I don't know how to explain what's going on in my head. It's like having a messy room, you can't find your socks, your bed is unmade, everything all over the floor in piles. You're trying to clean it but there just seems to be never-ending mess.
People give me all these advices, they try helping me, but I don't take it. I want too, I try too, but I don't. And I hate myself even more for letting me get to this position. I don't believe in rock bottoms, I believe you keep going down until you can't handle it anymore. I try to talk to people about what's going on, but how can I if I don't know myself? How can I keep my head above water when trying to keep others above water? If I tell people, it's never serious enough. They have worse problems, mine is nothing, my feelings are invalid. I hate hearing "distract yourself". You can distract yourself but does it fix anything? No. I tell myself I need to get help, I just don't do it. I'm comfortable in my hole, hiding away, locking my feelings up. I don't want my cracks to show, it'll be seen as weak.
How many people tell you they're there for you? Are they really or do they want to feel good about themselves by saying they are? They can tell you they care for you, you deserve happiness, or they're always gonna support you, but it feels empty. I don't know why.
I've learnt that there's only one person on your side, and that's you. No ones gonna lift you up when you fall, no ones gonna come to your house and hug you better, no ones going to help you, so you gotta help yourself. I know this, as painful as it is, it's true. I tell myself all of this, I know I need to help myself, I just don't want too get out of this bed. It's all I've known. Wake up, plaster a smile, do what you gotta do, go back to bed, repeat.
I do have good days that last for long periods of time. I can feel happiness, excitement. When I have a good day, it's really good. And that's the bit that tricks me every single time. I think "maybe I am better, maybe it'll be okay". Then the rock hits you, back to square one. Wake up, plaster smile, back to bed, repeat. It's a vicious cycle. I know I need to get out of it, as I've said before, I can't, maybe I'm too comfortable with where I am. In a few days, I'll be okay. In a few months, I'll be back here repeating what I've said. Maybe this is all I need, to tell someone, even if it's a forum site and people will read, relate, and move on. I know I can tell my partner and my friends this, but how do I bring it up? What can you say that would make me feel less bad? Do I have to keep explaining my feelings over and over because you don't understand? Do you want to listen? This is the bit where anxiety takes over, it isolates you. It really does. Then self destruction happens after a long period of time because you didn't open up, you let things push you over the edge.
I can anxiety everyday. Can get up to 5 times a day. I don't want to go on medication for it, I don't do medication. It messes with mind and body, maybe it'll make me feel worse. I don't know. A simple 10 minute drive to work can give me a small anxiety attack. Even doing nothing, it just happens.
Sometimes my mind goes into overdrive, I walk backwards and fourth not knowing what I was doing, or what I'm meant to be doing.
Anyway, this is getting too long so I'll wrap it up.
Yeah, that's it. See you guys in this thread again in a few months. Take care!
