5/10. There's actually a few good action sequences here, the real standout being that car chase! But a big problem with this film is how it just can't commit to a tone. Does it want to be funny, or serious? Some of the action is kinda funny, like Arnold colliding with a bouncing castle while hanging off a truck, complete with cartoon sound effect. But when it's surrounded by the rest of the more straightforward action, it really sticks out in a bad way. Do you want to make a Terminator parody, or a straight up Terminator sequel? Honestly, given how conclusive T2 ended, I think they should have just committed to the parody route! It's already halfway there with Arnold walking nude into Ladies Night at a bar, Arnold putting on star shades, Arnold telling a gas station clerk to talk to the hand... but like the whole movie, it's half-baked.

The Governing Factor: 0/10. Remember how in T2, the Terminator learned to become more human? What if all that cool character development was erased? Makes sense, since that Terminator died, but wouldn't it SUCK? And guess what; it DOES suck! Arnold's back to the old him as an emotionless machine. In my review of the original Terminator, I said we should give him a chance. Now, I've changed my mind. He can't even help the older John "Dogpilled" Conner do anything to break his crippling addiction to hound-pills. Shameful!

That is One Evil Dude: 0/10. The Terminatrix, or Girlminator, is the Terminator, but a girl. She's like the T-1000, but worse, because only her skin is liquid metal so she can't phase through stuff. She's not scary despite her best efforts to be so; on several occasions makes inhuman roars for some reason. She barely seems able to speak and has no charm or charisma whatsoever. What I'm trying to say is that the Girlminator has big terf vibes and thus automatically gets a 0.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10. He does NOT do it, and he shows no potential to be able to do it. This isn't it! He wasn't even moved by John "Gimmie Those Hound-Pills" Conner's crippling addiction to breaking and entering veterinary offices to steal their precious dog-pills. And if he wasn't moved by that, who's to say he would ever be moved enough to let out one of Arnold's great "AUUUUUUGHHHHHHSSSS"

Overall: 7

Verdict: Spits on the grave of Cameron's two great prequels. Forget this trash, this is the real Rise of the Machines




And that's a wrap everyone! It's over, we're done! Go home! There's nothing left to watch here. We all know how the story goes. Arnold got into politics, and then starred in some other movies that weren't as important as any of the ones we watched. I hope that our journey through the cinematic canon of Arnold enlightened you, from the groovy 70s all the way to the cursed hellscape of post-9/11 America. It wasn't only his personal journey, but a journey of changing trends and attitudes in mainstream American cinema. Speaking of cursed, hope you're looking forward to our next thread!

Good night everyone, and remember, Batman and Robin is actually a good movie now! It's okay to like it, you have my permission!

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The Terminator 3: The Rise of The Machines

To Cone a Phrase: 0/10
Reheated leftovers, but like, a food that tastes bad as left overs. Not like a soup or stew. Like reheated McDonalds. That sounds gross right?

The Pump Factor: 2/10
We briefly see Arnold shirtless, and he still kinda has that big silly body, which just makes me mad that none of the 90s movies really exploited that.

What is Best in Life?: 5/10
Making this PG-13 was a disaster choice. Arnold does precious little destroying of bodies and environment, but there's some halfway decent action scenes. There's a cool chase that is shot with a sad blue sleep camera and a funny fight againt the Girlminator, but its slim pickins y'all.

The Governing Factor: 0/10
Remember how cool it was when the Terminator slowly learned humanity in T2? None of that here, in T3 he is lower than a goddamn hound dog. Speaking of which, John Conner is back and somehow more annoying and also addicted to dog medication. He is totally houndpilled and me and Clov kept repeating that joke throughout the movie.

That is One Evil Dude: 0/10
She's a girl, but she has anti-yeag vibes tbh. No personality, just a vector point to call a woman a bitch and make action sex jokes. She barely talks, and instead demanding things, she just says shit like "i like your car" before the screen goes black and we here violence noise. She should went up to the male stripper and said I like your penis. Then it would cut to black and we would here the howie scream.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10
I came up with bullshit reasons to give T1 and T2 a perfect 10 here, because this is a perfectly objective scale and my hand was so guided. Now imagine if the Girlminator went up to John "give me dat dog pill" Conner and said "I like your penis" and it cut to black and he screamed like Tom from an old Tom With Jerry cartoon. 10 out of 10?

Overall: 7/10

Verdict: not the worst thing we've watched for this, but also this movie has the worst ending of all, invalidating the events of T2 and most of the events of T3. It sucks. But imagine if the Girlminator went up to Arnold and said "I like your penis" and it cut to black and we heard the Wilhelm scream. Oooooooohhhhh it really makes me wonder!
I'm glad we're free now. Good Bye to All of Arnold.

PS: Big plans for our next movie thread. Wahahahahahahaha


And remember, put a little on the tender part of your neck. Goodbye......

