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Such a surreal sentence :'D
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Film The Summer of Schwarzenegger |ST| If he's in it, we can watch it
- Thread starter Clov
- Start date
OP
OP
Clov
An ethernet cable girlfriend
- Pronouns
- She/Her
The Running Man (1987)
Arnold stars in an electrifying adaptation of the Stephen King- er, I mean Richard Bachmann novel, The Running Man! But instead of whatever the author did in the original book, they just made it (to its great benefit) a video game, something it has in common with a LOT of Arnold's films.
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. Puns galore as Arnold kills boss after boss in this gauntlet of weirdos! Right from the start (after he kills a murderous hockey player), "Sub-Zero, now plain zero!" And he's got them for every single guy!
The Pump Factor: 5/10. Arnold certainly LOOKS strong, LOOKS built... but the movie sadly is simply too scared to show it most of the time! The fascists in this film stoop to every low, even depriving the audience of Arnold's meaty arms.
What is Best in Life?: 10/10. Sub-Zero! Buzzsaw! Dynamo! Fireball! All video game bosses that meet brutal and entertaining ends at the hands of Arnold and his comrades. Plus we get some great scenes of Arnold gunning down goons during the climax.
The Governing Factor: 10/10. Arnold is a machine here, but not a literal machine, as in The Terminator. Here he is a machine that kills fascists, and all who serve them! Unstoppable, adaptable, refusing to compromise when offered the opportunity to join his oppressors, and ultimately breaking through the game itself and destroying them. Not only that, but he inspires the audience, turning them against The Running Man show and its swarmy host. This guy's the best candidate for governor out of every Arnold character so far!
That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. Apparently this guy was the host of Family Feud?? It shows, he seems like a real asshole! Arrogant, believing himself fully untouchable by the musclebound destroyer. A big part of why this movie works is because of how much it makes you hate him; seeing Arnold not only defeat each boss he sends after him, but turn the entire audience against him is so satisfying. Not to mention the final kill, when Arnold straps him into the rocket sled, is one of the most satisfying in his career!
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10. There's SOME screams here. They're good! But we needed more! And louder!
Overall: 50
Verdict: Relentlessly entertaining, a must watch for people who want the same sort of satire as Robocop but WAY sillier.
Arnold stars in an electrifying adaptation of the Stephen King- er, I mean Richard Bachmann novel, The Running Man! But instead of whatever the author did in the original book, they just made it (to its great benefit) a video game, something it has in common with a LOT of Arnold's films.
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. Puns galore as Arnold kills boss after boss in this gauntlet of weirdos! Right from the start (after he kills a murderous hockey player), "Sub-Zero, now plain zero!" And he's got them for every single guy!
The Pump Factor: 5/10. Arnold certainly LOOKS strong, LOOKS built... but the movie sadly is simply too scared to show it most of the time! The fascists in this film stoop to every low, even depriving the audience of Arnold's meaty arms.
What is Best in Life?: 10/10. Sub-Zero! Buzzsaw! Dynamo! Fireball! All video game bosses that meet brutal and entertaining ends at the hands of Arnold and his comrades. Plus we get some great scenes of Arnold gunning down goons during the climax.
The Governing Factor: 10/10. Arnold is a machine here, but not a literal machine, as in The Terminator. Here he is a machine that kills fascists, and all who serve them! Unstoppable, adaptable, refusing to compromise when offered the opportunity to join his oppressors, and ultimately breaking through the game itself and destroying them. Not only that, but he inspires the audience, turning them against The Running Man show and its swarmy host. This guy's the best candidate for governor out of every Arnold character so far!
That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. Apparently this guy was the host of Family Feud?? It shows, he seems like a real asshole! Arrogant, believing himself fully untouchable by the musclebound destroyer. A big part of why this movie works is because of how much it makes you hate him; seeing Arnold not only defeat each boss he sends after him, but turn the entire audience against him is so satisfying. Not to mention the final kill, when Arnold straps him into the rocket sled, is one of the most satisfying in his career!
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10. There's SOME screams here. They're good! But we needed more! And louder!
Overall: 50
Verdict: Relentlessly entertaining, a must watch for people who want the same sort of satire as Robocop but WAY sillier.
Phosphorescent Skeleton
It's a hard world for little things.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
The Running Man (1987)
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
He split...get it...because Arnold cut him in half with a chainsaw...my god! The phrases coned here! I have not heard speech this refined since I was last in Gilead! Arnold has the very wit of my old master, Cort, who one many a riddling contest!
The Pump Factor: 5/10
Listen, Arnold looks great here. The camera particularly loves his huge ass. But outside the opening, he's in a spandex suit that hides his sculpted body. For most of the movie, he looks good, but THINNER then ever. Must have went through a thinny.
What is Best in Life?: 10/10
Arnold and his brave ka-tet of gunslinger mete out righteous violence. A guy is cut in half and we're 2 for 2 with heads exploding in an Arnold film. The violence is all drenched in pink, red, and purple neon lights. This is a video game.
The Governing Factor: 10/10
Ben Richard's is punished for refusing to kill unarmed civilians, joins the underground rebels, frements revolution by playing an Everything Is Terrible edit and killing a game show host. This man could lead, he is a true gunslinger and he makes his Stand.
That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
Ah yes, the hero's Dark Half. Methinks the game show host, with his smarmy, manipulative nature, recalls one Randall Flagg. He no doubt serves the fiendish Crimson King. Luckly Arnold is on the beam and ka is served
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10
Arnold makes those noises and once again I am shocked how every parody of his screaming is accurate. Coulda used more, but I was satisfied. You can really hear the Rage in his voice as he goes on a Long Walk across some areas that really need some Roadwork. He certainly sounds like he's in Misery. You can hear his Desperation. But I guess it beats being locked in a Cell!
Overall: 50/11/22/63
Verdict: this movie is Arnold on Maximum Overdrive, he's fully what you want, no Tommykocking around the bush. Action packed and certainly not a cure for Insomnia.
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
He split...get it...because Arnold cut him in half with a chainsaw...my god! The phrases coned here! I have not heard speech this refined since I was last in Gilead! Arnold has the very wit of my old master, Cort, who one many a riddling contest!
The Pump Factor: 5/10
Listen, Arnold looks great here. The camera particularly loves his huge ass. But outside the opening, he's in a spandex suit that hides his sculpted body. For most of the movie, he looks good, but THINNER then ever. Must have went through a thinny.
What is Best in Life?: 10/10
Arnold and his brave ka-tet of gunslinger mete out righteous violence. A guy is cut in half and we're 2 for 2 with heads exploding in an Arnold film. The violence is all drenched in pink, red, and purple neon lights. This is a video game.
The Governing Factor: 10/10
Ben Richard's is punished for refusing to kill unarmed civilians, joins the underground rebels, frements revolution by playing an Everything Is Terrible edit and killing a game show host. This man could lead, he is a true gunslinger and he makes his Stand.
That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
Ah yes, the hero's Dark Half. Methinks the game show host, with his smarmy, manipulative nature, recalls one Randall Flagg. He no doubt serves the fiendish Crimson King. Luckly Arnold is on the beam and ka is served
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10
Arnold makes those noises and once again I am shocked how every parody of his screaming is accurate. Coulda used more, but I was satisfied. You can really hear the Rage in his voice as he goes on a Long Walk across some areas that really need some Roadwork. He certainly sounds like he's in Misery. You can hear his Desperation. But I guess it beats being locked in a Cell!
Overall: 50/11/22/63
Verdict: this movie is Arnold on Maximum Overdrive, he's fully what you want, no Tommykocking around the bush. Action packed and certainly not a cure for Insomnia.
OP
OP
Clov
An ethernet cable girlfriend
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Twins (1988)
Uh oh.
To Cone a Phrase: 0/10. Ivan Reitman, widely known as one of the great American Failures of the movie industry, doesn't understand that Arnold is ALREADY FUNNY in his own movies. All he needed to do to make this funny was to give him some good one-liners after beating up guys! But no, they have to try for the... traditional comedy route, which is a poor match for Arnold's capabilities as an actor. Give him room to breath! Let him thrive in his environment! You're CHOKING him Ivan, CHOKING him!
The Pump Factor: 10/10. Thankfully, one thing that Ivan does understand is that Arnold is very, very big and very, very strong. There's a few scenes here where you not only get to see Arnold shirtless, but you get to HEAR Danny DeVito talking about how muscular Arnold is! That's at least one thing done right. Danny gets it.
What is Best in Life?: 0/10. Arnold punches some guys, and later allows Danny DeVito to crush a man under a surprisingly long (but not comedically long, because this movie is not very funny) legnth of chain. Arnold is just lumbering around aimlessly for most of this. Don't you just wanna see him go apeshit? The world must be made out of cardboard to him. Quit holding him back!
The Governing Factor: 0/10. Arnold can't even be trusted to drive a car in this movie, and you expect him to take the wheel of an entire state!? Are you insane!? Probably not as insane as the fact that, as Phos has repeatedly brought up to me throughout our viewing of the movie, that Arnold is the product of a eugenicist experiment involving the... genetic material of six virile men. You know who that reminds me of? Frederick "Fred" Krueger, the bastard son of a thousand maniacs! No, one must not be defined by the circumstances of their birth, but after watching this movie, can I really trust Arnold not to haunt to the dreams of a nation?
