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Discussion If you have children but you think you need to divorce from your partner, should you?

EddyZacianLand

EddyZacianLand

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I was watching an Adam's ruins everything clip on why divorce is actually a good thing, there was this comment chain debating if divorcing when you have kids is a good thing and I wanted to know y'all thoughts on this.
 
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I don't have kids but I think there are few things worse for them than living in a household with an unhappy marriage.

Divorce sucks and isn't fun for anyone but the alternative is worse.
 
Fully depends on the situation. There are many factors coming together: How the parents talk/ conflict together, the mental stability of the kids, the social network/ family/ friends around, the financial situation, etc...

As a social worker and educater, i saw both. Kids that prosper after divorce and on the other side kids that really suffer from it.

To have small kids is one of the most stressful stages of life (scientifically proofed). It can have good/ bad consequences to find solutions to go through this time together as it can have good/ bad consequences to divorce. If there is some form of violence or abuse in the family structure, than yes, divorce is most likely the better choice.
 
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It depends but generally, a well-handled divorce is mostly always the better option.

You obviously want the best for your child, but that doesn't mean you have to compromise your happiness and force yourself to live with someone you don't like.
 
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My parents divorced when I was young, and while it was traumatic at the time, it really ended up being for the best.

Also: Two Xmases.
 
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Being there , done that (Although it was not "a divorce" because i never married, neverthelees i have 2 kids with this person) and to be honest it was the best decision of my life, she desagrees but i do not care anymore (I used to, but that was part of the abuse i was receiving)

I thought it was going to be harder for my kids, but they are super fine and happy and they love their new baby brother very much I even feel closer to them than when i was in a relationship with their mother.
 
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Better yeah my parents argued alot before divorce and that experience is worse if it's like that. A divorce sucks at first but after that it's fine also 2xmasses and bdays. (Was like 12 back then)
 
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Kind of on topic but...
With all the fighting and such my parents did when I was young I am surprised they never divorced at all. My dad and mom have changed a lot since then thankfully.
 
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My parents divorced when I was 3, so I do not remember them being together, so it did not affect me in regards to fighting or whatever, and never witnessed it. What I do know is that their divorced was pretty amicable as they talked often and remained friends and when dad would come to visit, he would stay in our guest room and to this day they still talk and he visits her, etc.

Now where it did affect me is that I missed being around my dad and my siblings all the time. I would spend entire summers with them and it was great, but having to go back, etc. It sucked. But, since there was no toxic vibes, it was the best as it could be.

It's tough even without a marriage. I have a daughter, but was never married to the mother. We were in an on and off toxic relationship, and when she told me she was pregnant, I flat out told her that I will be there and raise the child with her, but "You need to know, I will never marry you because this relationship is toxic and this is a wake up call and the child will suffer".

It sucks, and I can definitely tell it affects my daughter, but staying with the mother would have been a shit show for my happiness and sanity. We had shared custody as is the law in Florida, so that was good, but when the mother moved to Maine, that obviously went away and I did not fight it because by that point my daughter was 9 and too old to put her in a messy legal battle, and I know for sure the mother would have made it ugly because she is a lunatic. So me and my wife moved to Delaware to be close at only 6 hour car ride away, and 2 hour flight.

(Honestly, I think my daughter would be better off my wife and I and wished she would live with us full time, cause her mother is a psycho, and plus, my daughter has known my wife since before she was even 1)
 
My mom divorced 4 times.

Yes, the best thing you can do is divorce because living in a house where people don't like each other is hell to EVERYONE involved.

edit: Also it would have been a much better ending to
It Takes Two
 
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That question feels way too complex to be a simple yes or no answer, but I feel like in probably 95% of the possible situations that would call for a divorce, it is probably better than to stay together.
 
I have a toddler, almost 2 and right now I have a very good relationship with my wife.

It's not that my opinion on this necessarily changed but now I see it's not as simple as I thought before having a child. It's really difficult to take a decision like this knowing that you will probably see your child once every 15 days. You will just loose too much.
Now I can empathize more with people that keeps on a bad relationship to stay near their kids. Even though I still probably wouldn't.


Note that I'm talking about relationships where the parents get along well but aren't interested on each other anymore. If involves constant fights, abuse, violence and stuff like that divorce is the best they can do for their child.
 
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EddyZacianLand said:
What I am gathering from this is that generally you shouldn't sacrifice your mental health for your children.
Click to expand...
parallel to this, you have to think about how their earliest example of a loving relationship being two people who want nothing to do with each other will impact how they treat themselves and others down the road
 
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EddyZacianLand said:
What I am gathering from this is that generally you shouldn't sacrifice your mental health for your children.
Click to expand...
I wouldn't phrase it like that exactly. I'm not a parent but to put it simply I feel like an unhappy home is gonna lead to an unhappy childhood.
A parent should always put their kids first but trying to make an unhappy marriage work isn't necessarily doing that.
 
Hey so Jordan Peterson is known for being an alt right queerphobe, please don't use him as a reference - BozPaggs, Donnie, blondkayvon
Jeez, married with 4 children here, and I have seen kids from divorced families and it can go either way. It all depends how well a kid can take it, the situation at home plays a big factor too and if the parent is active in the lives of the children. Cause maybe he is a bad spouse/partner but a great parent, so its worth to take that into consideration.

