I'm autistic. This is really fucking hard to say. It's always been hard, and I hate that it's hard. But it's true that it's hard. I've been ashamed of being autistic my whole adult life, and it's only very, very recently that I'm loosening up on that, and it has taken until last week to realize that I am actually way more affected by my autism than I've allowed myself to be. Come to the crushing realization that I've been masking so much, all this time.
Because last week, I had a pretty massive meltdown over a social situation. And I kept saying to myself, why? Why am I so sensitive to this, why is my brain reacting this way? And then I had a conversation with my mother and I felt like oh my god, I'm thirty-three years old, I can't just sit here being comforted by mom like I'm a toddler.
Then just these last few days, I've been playing TotK so intensely that I've forgotten to sleep, eat and clean. As if I'm possessed, obsessed. Same thing there. Why is my brain this way? It's the best game ever, but it's more to it than that. Like, I know for an obvious fact that TotK has been my special interest ever since it came out, but I can't help but feel like I get a "loser perspective" on myself, as if I should berate and scold myself for being hyperfixated on something.
I've always felt ashamed about being "weird and odd" growing up, but things really kicked off with being diagnosed with "asperger's syndrome" a decade ago, and I hated that, because "aspergers" is such a phonetically ugly word. Who names a diagnosis like that? It's just cruel. It was in the middle of my teacher studies and I remember feeling like such a failure when I had to drop out of the profession due to it being too much of a pressure on me.
Like, holy shit. Even when I introduced myself in the Fami staff channel, I wrote an introduction post that listed a bunch of small, funny facts about me, that started something like "vegan, bipolar, trans, washed-up Twitch streamer, brunette..." etc, and I sort of squeezed in "autistic" in the middle so people wouldn't notice. (I know that I didn't have to say anything but like, it was fun to rabble stuff like that)
The bipolar stuff is something too. I'd much "rather" tell people I'm bipolar, because it's just too much to tell people I have both bipolar disorder and autism spectrum. And for some reason, I have a way easier time talking about bipolar stuff when it comes to my mental health. Which is weird, because it's actually affecting me less than my autism, since I'm on heavy medication for it.
I feel like I contribute to some kind of awful stigma by thinking like this and acting like this. Autism and autism awareness is a struggle for many, and here I am feeling weird about it in a way that so many people want many people to not feel like. It's a struggle, and I'm not helping anyone by shuffling shit under the rug.
Dunno what to do from here. How do I "accept" being autistic better? I feel like I have to come to terms with the fact that this is messing with my life and is becoming a hindrance in much more severe ways that I've previously thought (social stuff is difficult, energy levels is even more so, etc.) and I have to stop masking all the time. It's destructive and leaves nothing but trouble, but all I want to do is drink champagne on the rooftop with slick career women while not being an alien.
I know what people often say, "you should talk to someone", "seek professional help" etc, and it's true that I do have that. Quite fragile help (My standard terapist isn't a specialist, and the psychiatrist I have on the autism center is someone I meet once every two months, if not more seldomly) but other than falling apart, I'm writing this because I also place value in getting outside perspective from equals.