That is One Evil Dude: 0/10. Uh. There were some mobsters or something... there was a guy I thought was Woody Harrelson but apparently wasn't... if you told me that this movie had no villain I'd probably believe you. One can make the argument that the true villains are Ivan Reitman and the producers of this film for allowing this to be made. This feels like a fake movie. The music seems like an infomercial. But not even a real infomercial, but the platonic ideal of what an infomercial was. I think it might be Vaporwave. This is the kind of film made to be experienced when you're hopped up on something and flipping through TV channels a decade or two ago, half paying attention and a quarter remembering anything that happened. It's a lot like when I watched 3:10 to Yuma after I had my wisdom teeth removed.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10. No "AUUUUGGGHHHHHH", but a very comical "Whoaaaaa!!!" that was my personal highlight of the film. Phos screamed a lot about a particular plot point mentioned at the very beginning of this film. I'm concerned.
Overall: 15
Verdict: We still have to watch Junior? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
Uh oh.
To Cone a Phrase: 0/10. Ivan Reitman, widely known as one of the great American Failures of the movie industry, doesn't understand that Arnold is ALREADY FUNNY in his own movies. All he needed to do to make this funny was to give him some good one-liners after beating up guys! But no, they have to try for the... traditional comedy route, which is a poor match for Arnold's capabilities as an actor. Give him room to breath! Let him thrive in his environment! You're CHOKING him Ivan, CHOKING him!
The Pump Factor: 10/10. Thankfully, one thing that Ivan does understand is that Arnold is very, very big and very, very strong. There's a few scenes here where you not only get to see Arnold shirtless, but you get to HEAR Danny DeVito talking about how muscular Arnold is! That's at least one thing done right. Danny gets it.
What is Best in Life?: 0/10. Arnold punches some guys, and later allows Danny DeVito to crush a man under a surprisingly long (but not comedically long, because this movie is not very funny) legnth of chain. Arnold is just lumbering around aimlessly for most of this. Don't you just wanna see him go apeshit? The world must be made out of cardboard to him. Quit holding him back!
The Governing Factor: 0/10. Arnold can't even be trusted to drive a car in this movie, and you expect him to take the wheel of an entire state!? Are you insane!? Probably not as insane as the fact that, as Phos has repeatedly brought up to me throughout our viewing of the movie, that Arnold is the product of a eugenicist experiment involving the... genetic material of six virile men. You know who that reminds me of? Frederick "Fred" Krueger, the bastard son of a thousand maniacs! No, one must not be defined by the circumstances of their birth, but after watching this movie, can I really trust Arnold not to haunt to the dreams of a nation?
That is One Evil Dude: 0/10. Uh. There were some mobsters or something... there was a guy I thought was Woody Harrelson but apparently wasn't... if you told me that this movie had no villain I'd probably believe you. One can make the argument that the true villains are Ivan Reitman and the producers of this film for allowing this to be made. This feels like a fake movie. The music seems like an infomercial. But not even a real infomercial, but the platonic ideal of what an infomercial was. I think it might be Vaporwave. This is the kind of film made to be experienced when you're hopped up on something and flipping through TV channels a decade or two ago, half paying attention and a quarter remembering anything that happened. It's a lot like when I watched 3:10 to Yuma after I had my wisdom teeth removed.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10. No "AUUUUGGGHHHHHH", but a very comical "Whoaaaaa!!!" that was my personal highlight of the film. Phos screamed a lot about a particular plot point mentioned at the very beginning of this film. I'm concerned.
Overall: 15
Verdict: We still have to watch Junior? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
Phosphorescent Skeleton
It's a hard world for little things.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Twins (1988) [Dir. Ivan Wrongman]
To Cone a Phrase: 0/10
Despite this being a comedy, there's not a single quotable line, let alone a coneable phrase from our big boy and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD IS THIS REALLY A MOVIE ABOUT ARNOLD AND DANNY HAVING 6 FATHERS!?!?!
The Pump Factor: 10/10
This movie focuses on Arnold's bulging muscles in a more comedic nature. He big, Devito small. His character, a super human MADE FROM THE COMBINED SEED OF 6 MEN IN A GOVERNMENT EXPERIMENT I REMIND YOU, is gentle dispite being ripped so, hahahahahahahhaha.
What is Best in Life?: 0/10
Arnold is explicitly antiviolence sadly. There are some sub sub sub Hong Kong car stunts, and a guy gets absolutely Looney Tuned by some chains but nah, the only real violence is learning that this famous bland comedy is about TWINS WHO ARE THE FRUIT OF THE LOINS OF 6 MEN!!!
The Governing Factor: 0/10
Arnold's character seems like kind of a dipshit, and he's super easy to manipulate, plus he's the result of some kind of egenicist project paper clip style experiment INVOLVING 6 MEN, AN EXPERT IN SPORTS, SCIENCE, POLITICS, ECT, COMBINING THEIR ESSENCE INTO A TEST TUBE!!! WHAT!?!
That is One Evil Dude: 0/10
There's an assasin or something, the movie doesn't care and neither do I. What the movie does care about it that THE GOVERMENT EXTRACTED THE SEED OF 6 PERFECT MEN TO CREATE A SUPER MAN!!!!
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10
Arnold makes some nerd version of his traditional noises and its pretty good. The only one screaming is me for not knowing THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT EUGENICS BEING USED TO BREW SUPER POTENT SEED AND ARNOLD AND DEVITO ARE THE RESULTS ARE YOU FUCKING HAVING A CRAP OF ME!?!?!
Overall: 15/60
Verdict: this is the worst so far. HOW DOES NO ONE EVER MENTION HOW UNHINGED THIS IS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Note: if you're wondering why we skipped Hercules in New York, I've seen it, 0/60, fuck you. If you're wondering why we skipped Red Heat, get a job loser.
To Cone a Phrase: 0/10
Despite this being a comedy, there's not a single quotable line, let alone a coneable phrase from our big boy and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD IS THIS REALLY A MOVIE ABOUT ARNOLD AND DANNY HAVING 6 FATHERS!?!?!
The Pump Factor: 10/10
This movie focuses on Arnold's bulging muscles in a more comedic nature. He big, Devito small. His character, a super human MADE FROM THE COMBINED SEED OF 6 MEN IN A GOVERNMENT EXPERIMENT I REMIND YOU, is gentle dispite being ripped so, hahahahahahahhaha.
What is Best in Life?: 0/10
Arnold is explicitly antiviolence sadly. There are some sub sub sub Hong Kong car stunts, and a guy gets absolutely Looney Tuned by some chains but nah, the only real violence is learning that this famous bland comedy is about TWINS WHO ARE THE FRUIT OF THE LOINS OF 6 MEN!!!
The Governing Factor: 0/10
Arnold's character seems like kind of a dipshit, and he's super easy to manipulate, plus he's the result of some kind of egenicist project paper clip style experiment INVOLVING 6 MEN, AN EXPERT IN SPORTS, SCIENCE, POLITICS, ECT, COMBINING THEIR ESSENCE INTO A TEST TUBE!!! WHAT!?!
That is One Evil Dude: 0/10
There's an assasin or something, the movie doesn't care and neither do I. What the movie does care about it that THE GOVERMENT EXTRACTED THE SEED OF 6 PERFECT MEN TO CREATE A SUPER MAN!!!!
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10
Arnold makes some nerd version of his traditional noises and its pretty good. The only one screaming is me for not knowing THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT EUGENICS BEING USED TO BREW SUPER POTENT SEED AND ARNOLD AND DEVITO ARE THE RESULTS ARE YOU FUCKING HAVING A CRAP OF ME!?!?!
Overall: 15/60
Verdict: this is the worst so far. HOW DOES NO ONE EVER MENTION HOW UNHINGED THIS IS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Note: if you're wondering why we skipped Hercules in New York, I've seen it, 0/60, fuck you. If you're wondering why we skipped Red Heat, get a job loser.
PixelKnight
Observing the process
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- He/Him
this is such a good point. He’s been in adaptations of Stephen King and PK Dick stories, on top of James Cameron sci-fi and Conan. Watching a good chunk of Arnie’s stuff is like a walk through 20th century SF history.
OP
OP
Clov
An ethernet cable girlfriend
- Pronouns
- She/Her
This has been, overall, the best of the threads we've done in terms of how good the actual movies are. I suggested it as a joke at first, but as it turns out he was in a lot of great movies! And also Twins!
- Pronouns
- he/him
Omfg. This is my favourite thread on Famiboards. Stunned.
Hoping above hope for reviews of True Lies and The Expendables.
Hoping above hope for reviews of True Lies and The Expendables.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
While we're expressing hopes: Jingle All The Way!!
- Pronouns
- he/him
This would be a spectacular review from these two, IMO. Used to watch this all the time as a kid. Even then I knew it was something else lol. I need an oral history of this film
- Pronouns
- He/Him
- Pronouns
- he/him
Seriously! What is this movie lol. Could not have existed without Arnie.
Sumio Mondo
Lynchian
- Pronouns
- He/Him
PUT THE COOKIE DOWN....NEOOOOWWWW!!!
For sure and it even continues into the 2000s with The 6th Day and Terminator 3. He definitely gravitated towards sci-fi big time.
OP
OP
Clov
An ethernet cable girlfriend
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Total Recall (1990)
Arnold enters the horrifying decade of the 1990s with this sci-fi classic from the director of RoboCop! Subject of a bizarre conspiracy theory that the entire movie is a dream his character has at the Rekall facility, how does the objective reality of his experiences in the film stack up to his other works?
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. Some of this stuff had me just hollering with delight. When Arnold kills a guy with a drill and yells "Screw You!", that's what cinema is, that's what joy itself is. This is the climax of the film industry, the justification for all those decades of progress in cinema. It was all worth it!
The Pump Factor: 10/10. You get a bit of Arnold's muscles in this movie, but he does wear outfits that cover himself up most of the time. So what makes this a perfect ten? The man pumped all that air back into Mars! That my friends, is what I call the ultimate pump!
