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Film The Summer of Schwarzenegger |ST| If he's in it, we can watch it

Clov

Clov

An ethernet cable girlfriend
Pronouns
She/Her
arnold-schwarzenegger-predator-1-1108x0-c-default.jpg



A spectre is haunting Famiboards; the Spectre of Schwarzenegger! That's right. That time of year has come once again. The Summer of Schwarzenegger, where the beautiful and talented @Phosphorescent Skeleton and I will review, on a purely objective standpoint, the selected films of Arnold. Yes, THAT Arnold. As one might expect of a film review thread, we will be using the traditional 60 point scale, with tailor made categories, to more accurately measure the quality of the former governor's cinematic legacy. So, what are those categories? Well, we have...

To Cone a Phrase: Arnold is well known for wit above all. A modern Shakespeare or Nabokov. It is often said 25% of the modern English language was first uttered by Arnold after killing a ninja or something.

The Pump Factor: Second only to Arnold's massive wit are his massive pecs. The camera loves him, baby! But how much? How much focus does Arnold's parody of the human form, like a child's understanding of musculature, recieve throughout the film?

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What is Best in Life?: When efforts towards peace and negotiation fail (as they often do in Arnold's films), he must reluctantly resort to violence, to the pleasure of nobody. But how violent is the film? Is the film violent towards Arnold's heinous enemies (camels), or are they violent towards the fragile psyches of the film-going public?

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The Governing Factor: Not many know this, but Arnold was briefly the governor of California. Yes, I know, it's hard to imagine! Would the myriad dramatis personae be fit for governance?

That is One Evil Dude: Where there is light, there must also be shadow. History has many famous rivalries: George Washington and his hated cherry trees, Batman and Calendar Man, God and Old Scratch, and finally, Arnold and... we'll see. His rogues gallery changes from film to film, but how much of a serious threat are these goons against our musclebound deity?

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: "AHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGG!" - Arnold

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Without further ado... let the Summer games begin.

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"The stogie-man cometh!" - Arnold "Big Boy" Schwarzenegger
 
There better be Batman Forever among those movies you review :LOL:

Nothing says summer quite like shitty wonderful ice puns. Though I suppose not really a Schwarzenegger movie.
 
Pumping Iron (1977)

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One of the first films to make Arnold famous, Pumping Iron is a very 1970s documentary about bodybuilders. You know those documentarians were absolutely ecstatic to have found a person as WEIRD as Arnold is to make a movie around!

To Cone a Phrase: 6/10. Arnold doesn't have any one-liners here, as it's a documentary, and usually real people don't have witty one-liners. He does however, have an absolutely insane speech where he compares the feeling he gets working out to climaxing, which has got to count for something. Unforgettable.

The Pump Factor: 10/10. This entire movie is ABOUT Arnold's muscles, they are constantly on display, whether to just the camera or to other people. There's some very strong homoerotic tension in the bodybuilder scene, as one would expect. You can see this most prominently when Lou Ferrigno is lifting huge weights and shouting Arnold's name at the end of each rep. He really lived in Lou's head rent free, huh?

What is Best in Life?: 10/10. Arnold doesn't go apeshit and kill anyone here, despite being able to do with ease, most likely due to not being a complete psychopath. However, the psychological damage he inflicts on his opponents is immense. The way he gets into Lou Ferrigno's head, the little comments he says to him while training, chip away at him, and you can tell. Delightfully devilish, Arnold!

The Governing Factor: 0/10. Though he demonstrates all the qualities one would expect of a politician, and truly is the "Starscream" of this film, Arnold is playing himself, and Arnold is a republican, which automatically gives him 0/10. I'm sure some of you will try to convince me "he's not that bad!" compared to whatever literal hellspawn is running now, but I say a republican is a republican. Too bad!

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. Arnold himself is the villain of this film, and he's a delight to watch. Completely and utterly confident in himself, desiring nothing but victory and the psychological destruction of all those who oppose him. Lou Ferrigno would go to be The Hulk, but Arnold would be The Terminator, The Commando, The Twins, and the Kindergarten Cop. Sometimes, evil pays.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10. He does not scream, though his opponents scream internally and eternally.

Total: 36

Verdict: An entertaining documentary starring a charismatic and bizarre subject in a strange subculture.
 
Pumping Iron (1977)

To Cone a Phrase: 6/10
No real one liners here, but Arnold's insane speech about how the pump makes him feel like he's, well, achieving one of the most infamous earthly pleasures is something I'll be thinking about for the rest of my life.

