Film Transformers: A Complete Cinematic Appraisal |ST| Beyond Good, Beyond Evil, Beyond Your Wildest Imagination

[Clov]

I truly want to know what Bay was cooking with the insanity that is the ever changing aspect ratio

For real, this got so annoying so quickly. It's really distracting in the action scenes, where some cuts are just in a different aspect ratio than the others. I'm sure he's doing it on purpose, but it's not good!

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

I truly want to know what Bay was cooking with the insanity that is the ever changing aspect ratio

This was so distracting holy shit

 

[Dizzle]

I heard Farewell Transmission for the first time last week. Fucking beautiful.

Love the conceit of covering Transformers vs GI Joe the Movie the Comic.

Haven't seen Last Knight. I stopped at 3. No regrets.

Interested in your takes on Bumblebee.

 

[Clov]

I heard Farewell Transmission for the first time last week. Fucking beautiful.

Love the conceit of covering Transformers vs GI Joe the Movie the Comic.

Haven't seen Last Knight. I stopped at 3. No regrets.

Interested in your takes on Bumblebee.

I don't blame you for stopping at 3. In some ways, the next two are better, but I can't recommend them in good conscience.

Next week, Phos and I will wrap up this thread for now with Bumblebee! Of course we'll bring this thread back whenever we manage to watch Rise of the Beasts, and the upcoming animated film releasing next year. I guess this means we're both obligated to watch any new Transformers movie that comes out... maybe I should have thought this through more.

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The Bumblebee

The Arcee Factor:
Arcee is here, she's cool, and the main villian is a gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss girlbot. The main human is a girl too. Let's hear it for the girls folks!
10/10

Wow Cool Robot:
Hmmmm, a damn bit better than bays baleful bm bot buttholes. Wish their faces weren't that way but Soundwave, Shockwave, and Ravagewave wave hello to being good designs and Bumblebee is a beetle and you better believe it butterball. Nothing to see here folks, move along.
7/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
I like and care about these characters. Thats the Nazo to making a good script the "easy" way. Real Critter vibes from this one folks. No fucking way this ties into the last 5 movies.
8/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Everyone is the right colors. The toys they made for this, especially the Studio Series Soundwave, actually look cool. Sorry folks, I'm a sniveling Soundwave simp simply insufficient in shame.
9/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
Bumblebee said fuck Morrissey. Folks, if that doesn't take courage, I know what does and its not including a fucking "remember the 80s" needle drop every 3 minutes. I don't remember the 80s. Time to die oldman. I like some of these songs at least. Wish Morrissey wasn't a fascist. That's awfully Decepticon* of him.
*Deceptive Con Artist -Smilin' Stan
5/10

Ride or be Ridden:
A cool ride, folks! Only and hour 50. Cool and easy!
10/10

Overall: 49

Verdict: The Iron Giant but it doesn't suck

Suggestion: don't watch every Transformers movie

 

[Clov]

Well, it's finally time! To finish this thread for now. The last Transformers movie as of this writing, is...

Bumblebee (2018)

The Arcee Factor: 10/10. As you can see above, Arcee is in this! And she looks very cool! Sadly she's only there briefly in the beginning, but thankfully the film more than makes up for it with its main antagonist, Shatter. Shatter is a girlboss on a mission to kill the Autobots and bring the Decepticons to Earth, and who am I to question her? She's an original character made for this film... sort of! You see, in early planning from the film, Shatter was named Fracture, and Fracture was a character from the comics based on the Bay films... who was in fact, Crasher, the GoBot, with her name changed for trademark reasons! Those tgirl vibes Shatter was giving off? Not a coincidence! We've come full circle!

Wow Cool Robot: 7/10. Most of the robots look very, very good! Unlike the Bay films, where the robots look like hideous metal husks, the robots in Bumblebee strike a good balance between cool toys and real war machines. Many characters get designs that resemble their old toy-like selves, but updated in a way that still makes them look good. Soundwave and Ravage are standouts here, but I also gotta give a shout-out to Shockwave's brief appearance!

The Mystery of Convoy: 8/10. Bumblebee is a simple story about a girl and her cool robot friend. It's like if the Iron Giant had way more cool toys. The Autobots are losing the war on Cybertron, Bumblebee hides out on Earth, becomes friends with a girl, and then two Decepticons, Shatter and Dropkick, team up with John Cena's US military to hunt him down. The story is straightforward, but very enjoyable. The pacing is excellent; at an hour 50, it's the shortest of the live action films. An absolute breath of fresh air compared to the over-stuffed Bay films, and for once it doesn't worship the US military! What's even better, is that this movie doesn't seem to even be in the same continuity as the Bay films, since The Last Knight establishes that Bumblebee was on Earth during WWII, while this places his first arrival in the 1980s. The movie actually makes you care about the stakes for once! All in all, good fun!