What is Best in Life?: 10/10. Arnold guns down a LOT of guys in this, but let's not forget when he kills one of the main antagonists by knocking him off an elevator and tearing his arms off as he tries to get back. Or that fantastic eye bulging action on the surface of the red planet!
The Governing Factor: 10/10. The best and most moral of Arnold's characters so far, I have no doubt that Quaid would be a fantastic governor. He fights for the common person, doesn't discriminate against mutants, and fights fascism directly by throwing it onto the blistering hell surface of Mars. But what makes him TRULY great? When it's revealed that "Quaid" is a false, implanted identity of a fascist goon named Hauser? He fights it, refuses to return to his old ways, and rejects everything that he used to stand for, choosing the new identity of Quaid to destroy the conservative ghouls running the planet. He's got my vote, and he ought to have yours as well!
That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. This gives us two great adversaries for our musclebound hero! Another greasy old rich guy type, but also the great Micheal Ironside as his enforcer! Micheal chews up the scenery in every part of the movie he's in, and is a joy to watch. He's competent, he's powerful, and he's so driven to kill Arnold that he disobeys his superior. He wants that man dead, and the only reason Arnold lived was because Micheal chose to even the playing field by not using his Scanner powers.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10. This is it right here! The best screaming in any Arnold movie yet! Right from the opening, we get some wonderful "AUUGGHHHHH"s from our hero as he dreams of dying on Mars. There's plenty of other opportunities for Arnold to yell his heart out, like at the Rekall facility! You can tell how much fun he had working on this from how he really sells every "AUUUGGHHHHHH" to the audience!
Overall: 60
Verdict: This is no dream! Get your ass to the couch and watch this movie now!
Side note: The events of the movie were real. If you disagree, you better wake up!
Arnold enters the horrifying decade of the 1990s with this sci-fi classic from the director of RoboCop! Subject of a bizarre conspiracy theory that the entire movie is a dream his character has at the Rekall facility, how does the objective reality of his experiences in the film stack up to his other works?
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. Some of this stuff had me just hollering with delight. When Arnold kills a guy with a drill and yells "Screw You!", that's what cinema is, that's what joy itself is. This is the climax of the film industry, the justification for all those decades of progress in cinema. It was all worth it!
The Pump Factor: 10/10. You get a bit of Arnold's muscles in this movie, but he does wear outfits that cover himself up most of the time. So what makes this a perfect ten? The man pumped all that air back into Mars! That my friends, is what I call the ultimate pump!
What is Best in Life?: 10/10. Arnold guns down a LOT of guys in this, but let's not forget when he kills one of the main antagonists by knocking him off an elevator and tearing his arms off as he tries to get back. Or that fantastic eye bulging action on the surface of the red planet!
The Governing Factor: 10/10. The best and most moral of Arnold's characters so far, I have no doubt that Quaid would be a fantastic governor. He fights for the common person, doesn't discriminate against mutants, and fights fascism directly by throwing it onto the blistering hell surface of Mars. But what makes him TRULY great? When it's revealed that "Quaid" is a false, implanted identity of a fascist goon named Hauser? He fights it, refuses to return to his old ways, and rejects everything that he used to stand for, choosing the new identity of Quaid to destroy the conservative ghouls running the planet. He's got my vote, and he ought to have yours as well!
That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. This gives us two great adversaries for our musclebound hero! Another greasy old rich guy type, but also the great Micheal Ironside as his enforcer! Micheal chews up the scenery in every part of the movie he's in, and is a joy to watch. He's competent, he's powerful, and he's so driven to kill Arnold that he disobeys his superior. He wants that man dead, and the only reason Arnold lived was because Micheal chose to even the playing field by not using his Scanner powers.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10. This is it right here! The best screaming in any Arnold movie yet! Right from the opening, we get some wonderful "AUUGGHHHHH"s from our hero as he dreams of dying on Mars. There's plenty of other opportunities for Arnold to yell his heart out, like at the Rekall facility! You can tell how much fun he had working on this from how he really sells every "AUUUGGHHHHHH" to the audience!
Overall: 60
Verdict: This is no dream! Get your ass to the couch and watch this movie now!
Side note: The events of the movie were real. If you disagree, you better wake up!
Phosphorescent Skeleton
It's a hard world for little things.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Total Recall (1990)
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
Get your ass to mars is probably the third most popular one liner to use for a hacky Arnold impression, but its also the best one. People don't even talk about screw you and see you at the pary! This man has more cones than Baskin and Robins.
The Pump Factor: 10/10
Arnold is fully clothed the entire time. You can see his mighty slab like arms bulging, but he's getting experimental with the pump. He pumps his head, eye balls and all! Magnificent! He pumps his heart in his greatest screen romance to date. And dare I say he pumps his mind in this cerebral scifi action classic that tis no dream!
What is Best in Life?: 10/10
Plenty of extremely meaty Verhoven style squibs and gore. A guy get screw chested. The villian from scanners gets his arms elevatored off. One of the bad guys from robocop gets Marsed to death. Beautiful.
The Governing Factor: 10/10
Quid is a good man! He is a liberator and freedom fighter. He faces the demon of his fascist self and says fuck you. Quid should be king of mars if not the universe.
That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
Arnold faces his deadliest foes, the evil scanner from Scanners and one of the evil business men from Robocop. Can he benchpress his way outta this one? Yes, but not before defeating his real foe...himself!?!?
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10
Verhoven GOT Arnold and uses him and his voice as a piece of pop art expressionism. The first line in the movie is Arnold just wailing his auagghghugüh into the airless skys of mars in the movies only dream sequence.
Overall: 60/60
Verdict: this is my grandfather's favorite movie. His favorite book is John Carter on Mars. I got Marsploitation in my blood.
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
Get your ass to mars is probably the third most popular one liner to use for a hacky Arnold impression, but its also the best one. People don't even talk about screw you and see you at the pary! This man has more cones than Baskin and Robins.
The Pump Factor: 10/10
Arnold is fully clothed the entire time. You can see his mighty slab like arms bulging, but he's getting experimental with the pump. He pumps his head, eye balls and all! Magnificent! He pumps his heart in his greatest screen romance to date. And dare I say he pumps his mind in this cerebral scifi action classic that tis no dream!
What is Best in Life?: 10/10
Plenty of extremely meaty Verhoven style squibs and gore. A guy get screw chested. The villian from scanners gets his arms elevatored off. One of the bad guys from robocop gets Marsed to death. Beautiful.
The Governing Factor: 10/10
Quid is a good man! He is a liberator and freedom fighter. He faces the demon of his fascist self and says fuck you. Quid should be king of mars if not the universe.
That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
Arnold faces his deadliest foes, the evil scanner from Scanners and one of the evil business men from Robocop. Can he benchpress his way outta this one? Yes, but not before defeating his real foe...himself!?!?
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10
Verhoven GOT Arnold and uses him and his voice as a piece of pop art expressionism. The first line in the movie is Arnold just wailing his auagghghugüh into the airless skys of mars in the movies only dream sequence.
Overall: 60/60
Verdict: this is my grandfather's favorite movie. His favorite book is John Carter on Mars. I got Marsploitation in my blood.
Phosphorescent Skeleton
It's a hard world for little things.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Kindergarten Cop (1990)
To Cone a Phrase: -10
I don't fucking care, he says stuff about a tumor or some shit.
The Pump Factor: -10
Not as far as I know.
What is Best in Life?: -10
What is best in life? Who can say. What is worst in life is watching this.
The Governing Factor: -10
He's a cop.
That is One Evil Dude: -10
Ivan Reitman was the villian of comedy
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream:
I just want to cry.
Overall -60/60
Verdict: watching 36 minutes of this and than writing this has actually made me depressed.
To Cone a Phrase: -10
I don't fucking care, he says stuff about a tumor or some shit.
The Pump Factor: -10
Not as far as I know.
What is Best in Life?: -10
What is best in life? Who can say. What is worst in life is watching this.
The Governing Factor: -10
He's a cop.
That is One Evil Dude: -10
Ivan Reitman was the villian of comedy
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream:
I just want to cry.
Overall -60/60
Verdict: watching 36 minutes of this and than writing this has actually made me depressed.
OP
OP
Clov
An ethernet cable girlfriend
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Kindergarten Cop (1990)
...
...
...
Look. We really tried here. We gave this a fair shot. There's only been two movies that Phos and I have stopped watching partway through. The first is Ralph Bakshi's Wizards because it was boring as hell. The second is this. I'm sorry. We really tried. But after 36 minutes we could take no more. Somehow we managed to stomach Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I don't know how, but we did. We couldn't make it through this. Alcohol did not help.
To Cone a Phrase: I mean there's "It's not a tumor" or something. That's memorable I guess, but we didn't get to that part.
The Pump Factor: Nothing to be seen here!
What is Best in Life?: Not this! He shotguns some objects early on, but no people. The real harm is inflicted upon everyone who watches this. Seriously, this is so BORING. Do you know what's more painful than a bad comedy? Nothing! Nothing is! Twins was somehow funnier than this! Did Ivan Reitman just get worse at making movies or something?
The Governing Factor: No! This guy's a creep (read: cop) who handcuffs a poor girl to a corpse? What the hell is wrong with this guy? And he follows her to a club with a gun and threatens to stalk her? I think that's supposed to be one of the jokes. Gross!
That is One Evil Dude: He's some guy with a ponytail. I dunno. Look, just read everything I wrote for my Twins review here. Ivan Reitman sucks. Sorry Ghostbusters fans, he's just not a good filmmaker! There's a "joke" here about a mother concerned her son is playing with dolls, but it's okay! Arnold says he's only using them to look up the skirts of girls, so it's all alright. Because what's worse than being a creep is a child being a queer! Fuck the 1990s, fuck Ivan Reitman, and fuck this film!