The Pump Factor: 10/10
Nonstop pump action here and its absolutely disgusting. These guys look like sausages full of ballons stuffed with smooth rock, and the camera will not look away. There is absolutely a freak show aspect to the body building subculture presented here, but these dudes seem mostly totally into it.

What is Best in Life?: 10/10
The only real violence here is the absolutely brutal psychological violence that Arnold unleases on Lou Ferrigno. Arnold is strong in body, yes, but he is a 5 star general of mental warfare. And he certainly sees his enemies driven before him.

The Governing Factor: 0/10
Arnold is a republican, and republicans are somehow even worse at governance than democrats (she doesn't care who's toes she steps on!) so a 0 is the only option.

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
Snidley Whiplash, Dark Invader, people who talk in the theater...and Arnold. These are the greatest villians of the cinema, and like all villians we love him and his capering, we secretly want him to win over the hero, and for once he does.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10
He's too cool and collected and calculating. He tells a story about sabotaging an opponent by telling him to scream when he poses. Arnold would later take this advice and apply it to cinema to great success. We love this bastard.

Overall: 36

Verdict: What if Herzog was not quite as talented?
 
hell yes

my suggestion is Robert Altman’s The Long Goodbye, a movie that Arnold is definitely in
 
This is the clearly the most important and best topic on the site. I'll be reading this insatiably
 
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
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The popular Marvel character hits the big screen in this now Walt Disney owned classic! But how does this swords and sandals extravaganza stack up?

To Cone a Phrase: 8/10. Arnold has that great speech about Krom just before the film's climax that's an all time classic. "To hell with you!" Still, it would have been nice to display some of Arnold's trademark wit after killing some guys instead of before.

The Pump Factor: 10/10. Arnold spends a great deal of this movie either shirtless or with an incomplete shirt on. You get plenty of shots of his massive muscles, which have receded to "regular strong guy" levels from the "Popeye's Nightmare" level they were at in Pumping Iron.

What is Best in Life?: 10/10. Heads rolls, guys get stabbed, a big snake gets the SHIT kicked out of it. If you're here for the violence, there's little to disappoint! You want to see Arnold kill a ton of guys with a sword? Well, he does it! He even gets high off lotuses and punches a camel! It know what it did.

The Governing Factor: 10/10. It's a well known fact that Conan eventually becomes king. He's said to be a wise ruler, and I don't see why he couldn't run California the way he runs his kingdom. What's the worst that could happen?

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. Thulsa Doom, played by James Earl Jones in one of his best roles. Doom is every bit Conan's opposite; he loves giant snakes instead of hating them, and he believes that having control over the brainwashed members of his cult makes him powerful. Conan however, understands that decapitating people is perhaps stronger than the power of snake magic.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10. The first noise Arnold makes in this movie, before he even speaks, is a "Auuuughhhhhh!!!" noise while he's fighting in a gladiator match. You get a few more of these throughout the movie and they're just as funny every time.

Overall: 58

Verdict: One of my favorite Arnold films. A really fun time if you want some pulpy fantasy!
 
Conan Th÷ Barbarian (1982)

To Cone a Phrase: 8/10
No quips here, most of the movie harnesses the visual power of silent film to beautiful effect, but Conan's answer to what is best in life and his speech about Crom are both rightfully iconic.

The Pump Factor: 10/10
Arnold is shredded like lettuce, but isn't the grotesque parody of muscle he was in Pumping Iron. He looks great and is mostly shirtless. I'm not into men, but I can't say I don't get it with this beefy boy.

What is Best in Life?: 10/10
Dynamic violence. Hacking and slashing. Tricks and traps. Beheadings and snake stabbings and boiling dudes with bubbly cauldron soup. A camel is punched. The Marvel heroes could never.

The Governing Factor: 10/10
Conan is said to have been the greatest king of Aqualonia. Certainly an improvement on that bastard Osric.

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
James Earl Jones delivering career best work as Thulsa Doom. Better than Vader because we don't have to pretend he's some lame white guy. He turns into a snake and is sad about his pet. Best voice in the biz.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10
Every parody of Arnold's weird mouth noises is right. He really does sound like that and its here at the begining.

Overall: 58

Verdict: Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, Conan, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!

PS: if you're wondering why we didn't do Hercules in New York, fuck off.
 
Big shoutout to the music from Conan, too, it's an incredible film score that really gets a chance to shine during a lot of the more silent, long shots
 
Conan the Destroyer (1984)
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Conan is back, and he's faster than ever! In this new cinematic adventure, he must face his deadliest foes yet, including a wizard that can turn into an ape-monster. But how does this sequel stack up the original classic?