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 9/10. As mentioned before, while the characters look updated, they still look great! Optimus, in his few appearances, acts like a hero instead of a murderous psychopath. It manages to do its own take on the franchise while still clearly caring and respecting the original incarnation. The action scenes here are very legible and exciting, whereas in the 5 Bay films they're blurry and difficult to parse. I only wish that Shatter's face was a little less like the robots in the Bay films, but that's just nit-picking.

Are Their Songs Better?: 6/10. Do YOU like NEEDLEDROPS? Do YOU want to REMEMBER the 80s??? Well I got the movie for you! The songs here are mostly fun, but the needledrops do get a bit tiresome after the 7th one or so.

Ride or be Ridden: 10/10. Hitched a ride on Ravage to fight in the war on Cybertron.

Overall Score: 50

Verdict: The best live action Transformers film by far! Great designs, fun setpieces, Yeag Girls, what more could anyone want?

Suggestion: Hope that Rise of the Beasties (as it's called in Canada) doesn't jinx it!

Well, that's it everyone! We've watched every Transformers film. Now it's time for us to look back and rank them-

Wait. What's this? There's something else we have to watch? What could it be!?

Who's this nice young woman? Jem? And her Holograms? That's right! We still have to watch Jem and the Holograms, Season 2 Episode 23! Truly outrageous!

 

[PixelKnight]

The Bumblebee

The Arcee Factor:
Arcee is here, she's cool, and the main villian is a gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss girlbot. The main human is a girl too. Let's hear it for the girls folks!
10/10

Wow Cool Robot:
Hmmmm, a damn bit better than bays baleful bm bot buttholes. Wish their faces weren't that way but Soundwave, Shockwave, and Ravagewave wave hello to being good designs and Bumblebee is a beetle and you better believe it butterball. Nothing to see here folks, move along.
7/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
I like and care about these characters. Thats the Nazo to making a good script the "easy" way. Real Critter vibes from this one folks. No fucking way this ties into the last 5 movies.
8/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Everyone is the right colors. The toys they made for this, especially the Studio Series Soundwave, actually look cool. Sorry folks, I'm a sniveling Soundwave simp simply insufficient in shame.
9/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
Bumblebee said fuck Morrissey. Folks, if that doesn't take courage, I know what does and its not including a fucking "remember the 80s" needle drop every 3 minutes. I don't remember the 80s. Time to die oldman. I like some of these songs at least. Wish Morrissey wasn't a fascist. That's awfully Decepticon* of him.
*Deceptive Con Artist -Smilin' Stan
5/10

Ride or be Ridden:
A cool ride, folks! Only and hour 50. Cool and easy!
10/10

Overall: 49

Verdict: The Iron Giant but it doesn't suck

Suggestion: don't watch every Transformers movie

Hey what’s up with The Iron Giant? As ‘kid finds giant alien war robot in America’ stories go I quite liked that cartoon!

Sounds like I need to watch Bumblebee, this thread has got me in the mood for some TF

 

[robertman2]

The Bumblebee

The Arcee Factor:
Arcee is here, she's cool, and the main villian is a gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss girlbot. The main human is a girl too. Let's hear it for the girls folks!
10/10

Wow Cool Robot:
Hmmmm, a damn bit better than bays baleful bm bot buttholes. Wish their faces weren't that way but Soundwave, Shockwave, and Ravagewave wave hello to being good designs and Bumblebee is a beetle and you better believe it butterball. Nothing to see here folks, move along.
7/10

The Mystery of Convoy:
I like and care about these characters. Thats the Nazo to making a good script the "easy" way. Real Critter vibes from this one folks. No fucking way this ties into the last 5 movies.
8/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Everyone is the right colors. The toys they made for this, especially the Studio Series Soundwave, actually look cool. Sorry folks, I'm a sniveling Soundwave simp simply insufficient in shame.
9/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
Bumblebee said fuck Morrissey. Folks, if that doesn't take courage, I know what does and its not including a fucking "remember the 80s" needle drop every 3 minutes. I don't remember the 80s. Time to die oldman. I like some of these songs at least. Wish Morrissey wasn't a fascist. That's awfully Decepticon* of him.
*Deceptive Con Artist -Smilin' Stan
5/10

Ride or be Ridden:
A cool ride, folks! Only and hour 50. Cool and easy!
10/10

Overall: 49

Verdict: The Iron Giant but it doesn't suck

Suggestion: don't watch every Transformers movie

Iron Giant slander

MODS MODS HELP MODS!

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

Hey what’s up with The Iron Giant? As ‘kid finds giant alien war robot in America’ stories go I quite liked that cartoon!