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: Arnold screams at the children to shut up. I want to do the same to the filmmakers.
Overall: No
Verdict: Go to hell!
...
...
Look. We really tried here. We gave this a fair shot. There's only been two movies that Phos and I have stopped watching partway through. The first is Ralph Bakshi's Wizards because it was boring as hell. The second is this. I'm sorry. We really tried. But after 36 minutes we could take no more. Somehow we managed to stomach Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I don't know how, but we did. We couldn't make it through this. Alcohol did not help.
To Cone a Phrase: I mean there's "It's not a tumor" or something. That's memorable I guess, but we didn't get to that part.
The Pump Factor: Nothing to be seen here!
What is Best in Life?: Not this! He shotguns some objects early on, but no people. The real harm is inflicted upon everyone who watches this. Seriously, this is so BORING. Do you know what's more painful than a bad comedy? Nothing! Nothing is! Twins was somehow funnier than this! Did Ivan Reitman just get worse at making movies or something?
The Governing Factor: No! This guy's a creep (read: cop) who handcuffs a poor girl to a corpse? What the hell is wrong with this guy? And he follows her to a club with a gun and threatens to stalk her? I think that's supposed to be one of the jokes. Gross!
That is One Evil Dude: He's some guy with a ponytail. I dunno. Look, just read everything I wrote for my Twins review here. Ivan Reitman sucks. Sorry Ghostbusters fans, he's just not a good filmmaker! There's a "joke" here about a mother concerned her son is playing with dolls, but it's okay! Arnold says he's only using them to look up the skirts of girls, so it's all alright. Because what's worse than being a creep is a child being a queer! Fuck the 1990s, fuck Ivan Reitman, and fuck this film!
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: Arnold screams at the children to shut up. I want to do the same to the filmmakers.
Overall: No
Verdict: Go to hell!
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PixelKnight
Observing the process
- Pronouns
- He/Him
It’s a terrible, terrible film but I do like the bit where he tells the kids to shut up. Something about his eyes is just classic Arnie. But yeah that’s like 10 seconds out of it’s dated, fucked up nonsense.Kindergarten Cop (1990)
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...
...
Look. We really tried here. We gave this a fair shot. There's only been two movies that Phos and I have stopped watching partway through. The first is Ralph Bakshi's Wizards because it was boring as hell. The second is this. I'm sorry. We really tried. But after 36 minutes we could take no more. Somehow we managed to stomach Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I don't know how, but we did. We couldn't make it through this. Alcohol did not help.
To Cone a Phrase: I mean there's "It's not a tumor" or something. That's memorable I guess, but we didn't get to that part.
The Pump Factor: Nothing to be seen here!
What is Best in Life?: Not this! He shotguns some objects early on, but no people. The real harm is inflicted upon everyone who watches this. Seriously, this is so BORING. Do you know what's more painful than a bad comedy? Nothing! Nothing is! Twins was somehow funnier than this! Did Ivan Reitman just get worse at making movies or something?
The Governing Factor: No! This guy's a creep (read: cop) who handcuffs a poor girl to a corpse? What the hell is wrong with this guy? And he follows her to a club with a gun and threatens to stalk her? I think that's supposed to be one of the jokes. Gross!
That is One Evil Dude: He's some guy with a ponytail. I dunno. Look, just read everything I wrote for my Twins review here. Ivan Reitman sucks. Sorry Ghostbusters fans, he's just not a good filmmaker! There's a "joke" here about a mother concerned her son is playing with dolls, but it's okay! Arnold says he's only using them to look up the skirts of girls, so it's all alright. Because what's worse than being a creep is a child being a queer! Fuck the 1990s, fuck Ivan Reitman, and fuck this film!
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: Arnold screams at the children to shut up. I want to do the same to the filmmakers.
Overall: No
Verdict: Go to hell!
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PixelKnight
Observing the process
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Love this film. Really good adaptation of the source material too, built as a vehicle for the lead actor rather than sticking close to the book. Same goes for Running Man really, that’s got little to do with what it’s based on outside of the core concepts.
- Pronouns
- he/him
I think I need to give Total Recall another watch soon, never seen it in 4K. I’m so glad you brought up SCREW YOU that’s the line my brother and I yelled at each other growing up. 
Fuckin’ Benny.
And yeah. Reitman movies are kinda bad across the board. I haven’t seen Cop in like 15 years, that sounds dismal. DeVito prank getting Arnie way stoned is the best thing to come from their collabs
Fuckin’ Benny. And yeah. Reitman movies are kinda bad across the board. I haven’t seen Cop in like 15 years, that sounds dismal. DeVito prank getting Arnie way stoned is the best thing to come from their collabs
OP
OP
Clov
An ethernet cable girlfriend
- Pronouns
- She/Her
I think I need to give Total Recall another watch soon, never seen it in 4K. I’m so glad you brought up SCREW YOU that’s the line my brother and I yelled at each other growing up.
And yeah. Reitman movies are kinda bad across the board. I haven’t seen Cop in like 15 years, that sounds dismal. DeVito prank getting Arnie way stoned is the best thing to come from their collabs
It was really beyond either of our expectations. Like, Twins was a bad movie based on a single joke (what if a tall guy and a short guy were twins!), but it was also just, really weird! Kindergarten Cop was just long stretches of boring punctuated by weird misogyny. The homophobia was really just the point where we both were like, "You know what? We don't have to watch this!" Just an unpleasant experience.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
God I hope I haven't forgotten a bunch of problematic shit in Jingle All the Way
Metroid
Enemy of the Process Believe in Progress #BiP
- Pronouns
- He/him
I just watched it a couple years ago, we're (I also love that movie) good I think.
...unless I erased some stuff from my memory
Phosphorescent Skeleton
It's a hard world for little things.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Don't worry, I watch it every year, it's solid.
Sumio Mondo
Lynchian
- Pronouns
- He/Him
I actually discovered for the first time last year there's two cuts of this movie, the US version has more/different scenes than the one we got over here in the UK. Like different scenes and takes in the same scenes. Like the scene where Arnie's car breaks down, it plays a completely different song and he has a scene in the pickup truck which we don't have in the UK version, for instance. There was others too like a new scene in the car with Belushi and Danny Woodburn I never saw before too. Pretty sure the song is completely different there too.
Jingle All the Way (1996) - Alternate versions - IMDb
Jingle All the Way (1996) - Movies, TV, Celebs, and more...
www.imdb.com
OP
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Clov
An ethernet cable girlfriend
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
He's back, and nicer than ever! That's right, The Terminator's gone good, in what would have been a wonderful twist that the marketing completely spoiled... because it's really too good not to!
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. Hasta la Vista, Baby is one of THE Arnold catchphrases, equally as iconic as "I'll be back". And it occurs during one of the best scenes in the film! It's great, really... but can you imagine if "Chill out, dickwad" caught on instead?
The Pump Factor: 10/10. We don't get a TON of shirtless Arnold here, but the movie isn't afraid to show off his muscles at all! So unafraid that they're willing to take the pump a step beyond, in the classic scene where Arnold cuts the skin of his arm off, revealing the metallic skeleton underneath. Now I know what you're thinking; a skeleton is the opposite of muscles, much like how Kinkotsuman is the diametric opposite of Kinnikuman. But! This is a ROBOT skeleton. It moves with... that's right... hydraulic pumps. We're back in business here!
What is Best in Life?: 10/10. John Conner instructs Arnold not to kill. But, to quote "Jafar" in the Disney classic, "The Return of Jafar", you'd be surprised what you can live through! Arnold shoots a ton of guys here, blows up vehicles, and time and time again devastates his nigh invincible nemesis, the T-1000, with a variety of weapons. Speaking of, the T-1000 gets plenty of grisly, sharp and pointy kills here too. It delivers!
The Governing Factor: 10/10. Despite being a machine, Arnold's Terminator is more human than most politicians. Zing! It's actually wonderful how he slowly learns to understand humanity though, and given how he perfectly plays out John Conner's will here, I think he'd be more than capable of following the will of the people.
That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. The Terminator in this film is the good guy. In order to sell this, you have to make something far, far more evil than an emotionless humanoid machine designed only to kill. That's why Robert Patrick's T-1000 is a cop! Despite being much smaller than Arnold, his spooky 90s CGI powers make him an extremely intimidating opponent, capability of morphing into other people, and turning his arms into sharp knives. Definitely feels very inspired by The Thing, especially his memorable death scene where he dies in lava.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10. I know, I know! He doesn't scream. He doesn't! But! He could have! Look at how human he had become by the end! If he could understand why humans cry, who's to say that he couldn't understand why humans say "AAAUUUGGHHHHHH" given more time?
Overall: 60
Verdict: One of James Cameron's all-time greats, as long as you don't think too hard about why a child in 1991 would be playing Missile Command of all games at the arcade.
He's back, and nicer than ever! That's right, The Terminator's gone good, in what would have been a wonderful twist that the marketing completely spoiled... because it's really too good not to!
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. Hasta la Vista, Baby is one of THE Arnold catchphrases, equally as iconic as "I'll be back". And it occurs during one of the best scenes in the film! It's great, really... but can you imagine if "Chill out, dickwad" caught on instead?