To Cone a Phrase: 0/10. Big letdown in this area! Not even a single good one-liner despite how many guys get hacked and slashed. Not even a cool speech like at the end of the original! It's weird, because he talks a lot more in this one compared to the first movie, but he just doesn't have anything interesting to say. That's a barbarian for you.

The Pump Factor: 10/10. Everything I wrote about the first movie also applies here. Conan is mostly shirtless, and every sculpted inch of Arnold's upper body is on full display. And he loves to pose with his sword WHILE flexing his muscles. The cameras love him!

What is Best in Life?: 10/10. Heads fly, people are stabbed, a guy tries to bite Conan's ear off, Conan tears out a horn from a Lovecraftian horror. But most importantly, he hits that awful camel again after its futile attempt at revenge, and the movie does point out and makes sure we're aware that it IS the same camel as the one in the first movie. May that horrible creature never triumph.

The Governing Factor: 10/10. Everything I said about the last movie applies here. Conan is destined to be king, and he even avoids taking the easy way out at the end of the film, since he wants his own kingdom and queen. You gotta respect it!

That is One Evil Dude: 5/10. There's not really a strong villain in this film. There's the guy Wilt Chamberlain plays, but he's mostly helping Conan throughout the film, and it doesn't help that he can't act. There's some evil lady who's really forgettable. The highlights are the ape-wizard and the Cthulhu creature, which are the most exciting parts of the film. Sadly the lack of a good central antagonist hurts the movie.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10. He does it!

Overall: 45

Verdict: While it fails to reach the heights of the original, this movie is actually pretty fun! It's like watching someone's D&D campaign. Conan's got a lot of fun pals in this one. That thief is really annoying though. I thought I remembered him dying the last time I watched it, but that was just my wishful thinking.

Oh, and it turns out I was wrong! The first movie isn't owned by Fox; Fox only had the international distribution rights. I think that means it's free of Disney's goopy clutches. And speaking of the comics, did you know that Marvel got the Conan license back a few years ago, and bungled it so badly that they dropped it at the end of last year or something? They tried to make him an Avenger? Wild.
 
Conan the Destoyer

To Cone a Phrase: 0/10
Conan has a lot more dialog this time around, and he kills a bunch of people, but not a single clever phrase slips those beautiful lips. Mores the pity...

The Pump Factor: 10/10
Conan reaches new levels of not wearing a shirt in this film, and his pecks are more at their inflated watermelon bulging. You eve nsee his veins achieve the pump several times. Guess he had fun making this!

What is Best in Life?: 10/10
He kills some guys, he punches a horse and a camel, he kills a fucked up ape mirror wizard, he kills basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain, he kills a god dang cthulhu. You do the math!

The Governing Factor: 5/10
While the previous movie got a perfect score here, the end this time mentions he wore his crown upon a troubled brow. This has me worried. Maybe it said that in the last movie too, I was pretty drunk and enthralled by the cinema.

That is One Evil Dude: 5/10
That is one evil...girl!?! Some cool sub bosses (Cape Ape, Camel, Basketball Legend), but no real compelling central villian. Thulsa Doom is an all timer, but I can't even remember the name of the very evil lady here. She has some fantastic outfits, but her only motivation is to summon a cool looking but weak knock off Dagon.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10
It can't be said enough times: he really does make those noises.

Overall: 40/60

Verdict: this movie is wrongly hated. Its a stepdown from the first one, sure, but its a fun pulpy fantasy film with nifty action and effects. Feels like any number of Italian Conan knock offs, but with a bigger budget than those could ever dream of. Also feels closer to the source material tbh. Watch it!
 
Did something similar with my flatmates about a decade ago and it was a blast. As someone who, shall we say, is able to perceive beyond quality (i.e. has bad taste), I realised there's a long period of '80s and '90s Arnie films I am basically guaranteed to have a good time with.

For your consideration...The Running Man.

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Paula Abdul choreographed the dance sequences in this. Also remember him being primo beefcake material in the sauna part of Red Heat.
 
The Terminator (1984)

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One of Arnold's most enduring roles, and what made him popular along with Conan. Everyone knows this movie is amazing already; but on a purely objective level, how amazing is it compared to his other roles? Well, let's see...

To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. Some of Arnold's most iconic lines are introduced here! It's funny, because his delivery on "I'll be back" is very understated compared to the half-baked impression of it you see your awful friends/relatives do.