I have seen kids really get fucked up over a parents divorce and I have seen other kids act like nothing happen...

Then when you get together with another person, the awkwardness starts... Should the children call him/her dad/mom or by his/her first name...

Then the interactions with the new partner. It just drives me crazy to think about the social maze the kids have to through to make this interacions "normal" .

It is just a really tough situation. I will get professional advice before doing a divorce, and really be open to what these people say because at the end of the day what ever action we take, is going to affect them for the rest of their lives.

Children are an extension of us and if we really love them unconditionally (as it should, because why the hell bring them over to this side right?) we will look at all avenues before taking a decision because the heat of the moment or a negative feeling.

I think I heard the other day this guy Jordan Peterson saying that statistically speaking, kids of non divorced perform better in life than those who have...
 
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EddyZacianLand said:
What I am gathering from this is that generally you shouldn't sacrifice your mental health for your children.
Click to expand...

To be honest. I can't sign that. What no one tells you beforehand: mental health suffering are part of raising kids. In the first years your brain will be a mess from the sleepless nights alone. The normal crying and shouting or times of illness not even mentioned.

Someone has to take this responsibility. If one partner decides not to help, than the other one will have this enormous stress all alone. Because of this i even can't imagine to raise my kids alone .Even with partner, raising kids is one of the most stressful phases of life. (And science even proofed that).

I love my kids, but this restless toddler phase drives me crazy.
 
Rainbow said:
To be honest. I can't sign that. What no one tells you beforehand: mental health suffering are part of raising kids. In the first years your brain will be a mess from the sleepless nights alone. The normal crying and shouting or times of illness not even mentioned.

Someone has to take this responsibility. If one partner decides not to help, than the other one will have this enormous stress all alone. Because of this i even can't imagine to raise my kids alone .Even with partner, raising kids is one of the most stressful phases of life. (And science even proofed that).

I love my kids, but this restless toddler phase drives me crazy.
Click to expand...
I meant moreso getting really depressed, like a serious toll, an unhealthy amount.
 
EddyZacianLand said:
I meant moreso getting really depressed, like a serious toll, an unhealthy amount.
Click to expand...

Yeah, everyone has a other pain threshold there. It's just, many people have a very wrong imagination, when it comes down to raising kids ( and our capitalist advertisment that try to sell you the happy family tale really don't help).

Stress, exhaustion and the loss of temporary freedom are the norm. And partners can't always be happy and relaxed at this time, so more conflicts are the logical result.

But of course you should not loose yourself completely. This won't help your kids either. The question here is, where is the your personel borderline?
 
Rainbow said:
Yeah, everyone has a other pain threshold there. It's just, many people have a very wrong imagination, when it comes down to raising kids ( and our capitalist advertisment that try to sell you the happy family tale really don't help).

Stress, exhaustion and the loss of temporary freedom are the norm. And partners can't always be happy and relaxed at this time, so more conflicts are the logical result.

But of course you should not loose yourself completely. This won't help your kids either. The question here is, where is the your personel borderline?
Click to expand...
My borderline is really high up bc I am never having kids, it sounds way too stressful for me. I don't even want a pet.
 
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As someone who was a child of parents who hated each other, but did not want to get divorced because of alimony...

Yes. Yes, please divorce. You may think you're putting your child through hell, but it will be worse if you stay together.

(Of course, my situation is very specific. It probably won't apply to parents who just grew apart and want an amicable divorce.)
 
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Someone close to me is in the throws of this situation now. Everyone comes down on her for not wanting to stay with him and says splitting would be detrimental to those kids. I fully and wholeheartedly disagree with them, but my family is very old-school in that belief. She's been miserable for a long time and staying with him won't help her be a better parent or partner. Kids are witnessing a lot of fighting and neither of them are at their best parenting because they're too affected by each other.

On a more extreme example, I know someone who grew up thinking her parents were happy but secretly hated each other, the second she turned 18 they got a divorce and rarely if ever, spoke again. The girl was shattered by it and has had a lot of commitment issues since then.

Staying together for the kids is an outdated mentality that really isn't even for the sake of the children; only for the Christmas card.
 
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My parents divorced when I was 2, given what I know about the later years of their marriage it was definitely for the best. It’s definitely difficult for the kids but better than having parents who fight all the time and hate each other.
 
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My wife and I divorced when my son was about 9 years old. It was devastating for us on many levels, not least because my wife and son moved out which hit me really hard. Imagine not being able to see your kid whenever you like on the spur of the moment. It also cost me a load of money. However, us staying together would have been worse for my son long term - he would have learned a lot of negative things about how a relationship is supposed to work. He has 2 parents who love him and who he loves and who are amicable when required to be. We decided early on that none of this was my son's fault so we would behave like parents in his presence and leave any personal shit at the door. 6 years later, he moved back in with me since I have a little more space and he feels comfortable here. So my advice would be, play for the long game even though that might be really difficult early on. Your kid will not be a kid forever, if you are an asshole, he will at some point be old enough to realise who the bad guy was and you'll get your receipts. Be an adult!
 
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