The Pump Factor: 10/10. We don't get a TON of shirtless Arnold here, but the movie isn't afraid to show off his muscles at all! So unafraid that they're willing to take the pump a step beyond, in the classic scene where Arnold cuts the skin of his arm off, revealing the metallic skeleton underneath. Now I know what you're thinking; a skeleton is the opposite of muscles, much like how Kinkotsuman is the diametric opposite of Kinnikuman. But! This is a ROBOT skeleton. It moves with... that's right... hydraulic pumps. We're back in business here!
What is Best in Life?: 10/10. John Conner instructs Arnold not to kill. But, to quote "Jafar" in the Disney classic, "The Return of Jafar", you'd be surprised what you can live through! Arnold shoots a ton of guys here, blows up vehicles, and time and time again devastates his nigh invincible nemesis, the T-1000, with a variety of weapons. Speaking of, the T-1000 gets plenty of grisly, sharp and pointy kills here too. It delivers!
The Governing Factor: 10/10. Despite being a machine, Arnold's Terminator is more human than most politicians. Zing! It's actually wonderful how he slowly learns to understand humanity though, and given how he perfectly plays out John Conner's will here, I think he'd be more than capable of following the will of the people.
That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. The Terminator in this film is the good guy. In order to sell this, you have to make something far, far more evil than an emotionless humanoid machine designed only to kill. That's why Robert Patrick's T-1000 is a cop! Despite being much smaller than Arnold, his spooky 90s CGI powers make him an extremely intimidating opponent, capability of morphing into other people, and turning his arms into sharp knives. Definitely feels very inspired by The Thing, especially his memorable death scene where he dies in lava.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10. I know, I know! He doesn't scream. He doesn't! But! He could have! Look at how human he had become by the end! If he could understand why humans cry, who's to say that he couldn't understand why humans say "AAAUUUGGHHHHHH" given more time?
Overall: 60
Verdict: One of James Cameron's all-time greats, as long as you don't think too hard about why a child in 1991 would be playing Missile Command of all games at the arcade.
Phosphorescent Skeleton
It's a hard world for little things.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
The Terminator 2: The Judgement Day (1991) [Dir. James Camera]
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
I'm going to be saying "Chill out, dickwad" for months and everyone around me is going to be annoyed by my shit.
The Pump Factor: 10/10
You see Arnold's muscles (everytime I write muscles please read it in a popeye voice (musk kulz)) but he also pumps a shot gun and the tears are pumping from my eyes at the end.
What is Best in Life?: 10/10
The scene were the t1000 is John Conners foster mom and arm knifes his foster dad gave me childhood trauma as did the scene with arnold degloving the muscley arm (remember popeye). Arnold isn't allowed to kill, but luckily cops aren't people.
The Governing Factor: 10/10
Even prehumanization the t800 is more human than most politicians plus he hates cops. Its low hanging fruit I'm picking here and if you think less of me for it remember that its the sweetest fruit.
That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
The t1000 is a cops and cops are evil. A child could explain this you simpering fool, and you should be ashamed that a drunk girl had to tell you. Also hes cg and cg destroyed movies. Yummmmmmmm low hanging fruit tasty also i believe.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10
Okay, he doesn't scream, squel, or grunt, but you know what? Chill out, dickwad. Perfect score anyways.
Overall: 60/60
Verdict: my review of this movie is that its terminator 2 judgement day.
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
I'm going to be saying "Chill out, dickwad" for months and everyone around me is going to be annoyed by my shit.
The Pump Factor: 10/10
You see Arnold's muscles (everytime I write muscles please read it in a popeye voice (musk kulz)) but he also pumps a shot gun and the tears are pumping from my eyes at the end.
What is Best in Life?: 10/10
The scene were the t1000 is John Conners foster mom and arm knifes his foster dad gave me childhood trauma as did the scene with arnold degloving the muscley arm (remember popeye). Arnold isn't allowed to kill, but luckily cops aren't people.
The Governing Factor: 10/10
Even prehumanization the t800 is more human than most politicians plus he hates cops. Its low hanging fruit I'm picking here and if you think less of me for it remember that its the sweetest fruit.
That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
The t1000 is a cops and cops are evil. A child could explain this you simpering fool, and you should be ashamed that a drunk girl had to tell you. Also hes cg and cg destroyed movies. Yummmmmmmm low hanging fruit tasty also i believe.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10
Okay, he doesn't scream, squel, or grunt, but you know what? Chill out, dickwad. Perfect score anyways.
Overall: 60/60
Verdict: my review of this movie is that its terminator 2 judgement day.
PixelKnight
Observing the process
- Pronouns
- He/Him
I’d never thought of that before but you’re quite right, he’d be way more likely to have been playing one of the scrolling fighters or Street Fighter 2 instead
OP
OP
Clov
An ethernet cable girlfriend
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Last Action Hero (1993)
This one's all about that movie magic as Arnold plays a dual role as a fictional action hero brought into the real world... and himself! A very fun film that sadly flopped after the producers released it against Jurassic Park. But can this goofy meta caper really follow up Terminator 2?
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. It's where the name of the category comes from! There's a LOT of very, very goofy one-liners here, that are meant to parody how Arnold films are in the minds of the public... but they're all great. Love it!
The Pump Factor: 0/10. This is sad! For a film that's a parody of all things Arnold... there's not THAT much focus on his muscles at all. The most you get is him in a t-shirt! Come on. You can't do an Arnold parody and not have him be jacked out like in Commando or something.
What is Best in Life?: 10/10. This is what the parody does right! Arnold kills tons of fictional goons in increasingly ridiculous ways. But it's not done badly, surprisingly enough. It's actually some very competently done, exciting action! It's a loving parody, one that appreciates the myriad ways Arnold has killed and maimed throughout his career.
The Governing Factor: 0/10. Arnold's character, Jack Slater, is a fictional being in universe. He doesn't understand how the real world works once he is brought there. That alone would make him a bad enough governor. But I don't need to think the rest of this category through. Seeing as Arnold also plays himself, a Republican, this lands us squarely on 0, regardless of any merits Jack Slater might have. What a shame!
That is One Evil Dude: 6/10. The villain here is mostly fun! He's an assassin with a glass eye who realizes he's in a movie, escaping to the real world, where bad guys can win! Great idea, but it fails on two levels. First, this guy is clearly written for Alan Rickman. They should have gotten him! Instead we get some guy, who's the "We Have Alan Rickman at Home" version of him. The real "Tom Hanks' brother" version of Alan Rickman. Second, he never gets to make good on his threat to bring Dracula and King Kong into the real world. Come on! What a let down!
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10. There's some good yells, but this feels like Arnold just towing the line, just playing the hits. Standard Arnold, but not exceptional Arnold.
Overall: 31
Verdict: Not his best movie, but a charming one! Give it a watch. Love to see The Seventh Seal and Arnold in the same picture.
This one's all about that movie magic as Arnold plays a dual role as a fictional action hero brought into the real world... and himself! A very fun film that sadly flopped after the producers released it against Jurassic Park. But can this goofy meta caper really follow up Terminator 2?
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. It's where the name of the category comes from! There's a LOT of very, very goofy one-liners here, that are meant to parody how Arnold films are in the minds of the public... but they're all great. Love it!
The Pump Factor: 0/10. This is sad! For a film that's a parody of all things Arnold... there's not THAT much focus on his muscles at all. The most you get is him in a t-shirt! Come on. You can't do an Arnold parody and not have him be jacked out like in Commando or something.
What is Best in Life?: 10/10. This is what the parody does right! Arnold kills tons of fictional goons in increasingly ridiculous ways. But it's not done badly, surprisingly enough. It's actually some very competently done, exciting action! It's a loving parody, one that appreciates the myriad ways Arnold has killed and maimed throughout his career.
The Governing Factor: 0/10. Arnold's character, Jack Slater, is a fictional being in universe. He doesn't understand how the real world works once he is brought there. That alone would make him a bad enough governor. But I don't need to think the rest of this category through. Seeing as Arnold also plays himself, a Republican, this lands us squarely on 0, regardless of any merits Jack Slater might have. What a shame!
That is One Evil Dude: 6/10. The villain here is mostly fun! He's an assassin with a glass eye who realizes he's in a movie, escaping to the real world, where bad guys can win! Great idea, but it fails on two levels. First, this guy is clearly written for Alan Rickman. They should have gotten him! Instead we get some guy, who's the "We Have Alan Rickman at Home" version of him. The real "Tom Hanks' brother" version of Alan Rickman. Second, he never gets to make good on his threat to bring Dracula and King Kong into the real world. Come on! What a let down!
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10. There's some good yells, but this feels like Arnold just towing the line, just playing the hits. Standard Arnold, but not exceptional Arnold.
Overall: 31
Verdict: Not his best movie, but a charming one! Give it a watch. Love to see The Seventh Seal and Arnold in the same picture.
Phosphorescent Skeleton
It's a hard world for little things.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Last Action Hero (1993)
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
I mean, its where this category comes from. He ices a guy with an ice cream cone. It rules. All of the quips here are self reflective jokes, but they're still good.
The Pump Factor: 0/10
No focus on the muscles (remember, Popeye voice), Arnold is all covered in shirt and jacket sadly, but a corpse gets pumped up with nerve gas in an extended fart joke, so that's something (no it isn't).
What is Best in Life?: 10/10
This movie understands that an action comedy has to have an at least equal focus on both elements. The action is turned up just high enough to be ridiculous and comedic, but its still exciting and fist pumping. Not super bloody, but a ton of guys die.
The Governing Factor: 0/10
Arnold plays a duel roll as copagada movie character Jack Slater and as Himself. Slater is a cop, and therefore an asshole, and Arnold is a republican freak. No one wins.