The Pump Factor: 10/10. Do you see that picture I used here? I mean, just look at that! Plus he arrives completely naked, giving you a full view of his frankly terrifying appearance. Have this on Blu-Ray? Don't look too closely when he first approaches the gang of punks from afar. Or do!

What is Best in Life?: 10/10. One of the first things Arnold does in this film is literally tear out a man's heart with his fist. That moment alone tells you that this is gonna be a good one. There's a lot of blasting going on here. If you love shouting "Officer down!", you're going to love the middle of this film!

The Governing Factor: 10/10. We got robots making "art", robots writing "scripts", robots "driving cars", and you think a robot running California would turn out just fine? Well, maybe this time will be different. I say we get give him a shot!

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. He is one cold, evil dude. He may have killed a ton of cops, but he also killed some girl who just wanted to make the world's greatest sandwich. His character is portrayed like a slasher villain at first, before they reveal that he's some sort of unstoppable killing machine. There's so many fake-out deaths for him too! At least 3. And they're all REALLY cool!

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10. Being a killing machine unmoved by any sort of emotion, he doesn't scream even once. The question of whether a robot can learn to scream would go onto be what drives the sequel, Terminator 2 Judgment Day.

Overall: 50

Verdict: Get your ass to TechNoir!
 
The Terminator (1984) [Dir. James Camera]

To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
Folks, he does nothing but cone phrases here. Basically every line of dialogue is eligible for some shitty listicle like "The Governators Top 100 Most Epic One-Liners". And of course we get his most famous and quoted line..."Fuck you, asshole." Quote!

The Pump Factor: 10/10
Arnold is at his slimest here, which means his pecks merely look like properly inflated hams. He surpasses shirtlessness here and enters the realm of pure nudity. The eagle eyed viewer can well, see it all if you know when to look. Also he pumps a bunch of shot guns. Wow!

What is Best in Life?: 10/10
Arnold is a machine of violence. He punches through a guy! He kills Dick Miller! He gets crushed in a hydraulic press. This is pure kenetic punishment of bodies human and otherwise. Bam!

The Governing Factor: 10/10
I disagree with his murdering Dick Miller policy, but fully support his killing 1,000 cops policy. That's the kind of fresh new thinking this city needs. Vote!

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
We reach a philosophical quandary with this one. Can a robot be evil? Well of course they can, all robots are evil. There's not a sin a robot wouldn't commit for they have no fear of the fires of hell. Also, the terminator kill a bunch of people who aren't cops and thats a drag (well not for the viewer, it cool to watch). The patrons of TechNoir didn't deserve that. New Wave!

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10
My heart is breaking. Arnold is a cold machine who does not scream. Also, Harlan Ellison has a credit here because he claimed James Camera ripped him off. Dude loved spurious lawsuits, hope he doesn't sue us from beyond the grave for referencing one of his short stories. What an asshole. You know what, fuck that guy, to spite him I'm bumping my score to 10! Rot in hell, you old bastard! Creep!

Overall: 60/60

Verdict: Gonna be hard to top this one, but I totally recall at least one of his movies being this good.
 
Red Sonja (1985)

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In this spin-off of the Conan movies (where Arnold, confusingly enough, doesn't play Conan), a homophobic warrior woman named Red Sonja must learn to trust and love men to defeat the awesome power of homosexuality. ...hm.

To Cone a Phrase: 0/10. Arnold, who plays more of a supporting role in this film, is at a true loss for words. He has nothing interesting to do, let alone say. This movie is a poor match for his infinite wit.


The Pump Factor: 2/10. Arnold wears a shirt that covers a great deal of his musculature, and the camera doesn't focus on him very much. Worse yet, in some scenes he wears a cloak to cover up his arms! This film is truly committed to taking all pleasure away from it's viewers. Nothing to see here.


What is Best in Life?: 2/10. Hardly any blood. What action that's here is limp and badly staged. He spars with Red Sonja because he supposedly wants to sleep with her, but it doesn't look like he really tries. I wouldn't either. Red Sonja is boring and annoying. You can do better, Arnold.


The Governing Factor: 0/10. Arnold's goal here is to kill a lesbian and to convince Red Sonja that she should sleep with him. An average Republican, in other words, meaning this is an automatic zero. Better luck next time, loser!


That is One Evil Dude: 2/10. The villain here is a lesbian, so I gotta respect that! Sadly she can't act and is mostly uninteresting. She also has an Alchemist who looks like Frank Zappa, so an extra point for that.