Sounds like I need to watch Bumblebee, this thread has got me in the mood for some TF

Yeag, it a good movie, but 'tis no bumblebee noble sir knight

 

[Mekanos]

I liked Bumblebee quite a bit but I absolutely do not remember Arcee being in it. But I only saw it once when it came out.

I also only ever saw the first two Bayformers and that seems wise.

 

[PixelKnight]

Yeag, it a good movie, but 'tis no bumblebee noble sir knight

Ah no worries!

There’s something quite fun about the very early TF comics too, when it’s just Buster and his dad trying to keep the TF a secret. The whole ‘robots in disguise’ element I guess, that just becomes abandoned when too many human characters and the bloody US military start hanging out with them.

I didn’t see Jem as a kid, I only saw the title sequence years later, along with Silverhawks. My inner 80s kid found it so wild how easy it was to not know stuff you’d have liked existed before the internet.

 

[Phosphorescent Skeleton]

The Jem and Her Holograms: The Journey Through Time

I can't believe Johnny Beldrix is in this

The Arcee Factor:
A hologram is a robot. A computer is a robot. They're all do the being girls. You do the math!!!
10/10


Wow Cool Robot:
Is a truck a robot? No. Is a Jem a Robot? Am I? The Robot Ate Me was a good band that no one has ever heard of.
3/10


The Mystery of Convoy:
Is that Truck Oprimis Prune???? A mystery..................of Convoy!?!?!?!

You Got the Touch!
10/10

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red:
Optimus is orange! Ehat the fuck!?
0/10

Are Their Songs Better?:
These songs totally suck shit.
10/10

Ride or be Ridden:
I'm riding orangr optimus to the bank...the blood bank!!!
10/10

Overall: 43

Verdict: Ben Tiller, Johnny Bendrix, Elvis! Lets burn rubber baby!!!!!!

Suggestion: make more characters orange!!!

 

[Clov]

Jem and the Holograms (Season 2 Episode 23) Journey Through Time (1988)

So it's come to this! Jem and her Holograms.

Hey! This isn't Transformers at all!
Shut up! Optimus Prime is in this!

Look, it's Optimus! So what if he's orange!!

You can't do this!!!
Shut up!!!

The Arcee Factor: 10/10. So, Jem and her gal pals use robot powers to make costumes! That's cool! But also there's a computer girl named Synergy who's like, their manager and makes holograms or something. Very cool!

Wow Cool Robot: 5/10. So, uh... Optimus is here. Synergy is... a computer. Uh, this kind of counts. Hm.

The Mystery of Convoy: 8/10. Jem gets sent back through time by the Misfits (whose songs are better!). Jem in Vienna! Jem in WWII! Jem at Woodstock! Jem domination!!!! It ends with the Misfits almost killing a man by sending him to the dinosaurs

Rumble is Blue, Frenzy is Red: 0/10. Optimus is orange for some reason

Are Their Songs Better?: 10/10. The Misfits songs are better even though they don't play, also Jimmy Hendrix (named Johnny Beldrix????) shows up???? Wow

Ride or be Ridden: 10/10. Surfin through time on Orange Optimus baby!!!!!

Overall Score: 43

Verdict: Fashion and fame! Jem is Truly Outrageous!

Suggestion: Read the IDW Jem and the Holograms comics, they're gay and trans!

And that's a wrap! I hope you've all enjoyed our look through time, through space, beyond good, beyond evil, beyond your wildest imagination! An objective look through ALL Transformers cinema! We're going to go watch Killer Klowns from Outer Space now, so we're going to have to look back at our prior rankings later. And then, we'll play the waiting game... for Rise of the Beasties is almost at hand...!

 

[robertman2]

As a zoomer I have no idea what Jem and the Holograms is lol

 

[PixelKnight]

As a zoomer I have no idea what Jem and the Holograms is lol

As in all cartoons of the era, all you need to do is watch the title sequence as it sums up the story loop inside of a minute to a cool song

 

[Clov]

As in all cartoons of the era, all you need to do is watch the title sequence as it sums up the story loop inside of a minute to a cool song

Yep!



Truly outrageous! Phos and I are Jem girls now

 

[PixelKnight]

Yep!



Truly outrageous! Phos and I are Jem girls now

Holograms were a big idea at the time. You had Jem in 1985, the TF comics/cartoon riffed on it with various stuff (notably Mirage but also the transparent depiction of energon cubes) Then there was Visionaries and Star Trek TNG in 1987, with the Visionaries and TF toys playing with various stickers with cool effects.

It was like living in a future that wasn’t a grey run-down town for me

Edit- Battle Beasts (which used similar heat-reactive stickers to TF) and Supernaturals (similar to Visionaries) too. https://lrmonline.com/news/the-80s-...urals-and-visionaries-i-lrms-retro-specs/amp/