That is One Evil Dude: 6/10
Shoulda gotten Alan Rickman (sp?). The villian is a sardonic one eyed assassin, but there's not
clear character there beyond the weird eye stuff. He has access to all of film history's greatest villains and he only brings out some fake guy from Jack Slater III. Coulda had Dracula and King Kong vs Arnold. A real missed opportunity.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10
Meets the bare minimum to be satisfying, but a far cry from the heights of Predator and Total Recall.
Total: 31/60
Verdict: not a great score on our objective 60 point scale, but this was fun, a real delight! It deserves the reevaluation its gotten, and looking ahead I feel like this is gonna be the last good Arnold film. Uh oh! Watch it!
To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
I mean, its where this category comes from. He ices a guy with an ice cream cone. It rules. All of the quips here are self reflective jokes, but they're still good.
The Pump Factor: 0/10
No focus on the muscles (remember, Popeye voice), Arnold is all covered in shirt and jacket sadly, but a corpse gets pumped up with nerve gas in an extended fart joke, so that's something (no it isn't).
What is Best in Life?: 10/10
This movie understands that an action comedy has to have an at least equal focus on both elements. The action is turned up just high enough to be ridiculous and comedic, but its still exciting and fist pumping. Not super bloody, but a ton of guys die.
The Governing Factor: 0/10
Arnold plays a duel roll as copagada movie character Jack Slater and as Himself. Slater is a cop, and therefore an asshole, and Arnold is a republican freak. No one wins.
That is One Evil Dude: 6/10
Shoulda gotten Alan Rickman (sp?). The villian is a sardonic one eyed assassin, but there's not
clear character there beyond the weird eye stuff. He has access to all of film history's greatest villains and he only brings out some fake guy from Jack Slater III. Coulda had Dracula and King Kong vs Arnold. A real missed opportunity.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10
Meets the bare minimum to be satisfying, but a far cry from the heights of Predator and Total Recall.
Total: 31/60
Verdict: not a great score on our objective 60 point scale, but this was fun, a real delight! It deserves the reevaluation its gotten, and looking ahead I feel like this is gonna be the last good Arnold film. Uh oh! Watch it!
- Pronouns
- He/Him
That is truly one of the biggest missed opportunities of movie history .
Love the film though. It's not as great as Total Recall or T2 but that's a very high bar to be fair.
Phosphorescent Skeleton
It's a hard world for little things.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
It's true, had a giant smile on my face the entire time.
Spoilers for true lies: this sucks shit!
OP
OP
Clov
An ethernet cable girlfriend
- Pronouns
- She/Her
True Lies (1994)
Arnold's back in another James Cameron flick! Surely this is another absolute winner like the last two.
...
He does WHAT to Jamie Lee Curtis!?
To Cone a Phrase: 0/10. There's really not much to work with here, for reasons I'll get into later. You'd figure the guy who gave us "I'll Be Back" and "Hasta la Vista Baby" and "Chill Out, Dickweed" would be able to make something at least as memorable. Afraid not! What happened, James? What were you thinking? Like, "You're fired" is the best you can do? The Trump thing? Fuck that!
The Pump Factor: 0/10. Arnold's some sort of government goon here, wearing a suit or some sort of classic Dad outfit or something. I dunno. The Terminator films were pretty fantastic in this regard. Why not show off? Why drop the ball? I suspect it's because of the movie's other preoccupations, which I'll get into shortly.
What is Best in Life?: 5/10. There's a fantastic action scene where Arnold rides a horse into combat! They straight up blow up a bridge in this! I wish most of the movie had been that. But one of the biggest problems with this movie is the LACK of action. The movie is LONG, like 2 hours and 20 minutes long. But a HUGE portion of the runtime is wasted on this whole thing where Arnold's wife, Jamie Lee Curtis, having an affair with... Bill Paxton? The way this is handled is honestly really gross and creepy and... I'll save this for the next section.
The Governing Factor: 0/10. Ohhhhhh no. This is perhaps the least qualified of Arnold's characters so far. He stalks his wife when he finds out she's having an affair! He imprisons her in an interrogation room, threatens her with jail time, and forces her to talk about her sex life, in a scene that's supposed to be funny. In the film's most infamous scene (another scene played for laughs), he forces Jamie Lee Curtis to do a striptease in front of him, then makes her lie on a bed as he tries to kiss her. While all of this falls under the general misogyny typical of all conservatives, what's truly beyond the pale is his association with that cretin, Tom Arnold. The state would fall apart with this psychopath at the helm!
That is One Evil Dude: 0/10. The villains in this film are Bill Paxton playing a sleazy car salesman, and a terrorist group made up of evil Middle Eastern men. Bill Paxton is not even close to being Arnold's match in any capacity. The primary antagonists of this film are just a parade of racial stereotypes. In a scene meant to establish Jamie Lee Curtis' character gaining agency, she (I think this was also meant to be funny) guns down a group of foreigners. It's deeply unpleasant to watch.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10. I don't really remember him screaming that much. We're a far cry from the glory days of Predator, aren't we?
Overall: 5
Verdict: Boring and gross as hell! The few good action scenes here are not worth suffering through this garbage. I don't remember the last movie I watched that hated women to this extent. The sheer divorce energy is off the charts here. I'm honestly surprised we finished this. At least things are looking up with our next movie... Junior!? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
Arnold's back in another James Cameron flick! Surely this is another absolute winner like the last two.
...
He does WHAT to Jamie Lee Curtis!?
To Cone a Phrase: 0/10. There's really not much to work with here, for reasons I'll get into later. You'd figure the guy who gave us "I'll Be Back" and "Hasta la Vista Baby" and "Chill Out, Dickweed" would be able to make something at least as memorable. Afraid not! What happened, James? What were you thinking? Like, "You're fired" is the best you can do? The Trump thing? Fuck that!
The Pump Factor: 0/10. Arnold's some sort of government goon here, wearing a suit or some sort of classic Dad outfit or something. I dunno. The Terminator films were pretty fantastic in this regard. Why not show off? Why drop the ball? I suspect it's because of the movie's other preoccupations, which I'll get into shortly.
What is Best in Life?: 5/10. There's a fantastic action scene where Arnold rides a horse into combat! They straight up blow up a bridge in this! I wish most of the movie had been that. But one of the biggest problems with this movie is the LACK of action. The movie is LONG, like 2 hours and 20 minutes long. But a HUGE portion of the runtime is wasted on this whole thing where Arnold's wife, Jamie Lee Curtis, having an affair with... Bill Paxton? The way this is handled is honestly really gross and creepy and... I'll save this for the next section.
The Governing Factor: 0/10. Ohhhhhh no. This is perhaps the least qualified of Arnold's characters so far. He stalks his wife when he finds out she's having an affair! He imprisons her in an interrogation room, threatens her with jail time, and forces her to talk about her sex life, in a scene that's supposed to be funny. In the film's most infamous scene (another scene played for laughs), he forces Jamie Lee Curtis to do a striptease in front of him, then makes her lie on a bed as he tries to kiss her. While all of this falls under the general misogyny typical of all conservatives, what's truly beyond the pale is his association with that cretin, Tom Arnold. The state would fall apart with this psychopath at the helm!
That is One Evil Dude: 0/10. The villains in this film are Bill Paxton playing a sleazy car salesman, and a terrorist group made up of evil Middle Eastern men. Bill Paxton is not even close to being Arnold's match in any capacity. The primary antagonists of this film are just a parade of racial stereotypes. In a scene meant to establish Jamie Lee Curtis' character gaining agency, she (I think this was also meant to be funny) guns down a group of foreigners. It's deeply unpleasant to watch.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10. I don't really remember him screaming that much. We're a far cry from the glory days of Predator, aren't we?
Overall: 5
Verdict: Boring and gross as hell! The few good action scenes here are not worth suffering through this garbage. I don't remember the last movie I watched that hated women to this extent. The sheer divorce energy is off the charts here. I'm honestly surprised we finished this. At least things are looking up with our next movie... Junior!? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
Phosphorescent Skeleton
It's a hard world for little things.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
True Lies (1994) [Dir. James Camera]
To Cone a Phrase: 0/10
Every line in this movie was written by a man who evidently saw charm and promise in Tom Arnold. A man like this cannot be trusted to write a good script. Bill Paxton has a line so disgusting I wanted to throw myself at the TV. Speaking of talking, this movie is mega racist. One of the subtly insidious things it does is have the Arabic only subtitled when a white character speaks it.
The Pump Factor: 0/10
The tyranny of wearing a shirt continues. Its like they forgot why Arnold was popular to begin with.
What is Best in Life?: 5/10
Credit where it is due, some good action when it decides to not be a parade of misogynistic shit. James Camera does it. There's an action scene on a horse thats a perfect piece of cinema. Sadly you have to wait an hour to get another action scene.
The Governing Factor: 0/10
Morally this might be Arnold's most fucked up character, so I guess he's the most believable as a politician (gottem, yass queen, slay
that's the tea!).
That is One Evil Dude: 0/10
I disagree with using nukes, but the terrorists here are pissed about American military intervention and imperialism, so hard to get to mad at them. No one in this movie is as evil as Tom Arnold, and he is Lauraled with the Glory of a hero!
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10
We don't even get this. I'm tired of writing this review. If you like this, fuck you.
Overall: 0/10
Verdict: I know it got 5 in one category, but fuck it. This is the most morally bankrupt piece of trash I've seen all year, and I own several Something Weird blurays and I watched the new Mario movie and every Bay Transformers this year.
To Cone a Phrase: 0/10
Every line in this movie was written by a man who evidently saw charm and promise in Tom Arnold. A man like this cannot be trusted to write a good script. Bill Paxton has a line so disgusting I wanted to throw myself at the TV. Speaking of talking, this movie is mega racist. One of the subtly insidious things it does is have the Arabic only subtitled when a white character speaks it.