I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10. You call that screaming!? A few half-hearted yelps!? He wasn't even trying to sound like he was in any kind of mortal peril. Not even when wrestling a robot fish monster! If Arnold can't manage to be excited about this, how can I?

Overall: 6

Verdict: Honk shu honk shu, what could have been an easy slam dunk is nothing but a snoozefest! At least we got a big Arnold adventure up next!
 
Red Sonja (1985)

To Cone a Phrase: 0/10
Arnold really needs better actors to bounce off of to pop, or to be in full Arnold mode, but this has neither. Every line is boring and flatly deliverered. I wish I had something funnier to say, but this movie doesn't inspire effort.

The Pump Factor: 2/10
Arnold suffers under the tyranny of beshirtedness, and very little focus is put on his swelling muscles. Like, they're there, but the camera refuses to pump them.

What is Best in Life?: 2/10
He slashes some guys at the begining and beheads a fool, but across the board the violence is toned down. He does fail about with a shitty looking fish puppet for 10 hours, but its more pathetic than exciting.

The Governing Factor: 0/10
Arnolds character, not Conan btw, Lord Kalidor, is some kinda shithead hereditary leader. His main politics is to kill a gay witch and domesticate a warrior woman. I hope Conan crushes his jeweled throne under his sandled foot.

That is One Evil Dude: 2/10
There's some kind of cool looking lesbian witch who wants THE TALISMAN for some vague reason. I don't even remember her name. Whatever.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 0/10
Muted grunts are all you're gonna get here, sorry. Imagine an ah as opposed to an ahhaaagugggahau. Like there are some noises, but they're so disappointing I'd rather they no be there at all.

Overall: 6/60

Verdict: I was hoping this would be a hidden gem like Conan the Destoyer, but alas. Good thing our next film is one of Arnold's very best.
 
i was going to ask to what degree yall coordinate your scores since they overlap so often but then I remembered this is an objective rating system—of course you'd usually come up with the same result
 
Clov said:
Arnold's goal here is to kill a lesbian and to convince Red Sonja that she should sleep with him. An average Republican, in other words, meaning this is an automatic zero. Better luck next time, loser!
Click to expand...
How to Yahaha! a post twice? :LOL:
 
Commando (1985)
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In many ways, Commando is THE 80s American action movie. Every single possible stereotype you can think of is here; the stone cold hero, the constant explosions, the sneering, vaguely homosexual villain. But that alone doesn't make it a good movie, right?

Wrong!

To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. Arnold has a one-liner after every major character he kills, and they're all extremely funny. From "he's dead tired" to "remember when I said I'd kill you last?" it's all iconic bangers. If you don't like them, maybe you ought to let off a bit of steam.

The Pump Factor: 10/10. The opening titles literally have close-ups of his arms. This movie wants everyone to know that Arnold doesn't actually need any of the myriad weapons he uses here to kill someone. A brief scene late in the film has him go boating in a speedo to make sure viewers know the truth; Arnold never skips leg day.

What is Best in Life?: 10/10. Soliders and cops have their vehicles blown up by rocket launchers, assault rifles mow down countless mercenaries. This movie revels in its violence, but the highlight for me was when Arnold killed a guy with a pitchfork, kills two more with saw blades, and cuts another's arm off with a machete only seconds later. Wowee!

The Governing Factor: 5/10. Early on in the film, Arnold makes a joke that Boy George should be called "Girl George" because it would be "less confusing". One (very reasonably) could interpret this as a homophobic insult. But one also could (much less reasonably) interpret this as Arnold merely hoping that Boy George cracks the egg and transitions. Wrong-headed, but could his heart be in the right place? I'm not sure. He DOES kill the one ambiguously gay (see: gay) character in the film. Let the voters search their hearts and sort this one out.

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. Arnold's nemesis in this film is Bennet, an out of shape Australian who likes knives more than he likes winning. He is Arnold's shadow, his every opposite (Australian rather than Austrian). He mugs and gloats for the camera, even telling his boss (?) how cool Arnold is, and how he'll wipe out all their troops, but that he'll still win, having kidnapped Arnold's daughter. And he's right! It gives him the perfect advantage; one he throws away willingly for a chance at a knife fight. That's another way he's Arnold's opposite. Where Arnold is driven to win, Bennet (seemingly intentionally) sets himself up for failure. What's really funny is the script seems to be written for Arnold's nemesis to be really young, while Bennet in the final film looks much, much older than Arnold.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10. The sounds are here, but the volume isn't! Some yells, but they're just too understated in the end.