 

[oomoepoo]

Well. It was fun while it lasted, shame you couldn't end this thread on a much higher note
It definitely was as fun as it was enlightening!

Although compared to what came afterwards, T3's probably the best thing to come out of the franchise in the last 20 years.

 

[chocolate_supra]

Holy hell, I never knew that one had a name too

 

[Embers]

Thanks for the great thread! You had me checking the Roost first thing every time I visited the forum to see if there was an update.

 

[VorpalNonsense]

Since an Arnold filmography thread is basically also a Terminator series thread (making the series unlikely to get its own thread), I've been hoping to see your thoughts on 4/5/6 as well. Since those three are quite an...interesting ride, for better or worse.

The Heisei Arnold series was a step down from the Showa era, but had some real highs. I'm afraid I won't be able to say the same about the Arnold Millennium series.

This categorization of Arnold's career is my favorite moment of the entire thread.

 

[Mekanos]

Not to take away from your point, but T3 was rated R. The blandness of the action is a stylistic choice I'm afraid.

 

[Clov]

Since an Arnold filmography thread is basically also a Terminator series thread (making the series unlikely to get its own thread), I've been hoping to see your thoughts on 4/5/6 as well. Since those three are quite an...interesting ride, for better or worse.


This categorization of Arnold's career is my favorite moment of the entire thread.

The only other one I've seen is Terminator Salvation, which I thought was dreadful and is genuinely one of the worst theatre going experiences I've had.

Not to take away from your point, but T3 was rated R. The blandness of the action is a stylistic choice I'm afraid.

It was rated R!? For what!?

 

[chocolate_supra]

It was rated R!? For what!?

Repellent

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Since an Arnold filmography thread is basically also a Terminator series thread (making the series unlikely to get its own thread), I've been hoping to see your thoughts on 4/5/6 as well. Since those three are quite an...interesting ride, for better or worse.

The only time I skipped classes in high school was to see Terminator Salvation amd it made me wish I had stayed at school.

 

[Sumio Mondo]

The only time I skipped classes in high school was to see Terminator Salvation amd it made me wish I had stayed at school.

The only other one I've seen is Terminator Salvation, which I thought was dreadful and is genuinely one of the worst theatre going experiences I've had.




It was rated R!? For what!?

Similarly, I hate that movie and wasted my time at the cinema in the hope it would be better than T3. lol.

Only Terminator I've not watched yet is Genisys....I take it I'm better not doing so lol. The trailer spoiled me on the "twist" anyway and it looked pretty bad.

I watched Dark Fate last year and oh no. That movie was bad too.
I've not watched the Sarah Connor Chronicles show yet either thinking about it, that had a fanbase and better received out of the media since T2 released. I should check that out someday, dunno if either if you ever watched it?

Thanks to both of you for this thread btw, really enjoyed it.

 

[Embers]

Only Terminator I've not watched yet is Genisys....I take it I'm better not doing so lol. The trailer spoiled me on the "twist" anyway and it looked pretty bad.

Weirdly, I've heard a lot of good things about Genisys, and from people who acknowledge Salvation and Dark Fate as terrible. Not seen it myself so I can't vouch for it, but everyone tells me that they basically stopped trying and failing to live up to T1 and T2 and made the all-out self-parody that our esteemed reviewers wished T3 had been.

 

[oomoepoo]

The only time I skipped classes in high school was to see Terminator Salvation amd it made me wish I had stayed at school.

Similarly, I hate that movie and wasted my time at the cinema in the hope it would be better than T3. lol.

I've honestly always kinda liked Salvation? Although more for the general idea it had rather than the execution of it, I guess. Though I think I would've hated it too if I'd seen it in theaters

 

[PixelKnight]

I can’t even remember which ones after T3 I’ve even seen. Quite enjoyed Dark Fate but the other two I’ve got a feeling I’ve seen and immediately forgotten.

 

[hologram]

I saw Dark Fate and Genisys and I honestly don't remember which is which

The one with Emilia Clarke was worse though

 

[Mekanos]

I've honestly always kinda liked Salvation? Although more for the general idea it had rather than the execution of it, I guess. Though I think I would've hated it too if I'd seen it in theaters

I liked Salvation at the time but I haven't seen it since. That was the last time I saw a Terminator movie though, Genisys and Dark Fate looked like dogshit lol

 

[VorpalNonsense]

The only other one I've seen is Terminator Salvation, which I thought was dreadful and is genuinely one of the worst theatre going experiences I've had.




It was rated R!? For what!?

Watch Genisys and you'll wish you were watching Salvation!
Dark Fate's generally accepted as the best one after 1991, which may not be saying much but at the very least I can confirm that inflatable boobs is not a viable tactic deployed during the movie, and at no point does music play that asserts the terminator to be "that funky man."