The Pump Factor: 0/10
The tyranny of wearing a shirt continues. Its like they forgot why Arnold was popular to begin with.
What is Best in Life?: 5/10
Credit where it is due, some good action when it decides to not be a parade of misogynistic shit. James Camera does it. There's an action scene on a horse thats a perfect piece of cinema. Sadly you have to wait an hour to get another action scene.
The Governing Factor: 0/10
Morally this might be Arnold's most fucked up character, so I guess he's the most believable as a politician (gottem, yass queen, slay
that's the tea!).That is One Evil Dude: 0/10
I disagree with using nukes, but the terrorists here are pissed about American military intervention and imperialism, so hard to get to mad at them. No one in this movie is as evil as Tom Arnold, and he is Lauraled with the Glory of a hero!
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10
We don't even get this. I'm tired of writing this review. If you like this, fuck you.
Overall: 0/10
Verdict: I know it got 5 in one category, but fuck it. This is the most morally bankrupt piece of trash I've seen all year, and I own several Something Weird blurays and I watched the new Mario movie and every Bay Transformers this year.
- Pronouns
- he/him
I'm so glad we got these True Lies reviews...and the scores landed around where I expected 
I remember this movie being weirdly popular at my house growing up? Having watched it a year or two ago, I kind of couldn't believe I sat through this movie a million times as a kid. It's a bad film! And it's boring! Not even Tim Heidecker would give this five bags of popcorn. I consider this the moment when James Cameron's career officially rose above any studio scrutiny. I'm not sure anybody else could have sold a two and a half hour "action" movie with not a lot of action and actually like 2/3 of the movie is about stalking your wife. Like what the fuck! Not even Bill Paxton can rise above
I will say one thing RE: Cones of Phrase in this film. Arnie knocking a man unconscious via urinal, flushing it with his face in it and telling him to "Cool off" was a big hit when I was like 10 years old. That probably says more about me than anything though.
This Arnold sojourn has convinced me I must watch one of his films in 4K this evening. Righteously, this film isn't available in 4K!
I remember this movie being weirdly popular at my house growing up? Having watched it a year or two ago, I kind of couldn't believe I sat through this movie a million times as a kid. It's a bad film! And it's boring! Not even Tim Heidecker would give this five bags of popcorn. I consider this the moment when James Cameron's career officially rose above any studio scrutiny. I'm not sure anybody else could have sold a two and a half hour "action" movie with not a lot of action and actually like 2/3 of the movie is about stalking your wife. Like what the fuck! Not even Bill Paxton can rise aboveI will say one thing RE: Cones of Phrase in this film. Arnie knocking a man unconscious via urinal, flushing it with his face in it and telling him to "Cool off" was a big hit when I was like 10 years old. That probably says more about me than anything though.
Lmao this is the absolute perfect way to describe this movie
I never noticed this before, that's wild.
This Arnold sojourn has convinced me I must watch one of his films in 4K this evening. Righteously, this film isn't available in 4K!
OP
OP
Clov
An ethernet cable girlfriend
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Junior (1994)
Arnold's back in another... "comedy" from "film director" Ivan "Reitman". This one has the "side-splitting" premise of, "what if a man could get pregnant?" This being the 1990s, people were far too busy punching down on trans women to even THINK about trans men. I already know this isn't going to be a good movie. The question is, will it be "literally one joke" bad like Twins, or "unbearably awful" like Kindergarten Cop?
...as I'm typing this part right now, we've just gone past 28 minutes in the film. Like Arnold just said, I don't know how much more of this I can take.
To Cone a Phrase: 0/10. He says "My Body, My Choice" as his one-liner. Hm.
The Pump Factor: 10/10. While Arnold is mostly wearing regular clothing in this film that hides his muscles, he does get pregnant. Many people have posited that having an embryo implanted into you by Danny DeVito is the ultimate pump...
What is Best in Life?: 0/10. Another Ivan Reitman atrocity. As usual, cinematic violence inflicted on all of his viewers. It's kind of amazing just how BORING this movie is. There's so many long sections of just... people talking. The jokes here range from "a nerdy girl trips over!" to "Arnold getting pregnant is making him act like a woman!" The latter jokes are the most groanworthy. Arnold starts caring about how he should dress, he starts acting "emotional", he starts staying home and cooking. Such hacky stuff. The strangest part, that had my jaw drop, was Danny DeVito commenting on Arnold's... essence under a microscope. Shocking!
The Governing Factor: 0/10. It's impossible for me to tell whether Arnold's character is pro-choice or anti-abortion. I'm too drunk at this point to think through the nuances and politics of the Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnancy film.
That is One Evil Dude: 0/10. The villain (Skeletor from the Masters of the Universe film) is some evil bureaucrat or something. He wants to get in Arnold's way and take his baby or something? Or take credit? I don't know. He's not funny and he's not enough of an asshole to make him being taken down a peg satisfying. Dull and unremarkable.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10. I was the only one who wanted to scream here. A whole movie based on a premise that's just... like, this shouldn't be shocking! Yes, men can get pregnant! Trans people exist, this should be obvious! But this is what we get with Ivan Reitman. The most vanilla, cishet version of male pregnancy that I can think of. It's boring and mostly a series of sexist jokes and occasional homophobia. One point where I was surprised Reitman showed restraint was not going into (and making jokes about) the other changes Arnold's body would undergo on his high estrogen dosage; but it's not really restraint, is it? I think he just literally didn't know. What a dumbass!
Overall: 0 (-10 for terf talking point)
Verdict: Hooting and hollering when the evil guy's assistant mentions that Arnold's estrogen supplements are consistent with those meant for "someone undergoing a sex change"
Hissing and jeering when Arnold's love interest busts out a terf argument against him
Rot in hell Reitman!
Arnold's back in another... "comedy" from "film director" Ivan "Reitman". This one has the "side-splitting" premise of, "what if a man could get pregnant?" This being the 1990s, people were far too busy punching down on trans women to even THINK about trans men. I already know this isn't going to be a good movie. The question is, will it be "literally one joke" bad like Twins, or "unbearably awful" like Kindergarten Cop?
...as I'm typing this part right now, we've just gone past 28 minutes in the film. Like Arnold just said, I don't know how much more of this I can take.
To Cone a Phrase: 0/10. He says "My Body, My Choice" as his one-liner. Hm.
The Pump Factor: 10/10. While Arnold is mostly wearing regular clothing in this film that hides his muscles, he does get pregnant. Many people have posited that having an embryo implanted into you by Danny DeVito is the ultimate pump...
What is Best in Life?: 0/10. Another Ivan Reitman atrocity. As usual, cinematic violence inflicted on all of his viewers. It's kind of amazing just how BORING this movie is. There's so many long sections of just... people talking. The jokes here range from "a nerdy girl trips over!" to "Arnold getting pregnant is making him act like a woman!" The latter jokes are the most groanworthy. Arnold starts caring about how he should dress, he starts acting "emotional", he starts staying home and cooking. Such hacky stuff. The strangest part, that had my jaw drop, was Danny DeVito commenting on Arnold's... essence under a microscope. Shocking!
The Governing Factor: 0/10. It's impossible for me to tell whether Arnold's character is pro-choice or anti-abortion. I'm too drunk at this point to think through the nuances and politics of the Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnancy film.
That is One Evil Dude: 0/10. The villain (Skeletor from the Masters of the Universe film) is some evil bureaucrat or something. He wants to get in Arnold's way and take his baby or something? Or take credit? I don't know. He's not funny and he's not enough of an asshole to make him being taken down a peg satisfying. Dull and unremarkable.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10. I was the only one who wanted to scream here. A whole movie based on a premise that's just... like, this shouldn't be shocking! Yes, men can get pregnant! Trans people exist, this should be obvious! But this is what we get with Ivan Reitman. The most vanilla, cishet version of male pregnancy that I can think of. It's boring and mostly a series of sexist jokes and occasional homophobia. One point where I was surprised Reitman showed restraint was not going into (and making jokes about) the other changes Arnold's body would undergo on his high estrogen dosage; but it's not really restraint, is it? I think he just literally didn't know. What a dumbass!
Overall: 0 (-10 for terf talking point)
Verdict: Hooting and hollering when the evil guy's assistant mentions that Arnold's estrogen supplements are consistent with those meant for "someone undergoing a sex change"
Hissing and jeering when Arnold's love interest busts out a terf argument against him
Rot in hell Reitman!
Phosphorescent Skeleton
It's a hard world for little things.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Junior (1994) [Ivan Wrongman]
To Cone a Phrase: 0/10
This is Arnold at his least charismatic. Dreadful. Every line is like wood, like cold ashes across my brain. I'm dying. Am I still watching Junior, does Junior ever end. What have we done, where am I? What's this on the back of the dvd case
They Will Make Cemeteries Their Cathedrals
And The Cities Will Be Your Tombs
The Pump Factor: 10/10
Arnold plays a pencil necked geek nerd, but in some ways pregnancy is the ultimate pump. He also does another pump that REALLY impresses Danny Devito. Really reminded me of his famous quotr from Pumping Iron...
What is Best in Life?: 0/10
The only violence here is against the audience. That might be a bit alof a hack joke, but that's all this movie is worth, and its funnier than any joke in this movie.
The Governing Factor: 0/10
Arnold plays an unethical scientists. So I guess not. I don't care, this is getting a zero. Did you know Roger Ebert gave this 3 and one half stars, a half star from perfect??? And he hated the original Japanese Godzilla and Lucio Fulci's The Beyond and Eraserhead and Blue Velvet. What a hack!