Overall: 50

Verdict: Like I said, this is THE American 80s action film. If you want to see what every parody of Arnold was drawing from, check this film out! It's a really fun time.

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This review has been approved by COMBAT MEGATRON, the official toy of COMMANDO
 
Commando (1985)

To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
Remember when we said we'd watch this one last (no)? We lied! Anyways this is a great movie if you want to let off some steam.

The Pump Factor: 10/10
Arnold is in various stages of wearing a shirt, but every shirt seems created by a secret order of monks dedicated to making shirts to show off Arnolds assets. Hell, even when he's shirtless, the sun light and wind seem crafted by the hand of some numinous being to pop his pumping pecs. Also, he's down to the merely sculpted form marble look, which is an improvement over his previous beefy balloon look.

What is Best in Life?: 10/10
He kills more dudes here than in all of his previous movies combined. Hell, Arnold might kill more people than in all previous movies combined. Guns, rockets, knife, knife launcher, saw blades, pitchfork, heavy hands and pipes all contribute to the blood bath.

The Governing Factor: 5/10
He can certainly get the job done, and seems to be against staging coups in South American nations. Plus he seems to be at least bisexual. But his controversial stance on Boy George have me worried. See you at the polls!

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
If scientists would finally get off their asses and create the most evil man possible, it would assuredly be a middle aged pudgy Australian army man. The fact that he's gay must be a release valve. Him being straight would just be too evil.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10
A few good grunts and quite agughhs neat the end, but he's pretty ice cold and never goes full hog screams. Better luck next time...

Overall: 50/60

Verdict: This is basically the first Arnold(tm) movie. Terminator and Conan are certainly iconic rolls, but those movies merely used Arnold as a tool and would have probably existed without Arnold. This one is built around him. Iconic
 
Phosphorescent Skeleton said:
Verdict: This is basically the first Arnold(tm) movie. Terminator and Conan are certainly iconic rolls, but those movies merely used Arnold as a tool and would have probably existed without Arnold. This one is built around him. Iconic
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I think this is a fair assessment. But if this is the first Arnold movie, what's the most Arnold movie? I am looking forward to you answering this question in your reviews
 
0
Clov said:
Commando (1985)
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In many ways, Commando is THE 80s American action movie. Every single possible stereotype you can think of is here; the stone cold hero, the constant explosions, the sneering, vaguely homosexual villain. But that alone doesn't make it a good movie, right?

Wrong!

To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. Arnold has a one-liner after every major character he kills, and they're all extremely funny. From "he's dead tired" to "remember when I said I'd kill you last?" it's all iconic bangers. If you don't like them, maybe you ought to let off a bit of steam.

The Pump Factor: 10/10. The opening titles literally have close-ups of his arms. This movie wants everyone to know that Arnold doesn't actually need any of the myriad weapons he uses here to kill someone. A brief scene late in the film has him go boating in a speedo to make sure viewers know the truth; Arnold never skips leg day.

What is Best in Life?: 10/10. Soliders and cops have their vehicles blown up by rocket launchers, assault rifles mow down countless mercenaries. This movie revels in its violence, but the highlight for me was when Arnold killed a guy with a pitchfork, kills two more with saw blades, and cuts another's arm off with a machete only seconds later. Wowee!

The Governing Factor: 5/10. Early on in the film, Arnold makes a joke that Boy George should be called "Girl George" because it would be "less confusing". One (very reasonably) could interpret this as a homophobic insult. But one also could (much less reasonably) interpret this as Arnold merely hoping that Boy George cracks the egg and transitions. Wrong-headed, but could his heart be in the right place? I'm not sure. He DOES kill the one ambiguously gay (see: gay) character in the film. Let the voters search their hearts and sort this one out.

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. Arnold's nemesis in this film is Bennet, an out of shape Australian who likes knives more than he likes winning. He is Arnold's shadow, his every opposite (Australian rather than Austrian). He mugs and gloats for the camera, even telling his boss (?) how cool Arnold is, and how he'll wipe out all their troops, but that he'll still win, having kidnapped Arnold's daughter. And he's right! It gives him the perfect advantage; one he throws away willingly for a chance at a knife fight. That's another way he's Arnold's opposite. Where Arnold is driven to win, Bennet (seemingly intentionally) sets himself up for failure. What's really funny is the script seems to be written for Arnold's nemesis to be really young, while Bennet in the final film looks much, much older than Arnold.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 5/10. The sounds are here, but the volume isn't! Some yells, but they're just too understated in the end.

Overall: 50

Verdict: Like I said, this is THE American 80s action film. If you want to see what every parody of Arnold was drawing from, check this film out! It's a really fun time.

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This review has been approved by COMBAT MEGATRON, the official toy of COMMANDO
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I dimly remember watching this on VHS (back then my local rental shop gave no shits about renting violent action/horror films to kids). My brother and I would always pause it on the bit where where he decapitates someone against a fence with a throwing star. I think the head goes blue for a second or something, and we’d argue endlessly about the special effects as if two kids had any idea what it was supposed to look like :) I dimly remember us keeping a tally of how many people he killed in it and it gets close to a hundred. Has to be the archetype for so many action computer games, it’s so violent that it comes through the other side as just comical!
 
Raw Deal (1986)

To Cone a Phrase: 0/10
None of this dialog sounds written around Arnold's accent, so a lot of his jokes don't land at all. His character is mostly dour and boring though

The Pump Factor: 0/10
It's like they didn't even know they cast Arnold. He's wearing a pinstrip suit and suckin on stogies with slicked back hair most of the time. As a great woman once asked, where's the beef?

What is Best in Life?: 10/10
Tons of bursting squibs and rattling guns. There are some cool and crunchy action scenes in this tbh. Not enough to save it, and some are badly marred by direction/editing, but its violent.

The Governing Factor: 0/10
A cop? Who smokes stogies? Two strikes your out asshole! Better luck next time, buddy!

That is One Evil Dude: 3/10
The villian here is a store brand mob boss. Not especially memorable, but it has an elemental, collective unconscious kinda vibe. Its what the Simpsons were tapping into with Mendoza.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 1/10
He utters one pretty good augghhhh near the end, but its clear Arnold had not yet learned to fully utilized this most special instrument of his.

Overall: 14

Verdict: generic, not worth watching, something my grandparents woulda loved though.

Bonus: I wrote the official theme of the Summer of Schwarzenegger while watching this

The stogie man cometh
Ohhhhh
The stogie man taketh away
I said the stogie man cometh
Ahhhhh
But you know the stogie man taketh away
The stogie man giveth
Ohhhh
The stogie man never can stay
Ahhhh
I said the stogie man giveth
Ohhhh
But now you know the stogie man never can stay!
 
Raw Deal (1986)

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By 1986, Arnold was a well established action star. But not everything could be The Terminator or Commando; there's bound to be some Red Sonjas mixed in. But hey, the title sounds funny. How bad could this undercover cop thriller be? Wait, what's that? Scene in a drag club that doesn't feel well intentioned? Hmm.

To Cone a Phrase: 0/10. Not a single phrase to be coned here! There's some fun kills, but without the trademark catchphrase, it all feels hollow. Like mochi without any red bean filling!

The Pump Factor: 0/10. Arnold is fully clothed throughout most of the movie. He has a few shirtless scenes but the camera never highlights his physic. He just seems more like a big guy rather than a monster wearing human skin, and in an Arnold movie, that's no good.

What is Best in Life?: 10/10. Now here is where the movie delivers! Tons of guys getting shot and blown up from minute 1! Fake blood bursting from packets all over the place! To our delight, Arnold gets his fill of violence.

The Governing Factor: 0/10. Arnold plays an undercover cop in this film. On the plus side, he suggests to the mob to threaten to blow up police stations. On the minus side, he's still a cop, and NO cop is fit for the office of governor! Should have given those drag queens a bit more respect, pig!

That is One Evil Dude: 3/10. The evil guy in this is an old mob boss who has a bowl full of Mike and Ikes. In the 80s, all evil people had large bowls of candy on display to show their decadence, and they all just shoved their hands in them without washing to show their ignorance of hygiene. I may not remember his name, and he may not be even close to being Arnold's match, but he's a certain kind of archetypal villain in these films; the slimy old boss. That alone makes him a little funny. And when Arnold kills him? You BET he pours that bowl of Mike and Ikes on his corpse!

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 1/10. He has like, ONE "Aughhhhh!" and it's pretty half-hearted. Try harder, Arny!

Overall: 14

Verdict: Save yourself some time and just watch the McBain compilation from The Simpsons on YouTube. It's basically this but much better.
 
Predator (1987)

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Our last film was, quite literally, a raw deal for us to watch. Thankfully this time around we have one of the best sci-fi action films ever made to review! How does this Walt Disney classic compare to the other Arnold greats?