That is One Evil Dude: 0/10
There isn't really a villain here. Well, there's an FDA beauracrat who doesn't want our heroes testing untest, experimental drugs on human subjects. Ivan Reitman also took an anti regulation stance in Ghostbusters, once named the greatest republican movie of all time. Hmmmmmmm. Ivan Reitman is the bastard hound that tortures my life. I'm glad he's dead and burning in hell.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10
This category is hard to write for. Arnold is a soft spoken nerd, not much yelling. I was yelling. Also, this is the straightest mpreg movie imaginable.
Overall: 0/60 (-10 points for using terf talking points)
Verdict: "Woe be unto him who opens one of the seven gateways to Hell, because through that gateway, evil will invade the world."
To Cone a Phrase: 0/10
This is Arnold at his least charismatic. Dreadful. Every line is like wood, like cold ashes across my brain. I'm dying. Am I still watching Junior, does Junior ever end. What have we done, where am I? What's this on the back of the dvd case
They Will Make Cemeteries Their Cathedrals
And The Cities Will Be Your Tombs
The Pump Factor: 10/10
Arnold plays a pencil necked geek nerd, but in some ways pregnancy is the ultimate pump. He also does another pump that REALLY impresses Danny Devito. Really reminded me of his famous quotr from Pumping Iron...
What is Best in Life?: 0/10
The only violence here is against the audience. That might be a bit alof a hack joke, but that's all this movie is worth, and its funnier than any joke in this movie.
The Governing Factor: 0/10
Arnold plays an unethical scientists. So I guess not. I don't care, this is getting a zero. Did you know Roger Ebert gave this 3 and one half stars, a half star from perfect??? And he hated the original Japanese Godzilla and Lucio Fulci's The Beyond and Eraserhead and Blue Velvet. What a hack!
That is One Evil Dude: 0/10
There isn't really a villain here. Well, there's an FDA beauracrat who doesn't want our heroes testing untest, experimental drugs on human subjects. Ivan Reitman also took an anti regulation stance in Ghostbusters, once named the greatest republican movie of all time. Hmmmmmmm. Ivan Reitman is the bastard hound that tortures my life. I'm glad he's dead and burning in hell.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10
This category is hard to write for. Arnold is a soft spoken nerd, not much yelling. I was yelling. Also, this is the straightest mpreg movie imaginable.
Overall: 0/60 (-10 points for using terf talking points)
Verdict: "Woe be unto him who opens one of the seven gateways to Hell, because through that gateway, evil will invade the world."
- Pronouns
- He/Him
This is the first movie you reviewed so far that I don't even vaguely remember. Probably for the better tbh.
Ivan Wrongman strikes again, I'm sorry you had to sit through this, even if it makes for very entertaining reads.
Ivan Wrongman strikes again, I'm sorry you had to sit through this, even if it makes for very entertaining reads.
Asking once again: How to Yahaha! a post twice?
PixelKnight
Observing the process
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Seems like all the action sci-fi/fantasy stuff remains quality but the stuff set in modern day is emblematic of the attitudes of the time, made even worse by being immediately signed off on due to the rep of the directors and star?
Are you both gonna check out End of Days? I remember liking its action elements but again it’s full of misogynistic crap. Haven’t seen it since release though.
I tend to associate it with a lot of stuff that came out in the run up to the millenium- you had that, the Matrix, Strange Days, Existenz, Dark City, all setting out this really nihilistic tone for fantasy/action/sci-fi between 1995-1999.
Are you both gonna check out End of Days? I remember liking its action elements but again it’s full of misogynistic crap. Haven’t seen it since release though.
I tend to associate it with a lot of stuff that came out in the run up to the millenium- you had that, the Matrix, Strange Days, Existenz, Dark City, all setting out this really nihilistic tone for fantasy/action/sci-fi between 1995-1999.
Phosphorescent Skeleton
It's a hard world for little things.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
It's true, and for the most part 80s Arnold made great choices, mostly staring in big budget, smart, high concept genre stuff. Even Commando is a tongue in cheek action film. By the 90s though, things went south quickly. Also, End of Days is on the list.
OP
OP
Clov
An ethernet cable girlfriend
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Eraser (1996)
1996... the year of Super Mario 64. The year of Dragon Ball GT. The year of... Eraser...?
To Cone a Phrase: 7/10. He has a great one liner after he shoots a crocodile! He also has "He Caught a Train" after one of the funniest kills in Arnold's career. And "You've Just Been Erased" is pretty good on its own too! Not the best, not the worst. This part kept me awake!
The Pump Factor: 0/10. Arnold plays some Witness Protection guy so he just wears cop stuff. No showing off here, and nothing to say. Feel like going to bed.
What is Best in Life?: 5/10. The movie peaks pretty early in a scene where Arnold dodges an airplane while falling through the sky, and a scene where he fights a CGI crocodile. Otherwise it's pretty standard. Thumbs up to Arnold's fantastic final kill in the movie, where he traps his enemies inside a limo stuck on train tracks. The train collides and the limo goes up in a glorious explosion. Wonderful! If only the rest of the movie weren't so... sleepy. Like me.
The Governing Factor: 3/10. I mean, he's a cop and government goon. Not good. But on the plus side, he helps out an Italian union! That's something! But don't you, as voters, deserve better? Certainly yes! You need someone awake at the wheel! Not like me writing this!
That is One Evil Dude: 5/10. He's like, some guy I guess. He's a corrupt witness protection cop or something, he wants to sell weapons? I dunno, I didn't understand his plan. His henchmen have railguns which are really cool and shoot CGI smoke. I liked that part. The actor seemed like he was really sleepwalking through this one. Sleep sounds good about now.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10. There's a few good ones here! Some pretty decent "AUUUGGHHHHHS", but it seems like Arnold just isn't giving this his all anymore. It's like he's tired, or sleepy. So sleepy....
Overall: 25
Verdict: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
1996... the year of Super Mario 64. The year of Dragon Ball GT. The year of... Eraser...?
To Cone a Phrase: 7/10. He has a great one liner after he shoots a crocodile! He also has "He Caught a Train" after one of the funniest kills in Arnold's career. And "You've Just Been Erased" is pretty good on its own too! Not the best, not the worst. This part kept me awake!
The Pump Factor: 0/10. Arnold plays some Witness Protection guy so he just wears cop stuff. No showing off here, and nothing to say. Feel like going to bed.
What is Best in Life?: 5/10. The movie peaks pretty early in a scene where Arnold dodges an airplane while falling through the sky, and a scene where he fights a CGI crocodile. Otherwise it's pretty standard. Thumbs up to Arnold's fantastic final kill in the movie, where he traps his enemies inside a limo stuck on train tracks. The train collides and the limo goes up in a glorious explosion. Wonderful! If only the rest of the movie weren't so... sleepy. Like me.
The Governing Factor: 3/10. I mean, he's a cop and government goon. Not good. But on the plus side, he helps out an Italian union! That's something! But don't you, as voters, deserve better? Certainly yes! You need someone awake at the wheel! Not like me writing this!
That is One Evil Dude: 5/10. He's like, some guy I guess. He's a corrupt witness protection cop or something, he wants to sell weapons? I dunno, I didn't understand his plan. His henchmen have railguns which are really cool and shoot CGI smoke. I liked that part. The actor seemed like he was really sleepwalking through this one. Sleep sounds good about now.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10. There's a few good ones here! Some pretty decent "AUUUGGHHHHHS", but it seems like Arnold just isn't giving this his all anymore. It's like he's tired, or sleepy. So sleepy....
Overall: 25
Verdict: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Phosphorescent Skeleton
It's a hard world for little things.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Eraser (1996)
To Cone a Phrase: 7/10
He kilts a croco and says "you are luggage"
Hock heck
That's good
Not great, but, uhhhhbbh, its good
He tells someone, "get erasered idiot" and a train hits them and he says "get trained idiot" wow
The Pump Factor: 0/10
Arnold is no longer pumpin'. I fear after managing the rare pregnancy pump, he simply found there were no more worlds to conquer.
What is Best in Life?: 5/10
Decent, but nothing great and not enough, he fights alligators, theres a crazy sf rail gun, he fights a jet. Again, good but not great.
The Governing Factor: 3/10
He's a cop and hes mobbed up as hell, but he's prounion.
That is One Evil Dude: 5/10
A cop frames another cop, and peope are still afraid of the soviet union 5 years after it dissolved same as it ever was. Love to see Arnold Erase.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10
Just a little, its fine, he does it again, playing the hits but not as good. Yawn.
Overall: 25/60
Verdict: store brand movie. Coulda skipped this one, but not angry I saw it, I guess.
To Cone a Phrase: 7/10
He kilts a croco and says "you are luggage"
Hock heck
That's good
Not great, but, uhhhhbbh, its good
He tells someone, "get erasered idiot" and a train hits them and he says "get trained idiot" wow
The Pump Factor: 0/10
Arnold is no longer pumpin'. I fear after managing the rare pregnancy pump, he simply found there were no more worlds to conquer.
What is Best in Life?: 5/10
Decent, but nothing great and not enough, he fights alligators, theres a crazy sf rail gun, he fights a jet. Again, good but not great.
The Governing Factor: 3/10
He's a cop and hes mobbed up as hell, but he's prounion.
That is One Evil Dude: 5/10
A cop frames another cop, and peope are still afraid of the soviet union 5 years after it dissolved same as it ever was. Love to see Arnold Erase.
I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10
Just a little, its fine, he does it again, playing the hits but not as good. Yawn.
Overall: 25/60
Verdict: store brand movie. Coulda skipped this one, but not angry I saw it, I guess.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