To Cone a Phrase: 10/10. The subtitle of this thread is literally a reference to this film. Not to mention, "Get to the choppa?" "You're one ugly motherfucker?" Filled with great one-liners from beginning to end, this film provides an excellent medium for Arnold's massive wit.

The Pump Factor: 10/10.

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What is Best in Life?: 10/10. The beginning gives us plenty of Arnold blastin' guys, but the rest of the film is where the real meat is. One by one, Arnold's teammates are brutally picked off by the interstellar menace; holes blasted through their body, arms blown off, spinal columns removed... the brutality of the Predator's kills only increases the tension between scenes.

The Governing Factor: 10/10. Sure, he's an army guy, but he's not REALLY an army guy. He's from a rescue team! And he doesn't like the rest of the military! But what really demonstrates how fit Arnold's character Dutch is for office is his sheer adaptability on the battlefield. He very quickly grows to understand what his adversary is capable of, and its weaknesses, and then moves to exploit those in one of the best action climaxes in any sci-fi film. Arnold turns the tables, becoming what the Predator was to him; an invisible threat who would be lurking in any corner of the jungle. The same skills he used to kill the Predator could easily be transferred to the field of politics. As for his own politics? Well, he's fine with his two obviously gay colleagues ("He was my... friend") so I say, let's give him a chance!

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10. The Predator is every bit Arnold's match and more. Bigger, meaner, better equipped, it's a true foe for Arnold to reckon with. So much is great about this baddie. The brutal ways it kills, the revelation that it has some sort of sense of honor and is hunting them for sport, the AMAZING face reveal at the end, and the way it attempts to mimic Arnold's English? Absolutely fantastic! The only thing I would change? Cut the part at the beginning when you see its space ship! Can you imagine going into this, thinking it's just some action horror film, and then an alien shows up? What's already brilliant would become mindblowing!

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10. This movie really builds to them! The further you get in, the more screams you get from Arnold, and in much better quality. It all builds up to the amazing moment after he's built his traps and covered himself in mud, raising a torch to the air and yelling out into the night, as a sign of challenge to his deadly foe. And they all sound funny!

Overall: 60

Verdict: Get to your TV and watch this now!
 
Predator (1987)

To Cone a Phrase: 10/10
Yeag, this one is all coned up. You son of a bitch? Sure. If it bleeds we can kill it? You know it. You're one ugly mother fucker? Hell yeag. Get to the chopper? Let's fucking go! I'm here to chew bubble gum and cone phrases, and this is a line from a movie without The Stogie Man! Agghgg!

The Pump Factor: 10/10
This has what must be the most memed muscle pumpin' arms in cinema history. Arnold's pumpin'! Jesse's pumpin'! Carl's pumpin'! Bill's pumpin'! These guys are shredded like god damn ninja turtles and they can't stop pumpin'! Arnold's massive arms are prominent in the begining before he gets army suited up, but don't you believe a shirt can survive this adventure!

What is Best in Life?: 10/10
In addition to action movie squibs and explosions, there is some real horror movie gore in this one. There are skinned bodies, guts, exploding heads. This is for sure the most viscerally violent movie Arnold had been in up to this point and its incredibly well done. The 4K is a revelation after years of only being available in HD on an infamously bad looking bluray.

The Governing Factor: 10/10
Dutch, Arnold's character, is pissed that the US government is trying to use him to intervene in South American politics. He only wants to rescue people or something. Plus he's adaptable, and two of his best friends are gay.

That is One Evil Dude: 10/10
The way I figure it is the Predator is the space equivalent of a rich dentist who goes to Africa to hunt rhinos. Despite future lore from sequels and comics, I think people on his planet think he's an asshole and celebrated his death on space twitter. Also, its interesting how people are always going off about how the Predator is honorable because he doesn't attack unarmed foes. That's bullshit. The difference in technology is wildly unfair, and he has it set up so that if he loses his opponent will get exploded. The Predator is just an asshole on holiday. He's also a comment on American foreign policey probably.

I Have a Gigantic Mouth and I Must Scream: 10/10
Arnold at last is at full scream mouth noises power. The last 20 minutes are silent only of words, there's plenty of gutteral screams and grunts. Arnold too is not a bit tamed, he too is untranslatable, he sounds his barbaric yawp over the trees of the jungle.

Overall: 60/60

Verdict: Arnold has a reputation as being McBain from the Simpson, staring in bad cop and army guy movies, but so far its mostly been SF/Fantasy films, and mostly all bangers.
 
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